The Night Is Young
by fall into your sunlight
Summary: Kendall and James finally have it all figured out... and it started with a road trip.
1. Prologue

**Title: The Night Is Young by Courtney (fall into your sunlight)**

**Summary: Kendall and James finally have it all figured out... and it started with a road trip.**

**Inspired loosely by _We Could Take To The Highway by The Brat Prince _(i reccomend you all reading this, it's amazing) and _The Hangover _(one of my favorite movies lol). **

**Warning: slash, language, drug usage, mentions of abuse/rape, mentions of self-mutilation, and smut. **

**A/N: new story! :D so the rating for this might bounce around, but as of right now it's staying at T and if some chapters are too…mature I'll give them a warning. And I don't want to say too much without giving a whole lot away so just read :D **

* * *

_**Prologue**_

The sun rose along the horizon, streaking sunlight through the dusty second floor bedroom window. Kendall Knight squinted as he felt the intensity burn his closed eyelids and shifted in his bed. As he did so, he felt himself brush against something- or someone- and he slowly cracked his eyes open. As soon as they opened, they widened in shock and he almost screamed.

Laying in his bed, spooned against him, naked, was his best friend James Diamond.

At that moment one thought ran through Kendall's mind: '_What the fuck happened last night?'_

Was he tripping out again, tweaking? Did he drink to much? His head strangely wasn't pounding with pain so he ruled those options out. But then what happened? Slowly, Kendall lifted up the heavy blanket covering his body and then winced. He was naked as well, and there were various… hickeys, he assumed, all over him. Reaching for the first pair of boxers he saw, Kendall slipped them on and cautiously climbed out of the bed. The blonde boy didn't know what to do now. He was confused, scared, and could barely remember the night before. He looked around the room in hopes of remembering something, anything, from last night. Scattered around the floor were empty brown bottles with long necks- _'So we were drinking'_- a half empty pack of cigarettes were next to them as well as…. a small tube of lube and an empty condom wrapper. Kendall suddenly couldn't breathe as the smell of sweat and sex finally became relevant to his senses.

Kendall's phone vibrated and he quickly reached down to pick it up upon seeing the words **12 VMAILS **on his front screen. Confused, Kendall called his voicemail and listened to his messages.

__

"Hey Kendall, it's Logan… again. Yeah, it's only **the tenth time I've called you **but you clearly don't know how to answer your damn phone. So yeah, just to let me know that you and James aren't dead, how about you call me? Bye."

Kendall stared at his phone confused and James mumbled something incoherently from his spot on the bed, causing the blonde nearly jumped out of his skin. The brunette boy shivered slightly and pulled the blanket up to his chin. "…back…cold." he muttered out.

"Wh-what?" Kendall stuttered, swallowing thickly.

"Come back, I'm cold." James said more clearly, his eyes still shut. He shifted in bed and then winced. "And sore." he mumbled.

"Where are you sore?" Kendall asked.

"My ass."

Kendall groaned softly, then took a deep breath. "James… do you remember anything from last night?"

"What do you mean?" James opened his eyes and looked around the room. He saw the beer bottles, the cigs, Kendall in his boxers looking petrified, a condom wrapper, lube… his eyes widened almost as wide as Kendall's had. "Oh my-"

"I know." Kendall interrupted.

"What did we-"

"I don't know exactly… but I have an idea." Kendall was speaking softer now. Cautiously he took a seat on the bed next to James, who flinched away slightly from him. "James…we fucked-"

"No kidding." James muttered.

"Up." Kendall rolled his eyes. "Fucked up."

"Right." James said softly, nodding. He took a deep breath and looked around the room once more. "Maybe we shouldn't have left California."

* * *

**A/N: ok, short, I know, but this was mainly to set the mood for the story and to give you some insight as to what's going on. Thoughts? (:**


	2. Chapter One

****

A/N: 3 things….1) anything in italics is a flashback (there's going to be a lot of them in this story just so you know so if anything gets confusing, please tell me). 2) I just wanna say thanks to everyone who reviewed the prologue (: it means a lot to me! 3) I'll be going on Christmas break starting Thursday so I'll try to update as much as I can from now until my break is over (: ok that's all. Enjoy!

. . .

****

Chapter One

- Two Days Earlier -

__

"Don't forget your allergy medicine."

"I got it mom." Kendall replied, shoving the orange bottle into his bags.

"And don't forget to use it." Mrs. Knight insisted. "I don't want to hear your wheezing when you call me."

"I promise I'll use it mom." Kendall said with a slight eye roll.

"Oh, and speaking of which, make sure you do call me. A lot." Mrs. Knight said. "Especially if anything happens like James sees pretty girl while driving and jumps the curb, or if James makes out with a cop's girlfriend again, or if you have too much sugar and stand up in the convertible and hit your head on a low bridge or-"

"Mom!" Kendall interrupted. "Trust me, it's gonna be fine. Just me and James going on a road trip to Minnesota for a few days. We'll be back in one piece."

"Ok." Mrs. Knight leaned and kissed her eldest on his cheek.

"Kendall! Let's GO!" James yelled running to Kendall's bedroom. "Minnesota awaits!"

"Ok spazzy!" Kendall said to the hyperactive brunette bouncing in front of him.

"James did you remember-"

"Yes, Mrs. Knight, I have my medicine, and clothes, and clean underwear, and my phone charger, and I promise I won't makeout with girls who are dating cops." James replied, cutting his subrogate mother off before she could even ask him those questions.

"Good boy." Mrs. Knight kissed James on his cheek and then Kendall once more.

"C'mon Kenny, let's go!" James grabbed Kendall's forearm and dragged him out of the room.

"We'll call you in a few hours mom!" Kendall called back to his mother.

****

. . .

It all started because of James's birthday. Instead of going out or having a party like a normal seventeen year old would, James wanted to be different (and difficult) with two little words…

Road. Trip.

It started off as the four boys driving from LA to Minnesota but Logan came down with a sudden case of appendicitis so he had to stay home, and Carlos didn't want to leave Logan by himself, so Kendall being the only one accompanying James on his birthday road trip, who wasn't all for the road trip like James was.

****

. . .

__

"Please Kenny!" James stuck out his lower lip and flashed Kendall his infamous puppy dog eyes he learned from Katie.

Kendall groaned at being called his old childhood nickname James only used when he wanted something. "James, why do we have to go on a road trip to Minnesota?" the blonde asked. "If you wanna go there so bad we can take a plane."

"Planes aren't fun!" James complained. "They're just, like, sitting in the air for a couple of hours. Driving is fun, and it's even funner when your best friend is with you!"

Kendall sighed. James's guilt trip was working a little better than he had hoped. "James, really though? A road tip? We don't know the first thing about going on a road trip."

"What's to know? You sit in the car and you don't get lost. It's simple." James explained with a slight eye roll. "C'mon Kendall, please?" the pout was making a comeback.

"James-"

"Remember for your thirteenth birthday when I got you the tickets to the Maple Leafs game, and Colby Armstrong did that hat trick and the puck bounced off the net and hit me in the head?" James asked. Kendall bit his lip, so he wouldn't laugh and nodded. "And remember how I said I was fine even though I wasn't so we could finish watching the game and then I ended up having a mild concussion?" James continued.

"So, what's your point?" Kendall asked, his lip quivering slightly.

"I just sat there for two hours with a throbbing head and then I passed out!" James exclaimed. "Go on this road trip with me and we'll be even."

Kendall sighed again. "Are you gonna give me a concussion on this trip?"

"Not intentionally."

"Then I guess we're going on a road tip."

As soon as those words left Kendall's mouth, James let out a happy shriek and threw his arms around Kendall and hugged him tightly while jumping up and down.

****

. . .

The main reason Kendall didn't want to go on this road trip at first was because he had an undeniably obvious crush on James, and spending time alone with him without Logan, Carlos, his mom, Katie, or even Gustavo to interrupt them was making him both excited and very, very nervous. He didn't know how to act around James without embarrassing himself or making it obvious that he liked him because James was so oblivious to it. And right now, Kendall liked it that way because then he wouldn't have to risk potential heartbreak if James didn't like him back.

"Why do quiet?" James's cheerful voice pulled Kendall out of his thoughts and the blonde boy turned to look at the driver.

"Just thinking." Kendall shrugged. "What about you, you've been pretty quiet."

"I've been singing." James corrected him. "So technically I'm not quiet."

"Touché." Kendall laughed and leaned forward to turn up the volume on the radio slightly. The end of Katy Perry's _Firework_ was playing.

"Oh, I love this song!" James exclaimed.

"You love almost every song on the radio." Kendall countered.

"They have good songs this year." James said, slightly defensively and Kendall chuckled. He leaned back in his seat, but kept his head turned toward James. His brunette locks were flying back as the wind from the top of the convertible being down and his hazel eyes were shielded with black sunglasses. As usual, he looked amazing. And the fact that his flawless tenor voice was singing along to the radio was bringing a wider smile to Kendall's face that before. After _Firework_ ended, _Grenade_ by Bruno Mars started to play and James sang along to that one too.

"You love this song too?" Kendall asked.

"Yeah," James chuckled. "It's so sad, but I can relate."

"You can?" Kendall inquired.

"Yeah. I know what it's like to love someone so much but they won't give you the time of day." Kendall noticed through his tinted shades that James's eyes went downcast somewhat.

"Well if it makes you feel any better, I'd catch a grenade for you Jamie." Kendall said. He grinned widely when he saw James's cheeks were tinted pink after that statement. The brunette boy turned his head to smile at Kendall and doing so the car drifted into the other lane slightly, grazing against an 18 wheeler. Kendall let out a scream of surprise and James swerved back into their lane.

"Oh my God!" the two boys exclaimed together, but Kendall's was out of the fear of almost dying and James was actually laughing.

"That was awesome!" James exclaimed.

Kendall stared at him as if he was insane. "That was not awesome!" he yelled. "That was insane! We almost died!"

"You should've seen the look on your face." James laughed, throwing his head back as he did so.

"James." Kendall took a deep breath to calm himself down. "Look at your life, look at your choices. Now, my mother always told me it was a bad choice to hit a truck while driving!"

"I didn't do it on purpose." James said, slightly laughing still. "Just lighten up. You're sounding like Logan now."

Kendall rolled his eyes and leaned back in his seat, making sure his seatbelt was securely strapped.

"Ok, so this whole trip is gonna take about two days." James said. "But we're obviously gonna need to make stops along the way so where would you like your last California meal to be."

Kendall smiled fondly. "Fred 62 Diner." he said.

James smiled at him. "Excellent choice my friend."

"Yeah… friend." Kendall's voice was barely audible above the wind and music at this point.

****

. . .

****

A/N: awh, poor Kendall ): unrequited love sucks…but is it really unrequited? These are the questions that shall haunt you…. ;) and oh my good gosh fanfiction HATES me today because trying to get this chapter edited in the edit/preview doc was horribleeee! the line things kept messing everything up (hense the dots where there should be page breaks) but its up and good to go now so i guess i cant complain lol.


	3. Chapter Two

****

A/N: alright so I'm a lazy person so I'm just going to stick with the dot dot dot stuff instead of the line things when I edit this on the fanfiction docs (: sorry if they bug you but I'm just a person lol and by the way, the drug use comes to play in this chapter, and the start of some JamesAngst… oh boy! :D

. . .

****

Chapter Two

Seeing as how they left The Palm Woods in late afternoon, the sun had set quicker than Kendall had wished and the boys had no choice but to pull into a motel for the night since James wasn't the best driver in the dark. Kendall had no idea why he was so nervous, he had spent the past year and a half rooming with James at the Palm Woods and before then when they were living in Minnesota, they had countless sleepovers at one another's houses where they shared bed on really cold nights. But for some reason it was really different to Kendall now.

__

'You'll be fine'

he told himself. _'You will survive this night and whatever other nights you spend after this with him' _

"Here's our room." James said, unlocking it and pushing it open. Their hotel wasn't the nicest one they've ever stayed at but it wasn't a total dump. And there were two beds so Kendall knew survival was going to happen tonight. The two boys walked around their room, observing their new living conditions for the night.

"Lookie what I found!" James said in a sing-song voice, waving a plastic zip lock bag filled with a white, powdered substance.

Kendall squinted at it. "What's that?"

"A party favor." James smirked and then poured the powder out onto the desk in the room. "You wanna go first or what?"

"James, what are you talking about?" Kendall asked walking over to his side. James turned to look at him, an innocent yet devious smile on his face. "Wanna make this a road trip worth remembering?"

****

. . .

Kendall has taken quite the metamorphosis since the boys moved out of Minnesota and James couldn't deny that he couldn't take his eyes off of the boy. Currently, the blonde boy was sitting on the floor of their hotel, devouring a package of Oreos, looking just about cuter than ever. Even with his pupils dilated, his blue-green eyes looked brighter than usual with the red lining around them. The California sun had taken an affect on Kendall's hair- which had been darker in Minnesota- and it was blonder than James could remember it. Even his body had changed. Kendall had grown a few inches, finding himself at James's line of vision and he had gained a bit of muscle due to him tagging along with James to the gym almost weekly. All in all, Kendall was quite a sight and even a blind man could see James was enjoying the view. For as long as he could remember, James had been very attracted to Kendall; so much that it had escalated to a very huge crush on said boy.

"Why are you staring at me?" Kendall asked, causing James to flinch slightly.

"I'm not." James lied.

"Were too. You're eyes were like glued to me." Kendall smirked, clearly amused.

James didn't reply, just rolled his eyes and shrugged. "Hey, wanna do something cool?" he asked. He stood up and took Kendall up with him. He led the boy out onto the balcony of their room and then started climbing up the ladder along side the building.

"What're we doin?" Kendall asked, climbing up after James.

"Going up to the roof." James replied.

Kendall stopped. "Maybe we shouldn't. We could get in trouble."

"C'mon, it's like one more memory of California for the road." James insisted, pulling Kendall up onto the roof with him.

"What's with all the nostalgia tonight?" Kendall asked, grunting as he took James's hand and the brunette helped to hoist him up onto the roof of the hotel. Kendall looked around, taking in one last breathtaking view of California before he and James set off to Minnesota.

"You know what this reminds me of?" James asked, shoving his hands into the pockets of his hoodie. He pulled out a pack of cigarettes and offered one to Kendall. The blonde boy took one without questioning him, figuring he should just roll with the punches from here on out. After James had his cigarette lit, Kendall took the lighter, but just toyed with it in his hands.

"You know what this reminds me of?" James repeated, exhaling a puff of smoke.

"Hmm?" Kendall murmured, his cigarette resting between his lips, unlit.

"Those nights in Minnesota." James walked over to where Kendall was standing and stood next to him, their shoulders brushing together, causing Kendall to turn his head and look at James. The smell of nicotine and the brush of cigarette smoke on his lips made the hair on the back of Kendall's neck stands on end. Right now he finally understood why Griffin insisted on the band having a bad boy- because James looked pretty damn sexy right now in his leather jacket and a cigarette between his lips.

"I remember." Kendall whispered. The blonde boy smiled fondly at the memories of James and Kendall sitting up on Kendall's roof late at night, drinking James's dad's beers and talking about life until they were too tired to talk anymore. "Those were some great nights." There was a moment of silence between the two boys.

"Wanna hear a secret?" James asked him, tossing his cigarette onto the rooftop and stomping it out with his shoe. He reached over to Kendall and took his unlit cigarette out of his mouth and lit it.

"You took another hit of that coke stuff when I wasn't looking?" Kendall joked. He took a small hit of the cigarette when James and blew the smoke right in James's face. The brunette's cheeks flushed and he took a hit.

"No." James said, answering Kendall's question. "But what I was going to say was… I'm really glad it's just you and me here, Kendall."

Kendall's head sharply turned to look at James, his eyes wide and his cheeks red. James was biting his lip and looking down, but Kendall could see that he was blushing as well. Right now, Kendall was soaring. Those were the words he had been dying to hear since their trip started.

"James, can I ask you something." Kendall asked as he took the cigarette out of James's hand before it burned his skin. He put it too his lips and took a puff.

"Shoot."

"Why Minnesota?"

James bit his lip, he knew this question was going to pop up sooner or later. Luckily he had been able to put it off for a while but there was no avoiding it now. Taking a deep breath, he whispered, "Minnesota was where it all started with us."

Kendall raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"I mean… we had a life in Minnesota, we had memories, and… feelings back then and California made everything weird and different and I… I didn't want us to forget how it started with us… if there even is an us anymore." James was looking like a tomato at this point and Kendall was still soaring. He dropped the cigarette to the ground, stomped it out and timidly reached out and grabbed James's hand. The brunette boy looked up at him, confusion in his eyes. "There is an us." Kendall whispered to him, and James's smile couldn't be wider.

****

. . .

__

It was one of those nights in Minnesota where the wind was just chilling your bones but you didn't care but you were next to him and he was making you feel like your body was on fire. It was one of those feelings that made your stomach flip because you were so nervous but you didn't mind because it made you feel so indescribably happy. It was one of those nights worth remembering…

"Truth or dare?" James asked.

"Truth." Kendall replied.

"Uh…" James closed his eyes, thinking. Finally, he thought of a question. "Ok, do you like anybody?"

Kendall felt his face begin to heat up. "Um, um, I s-sorta do." he stuttered nervously.

"Really, who?" James rolled over so he was on his stomach and Kendall toppled off of him, seeing as his head was propped up against his shoulder. Kendall laid on his stomach as well and took a sudden interest in the ceiling tiles. "C'mon, tell me." James nudged his shoulder.

"No." Kendall insisted.

"Can I guess?" James asked, clearly not giving up.

"James!" Kendall whined and then proceeded to bury his face in his arms.

"C'mon Kenny!" James shook him and Kendall lifted his head up to glare at him.

"Fine, whatever, you can guess!" the blonde growled.

"Ok, is it a boy or a girl?" James asked, a teasing smile fighting its way onto his lips. Kendall groaned and buried his face in his arms again. "Well…?"

"Nnnn." Kendall mumbled.

"It's a boy?" James asked, all traces of teasing gone from his voice. Kendall's shoulders rose and fell and James was silent for a moment. "I do too."

"You do what?" Kendall asked, his voice muffled.

"I like boys too."

Kendall's head shot up. "What, seriously?"

James nodded, his face turning beet red. "But, um." James coughed awkwardly. "That's besides the point. We're talking about you. So, what's his name?"

"Nnngah…" Kendall's head was hidden again.

"Is he cute?" James prodded.

Kendall turned his head to the side and looked at James. "He's very cute." he whispered. And then he propped his head up on his hand, his elbows holding him up, and he leaned in forward, pressing his lips against James.

It was his first kiss.

****

. . .

"It was nice up there." Kendall said as the boys reentered the balcony. "Definitely a good memory for the road."

"Yeah, I agree." James said. He threw his arm around Kendall's shoulder, giving him a one-armed hug. Kendall turned his head so they were looking at each other and became aware of the lack of space between the two of them; Kendall could practically feel James's breath on his lip. The brunette's eyes lingered down toward Kendall's lips and then bit his own. Wordlessly, Kendall reached up and moved his pearly whites away from his bottom lip. He felt his eyes fluttering shut as he and James leaned forward, but right before they could even make contact, James yanked Kendall's beanie off of his head and ran back inside; an act of fear. The blonde's eyes snapped open and he ran after him.

"Give it back Diamond!" Kendall laughed, chasing James around their hotel room.

"No way!" James laughed in reply. He ran until he tripped over one of the bags left on the floor and fell onto his bed. Still laughing, he made an attempt to crawl off but Kendall got to him quicker than he could get away. The blonde boy grabbed his hips and flipped him over so he was laying on his back and then climbed on top of him.

"Hand it over." Kendall said, pinning James's wrists down to the bed. His knees were on either side of James's waist and as each moment passed the taller boy found himself getting more and more uncomfortable as Kendall's frame towered over top of him.

"C-can you get off, please?" James asked, his voice lower than it was before, but Kendall didn't take notice to it and just pressed down on his wrists harder with tight fists. The boy in question winced and squeezed his eyes shut.

"You'd like that wouldn't you?" Kendall laughed lightly. A small whining noise emitted from the back of James's throat and Kendall's laugh lines ceased. "James, you ok?"

"Get off, _please_." he whined, anxiety taking over him. He couldn't control the tremors working their way throughout his body or the way his breaths were coming out unevenly or the way the tears were stinging at his eyes.

Kendall looked down at him, a look of concern on his face. "Ok, ok." he let go of James's wrists and moved so he was sitting on one side of James. The other boy rolled over onto his side and pulled his knees up to his chest. Kendall reached over and brushed James's bangs aside. "Are you ok Jamie?" he asked softly. James bit his lip, muffling his whimper slightly, but nodded, and Kendall felt a pang of guilt at his chest. "I'm so sorry Jamie." he rubbed James's back comfortingly. "I was just playing around, I didn't think you'd get so upset."

"It's ok." James mumbled.

"Are you sure?" Kendall asked, looking worried.

"Yeah, I'm fine." James opened his eyes and smiled slightly. "Let's just go to bed."

"Ok Jamie." Kendall whispered, getting the hint that James didn't want to talk about what had just happened. He got up from James's bed and walked across the room to his own. "Goodnight."

"Night."

**. . . **

****

A/N: ok soo it gets a tad more in-depth of why James kinda freaked out when he got pinned down by Kendall in chapter three but at the moment that's only half done. As soon as I finish it however it'll be up! I really couldnt wait to post this chapter because I was crazy in love with it lol. Andddddd my Christmas break officially starts tomorrow! And I'm done school till next year :D so psyched! But anyway, thoughts for this chapter? I love hearing from you all!


	4. Chapter Three

****

A/N: this chapter was hard for me to write cuz I planned out so much of the story and when I was typing, it was going by too fast so in an attempt to slow things down, I stretched out day/night one a little bit longer with some JamesAngst and some fluffy Kames moments. Hope its all to your liking (:

Chapter Three

It was Kendall's fault that James couldn't sleep right now.

Of course he couldn't put the whole blame on the blonde boy. He didn't know that James didn't like to be pinned down; nobody did. And as far as James was concerned nobody was going to know why. It wasn't anybody's business what happened to him when he was thirteen… even though sometimes he just wanted to tell _anyone_; just blurt it out- "I was raped!" and maybe, just maybe, he would start to feel better. Maybe he wouldn't hurt anymore.

But all of that was beside the point. The point now was that James was tossing and turning in his bed while Kendall was sound asleep in the bed next to him. It wasn't fair. Rolling over and closing his eyes, James tried to picture something that wouldn't ultimately give him nightmares. And that something was in fact his blonde companion across the room. With a smile, the brunette boy was reliving the moment when Kendall had him pinned down to the bed, but with a twist.

"James, you ok?" Kendall asked him.

"I'm scared." James pathetically whimpered out. His cheeks burned with embarrassment and shame.

"Don't be baby, I won't ever hurt you. I promise." and without another word, Kendall leaned forward and pressed his lips against James's. James's eyes went wide for a moment, registering what was happening right now. Kendall was _kissing him_. His body quaked with complete ecstasy and slowly his eyes drifted shut. He could feel Kendall's warm, comforting hands wrap around his body, pulling him upward. James wrapped his hands around Kendall's waist, pulling him close to him, never wanting to let him go. Kendall's fingers ran through James's soft brown locks then tugged at them ever so lightly, causing James to moan out in pleasure. The two broke their kiss, needing to catch their breaths, and James dropped back down onto his bed, a wide smile on his face. "I love you Kenny." he murmured, idly toying with the hem of Kendall's tank top.

"I love you too Jamie." Kendall replied, his eyes going downcast at the sight of James teasing his shirt. Kendall's eyes snapped back up and raised them suggestively at James. The brunette boy giggled and Kendall reached down to take off his shirt. James closed his eyes in anticipation, a wide smile on his face. A moment later, his eyes snapped open and Kendall's shirt went flying over his head. But when the shirt dropped to the floor, it wasn't Kendall's face James was staring it.

It was _Him_.

The bane of all James's nightmares and pain. _He_ was on top of him right now, not Kendall. _He _was touching him, bruising him, with those rough hands, not Kendall. _He_ was going to take his innocence all over again…

James flew up in bed, gasping for breath. His hand clutched his chest as he tried to steady his breathing. He was sweating bullets and shaking violently. He knew he shouldn't have went to bed, it would've been so much easier on him if he just stayed awake. His breathing returned to normal after a few moments and, as he wiped the tears out of his eyes, he looked around the dark hotel room. Kendall's bed was empty and the light in the bathroom was glowing through the crack in the door. Putting two and two together, James quickly and quietly rushed over to Kendall's bed and dove under the covers, pulling them up to his neck. His bed was warm and it made James feel like Kendall's warmth was wrapped around his whole body, keeping him safe. Immediately his eyes began drifting shut. He didn't even notice Kendall walk out of the bathroom and got to sit down.

"OH MY GOD!" the blonde boy jumped back and clicked on the lamp.

"Hey." James smiled cheekily at him but yawned.

Kendall crossed his arms across his chest. "Something wrong with your bed?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, there's a monster under it." James joked lightly. Kendall took a seat on his bed next to him and noticed how James was sweating and trembling slightly. "Can I sleep in your bed tonight?" the brunette asked quietly.

"Yeah…if you can tell me what's wrong with your bed." Kendall blurted out, idly running his fingers through James's hair. Normally Kendall would've let James sleep with him no questions asked, but tonight his curiosity was getting the better of him.

James sighed. "I had a bad dream."

Kendall felt a pang in his chest; the same pang he felt earlier that day when he had pinned James down to the bed and he started to freak out. "Are you ok?" he asked.

James shrugged. "I guess so, but I'd feel better if I didn't have to sleep by myself."

Kendall smiled. "Then consider yourself better. Scoot over." James beamed widely and rolled over in Kendall's bed. The blonde haired boy laid in bed next to him and laid on his side so he was facing James. "So, do you wanna talk or just go to sleep, or what?" Kendall asked with a slight laugh.

"Uh, we can talk if you wanna." James replied. "I'm not all that tired."

"Ok so…" Kendall trailed off.

"Uh, are you excited to go back to Minnesota?" James prompted.

"Yeah, I think I am." Kendall said, his smile growing wider causing James's smile to grow as well. "I miss it there…except the weather. That I don't miss." the two boys chuckled and James nodded in agreement. "Are you excited to see your dad?" Kendall asked.

James's smile faded. "Uh- uh, yeah, I guess I am." Kendall raised an eyebrow. "I-I mean," James stuttered. "We talk so much it's like I never left him."

"Yeah, I feel you." Kendall nodded buying James's lie and the brunette let out a breath of relief. "Well I'm excited to see him."

"You are?" James raised his eyebrow this time.

"Yeah. I mean, your dad and my dad were best friends and since I obviously can't visit my dad…" Kendall trailed off again, his eyes going downcast slightly.

"Well it's not like we can't visit your dad." James tried and Kendall glanced up at James. "Like, we can visit his grave and you can talk to him. I used to do that when my nana died."

"Yeah, I remember." Kendall said nodding slightly. He paused. "I guess we can do that. But still, we should visit your dad."

__

'Great'

James groaned in his mind. "Cool." he muttered, then laid down on his back. "Why were our dads friends anyway?" he wondered aloud.

"Why not?" Kendall asked.

"They were so different." James explained.

"We're different too." Kendall contradicted.

"Yeah but we're similar enough to go together." James titled his head toward Kendall and smiled at him. He saw a light pink color tinting his cheeks.

"How do you always know the right thing to say?" Kendall murmured, snuggling under the covers.

James shrugged and reached for Kendall's hand, giving it a squeeze. Kendall opened his shut eyes to look at James. "It's not the right thing, it's just the truth." he whispered to the blonde boy before closing his own eyes. Kendall closed his eyes in content and sighed. The two boys fell asleep facing each other with their hands intertwined.

****

. . .

****

-The Next Day-

"Jamieeeeeeeeee!" Kendall's voice sang in James's ear. The brunette boy groaned and pulled a pillow over his head, covering his ear and blocking out Kendall's voice so he couple keep sleeping. "C'mon James, wake up!"

"Go away!" James moaned.

"No! Wake up!" Kendall stood up and started jumping up and down on the bed chanting, "Wake up! Wake up!" over and over again until he just landed on top of James's body. The brunette boy groaned out in pain and lifted the pillow off of his head so Kendall could see the glare on his face. "You are so obnoxious!"

"Well you sure didn't mind it when we were fourteen." Kendall countered with a smirk, and James felt his cheeks burning and tinting red.

"Well I'm not fourteen anymore." James muttered. "And you don't weigh as much as you did when we were fourteen."

Kendall raised an eyebrow. "What are you trying to say?" he asked slowly. James chuckled and shrugged innocently. "Anyways, I figure we should get an early start so we can at least be in Nevada today seeing as we have five other states to drive through."

James sighed. "Yeah, I guess you're right…but I'm still tired."

"Cuz of the monster under your bed?" Kendall teased him.

"There was a monster!" James whined then pulled the pillow over his face again. Kendall chuckled and pulled the pillow off of him.

"I'll drive today." Kendall said. "But only if we get a move on it now!"

James sighed again. "Ok, fine, I'll get up." he threw the covers off of him and staggered over to the bathroom.

"Hey Jamie." James turned around to look at the blonde. "You look really cute with bed head." James blushed for the second time that morning and tenderly ran his fingers through his messy brown hair. "Thanks." he muttered, then ducked into the bathroom to clean himself up before they left the hotel.

___********___

****

. . .

__

"James David Diamond, wake up now!" Kendall grabbed James's heels and started pulling. James grabbed onto Kendall's headboard of his bed and held on tightly as Kendall struggled to pull him out of bed. "James, you've been sleeping for an hour now get up!" Kendall groaned.

____

"Just because you wake up early doesn't mean I have to!" James replied, struggling to get Kendall lose. After a few more moments of struggling James succeeded in getting Kendall off of his ankles and he curled up in a ball under Kendall's blankets. A couple of seconds later James felt the force of something landing on top of his body. "Ow!" he moaned and rolled over, his head poking out from the top of the blanket. Kendall was laying on top of him, smiling down at him. "Can I help you?" James asked, a hint of annoyance in his voice.

"You can get out of bed." Kendall replied. "C'mon, I wanna do something today."

"I'm tired Kenny." James whined. "You had me up half the night 'cause of that stupid movie."

"Well it's not my fault that you were afraid of Scream 3." Kendall said rolling his eyes.

"I wasn't scared." James pouted.

"Then how come you were shaking the whole time?" Kendall asked teasingly. "And how come you screamed like a little girl when the phone rang?"

"I didn't scream like a little girl." James growled, pushing Kendall off of him and rolled over onto his side. Kendall chuckled and wrapped his arms around his waist.

"Logan said he heard you next door." the blonde chuckled and James just rolled his eyes. "C'mon, I'm only teasing." Kendall kissed his cheek and James couldn't fight the smile on his lips. "You know why I picked that movie don't you?"

"No, why?" James turned his head so he was looking at Kendall.

____

"Cuz I love holding you when you're scared." Kendall replied. James smiled widely and leaned in, placing a gentle kiss on his lips.

******____******

****

. . .

****

A/N: so here's the third chapter :D next one will be up next year (; hehe Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you all :D -heart-


	5. Chapter Four

**A/N: Ok, so I know that I said I was going to wait until next year to post my next chapter but I couldn't wait that long lol (: so enjoy my lack of self control!******

Chapter Four

"How long does it take to drive to Vegas?" James asked.

"Uh, according to the GPS, about five hours." Kendall replied. James groaned loudly and his head dropped back against his seat. "Is there a problem with that?" Kendall asked with a chuckle knowing that James was beginning to get restless just sitting in the car.

"Yes, I'm bored!" James said.

Kendall smirked and the pulled the car over to the side of the road. James looked at him in confusion and Kendall replied by saying, "Let's see if I can help cure your boredom." Before James could say anything, Kendall awkwardly crawled over the gearshift and into his lap. James's breath was caught in his throat as Kendall reclined his chair back and then placed his lips on the brunette's. While the two of their tongues explored around each other's mouths, Kendall slid his knee in between James's legs, separating them and then working his knee rapidly, chafing it against James's crotch. James moaned out in pleasure, his hands moving up to Kendall's hair and pulling it.

"You like that?" Kendall asked, pulling his lips away from the older boy's.

"Yes." James moaned out and then whimpered in pleasure as Kendall applied more pressure to his now hard member. The blonde boy removed his knee from between James's legs and he immediately started to whine, seeking friction from Kendall. His eyes shut as the button of his jeans popped open and the zipper went down. His jeans were bunched up by his knees and Kendall's hand was now inside his boxers, pressed against his shaft. His hand groped at James's cock, his thumb rubbing him, kneading him ever so lightly. "Faster Kendall!" James moaned. "_Please_ go faster!"

The blonde boy smirked in reply and gripped on to James a bit tighter, pumping faster and harder, making James shiver and moan with pleasure. "Nnn, Kendall, mmgh." the taller boy whimpered, and arched up into Kendal's touch.

"Are you gonna come?" Kendall asked, his breath tickling James's ear. The boy in question just groaned and nodded, words beyond him right now. "Tell me." Kendall groaned. "I wanna hear you say it."

"I-I'm gonna c-come for you!" James cried, and Kendall quickened the pace just enough to send James flying over the edge. The brunette bit his lip and comes hard, gripping on to Kendall for dear life.

"JAMES!"

Hazel eyes snapped open and James's body went flying forward, nearly colliding with the dashboard. His breath was uneven and ragged and he placed one hand on his chest, feelings his heartbeat pound loudly.

"Are you ok?" Kendall asked, watching him nervously.

"M'fine." James muttered, his voice cracking slightly.

"Are you sure? You were moaning and whimpering a lot." Kendall said and James felt his face heat up immediately. _'Kill me now. Just kill me now' _he thought.

"Yeah, I'm fine." James said. He shifted in his seat and winced when he felt the front of his pants were cold and sticky. _'Shit.'_

"Ok, well do you mind if we pull over at the next rest stop?" Kendall asked him. "I gotta piss like a racehorse."

"No, I don't mind at all." James said quickly and Kendall gave him another strange look, but didn't question it. The blonde boy drove their car into a convince store and pretty much leaped out of the car to go inside. James on the other hand, after retrieving a fresh pair of jeans, moved stiffly inside. Once he was inside one of the bathroom stalls he pulled off his soiled pants and put on the fresh ones. He contemplated bringing the other pair of jeans back inside the care with him but then just decided to throw them in the trash. The last thing he need was Kendall to find out he had a wet dream about him. When he went to go wash his hands, he splashed himself in the face with the cool water. There was no way he was going to survive this road trip alive.

"I feel better." Kendall said, walking over to the sink next to James to wash his hands.

"Well please spare me the details." James chuckled. His brow scrunched together as he looked down at Kendall's hands. "What happened to your arm?"

Kendall's arm drew back as soon as James's said that and he reached for a paper towel to cover his wrist, but made it look like he was drying his hands. "Dunno." he muttered, not meeting James's gaze.

"It looks like you scratched or cut yourself." James continued, reaching for Kendall's arm but the blonde took a step back.

"It's nothing Jamie." he insisted, and them smiled lightly at him. "C'mon, I wanna get to Vegas before it gets dark."

****

. . .

It was late by time the boys made it to a hotel in Vegas but neither of them were tired. Sitting in their hotel room, the boys were occupying their time with beers and cigarettes.

"This stuff doesn't taste as good as they make you think it does." Kendall commented, grimacing as the alcoholic beverage slid down his throat.

"Coming from the boy who's on his second bottle of it." James chuckled and the burst out laughing hysterically. Kendall rolled his eyes and made an attempt to throw the empty bottle into the trash can. He missed and it bounced off of the rim. "Fail!" James sang and then started laughing again.

"Why are you laughing so much?" Kendall asked him. "It's not that funny."

"I don't know." James giggled, rolling over so he was laying on his back. "I'm just in a laugh-y mood!"

"You're smashed." Kendall commented.

"Am not." James said with a pout. He went to drink his beer and ended up spilling it on his face. This made Kendall burst out in laughter and James groan as the drink stung his eyes. "Stop laughing, it hurts!" James whined, his hands covering his eyes.

"Calm down you big baby." Kendall said, a little breathless from laughing, and eased James up into a sitting position. "You're gonna be fine."

"What if I go blind?" James exclaimed. "I'll never be able to perform again! I'm gonna be a lonely hobo!" Kendall couldn't resist, he let out a loud, genuine laugh and James moved his hands to glare at him, despite his eyes watering. "You're so mean!" he said, crossing his arms across his chest.

"Don't be such a drama queen." Kendall snickered, not yet seeing the tears dribbling down James's cheeks. James sniffled and stood up to walk to the other side of the room. "Are you crying?" Kendall asked him, all traces of laughter gone from his voice.

"No jerk-face." James replied, his back to Kendall. Kendall sighed and got up, walking over to James and wrapping his arms around him. James tense up a bit but relaxed when Kendall rested his chin on his shoulder. "I'm sorry for laughing at you." he muttered. "You were right, I am mean. But you can trust me when I say that you're not going to go blind and become a lonely hobo."

James smiled lightly and turned his head to look at the blonde boy. And then before he could stop himself, he was leaning forward, pressing his lips against Kendall's.

And this time, it was real.

But just as soon as it happened, James went flying back into the wall. "Um, that didn't go as planned…" he muttered to himself.

"Why did you do that?" Kendall asked him.

"Cause when some likes someone else they kiss them." James explained slowly. "What's the big deal?"

"The big deal is that you don't like me!" Kendall exclaimed.

"Yes I do." James insisted. "And you like me… or at least I thought you did-"

"Stop teasing me James." Kendall growled almost angrily. "You know that I still like you."

"Then why are you acting like this over a kiss?"

"Because it's not nice to kiss someone if they don't mean anything to you!" Kendall exclaimed.

"You do mean something to me!" James insisted. "You mean a lot to me actually! I mean, I know I have a reputation as a player but I'm not an ass and you know that Kendall! If I didn't like you why would I kiss you?"

"That's what I wanna know!"

James sighed. "Kendall, you're not making any sense."

"It would make sense if you remembered." Kendall muttered.

"Remembered what?"

"Last year? Right before we went out to LA with Gustavo?" Kendall said and James just kept on staring at him. Kendall groaned. "Remember what we talked about James?" he practically yelled at him.

****

. . .

__

"I don't know how I can thank you Kendall." James murmured against Kendall's lips, which were working skillfully against his own.

"You don't have to thank me." Kendall replied. He pulled away from James so they could both catch their breath and then rested his forehead against the other boy's. "It wasn't a big deal."

"It's a huge deal Kendall." James said. He wrapped his arms around the blonde boy's waist and hugged him tightly. "You're giving up your dream to play on the Minnesota Wild just to make me a pop star. That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me."

Kendall blushed lightly. "No big deal." he muttered and placed another kiss on James's lips. "Just be lucky I love you."

James's heart swelled up in his chest. "I love you too Kendall." James whispered and beamed. "Just think, we'll be Hollywood's hottest couple in no time." Kendall laughed awkwardly and looked away for a moment. "Something wrong?" James asked him.

"James are you sure this is going to work?" Kendall asked him, moving a strand of hair out of his lover's eyes.

"What do you mean?"

"Us as a couple." Kendall blurted out. James opened his mouth but no words came out. He felt the blood drain from his face and his heart sped up. "I mean, I want to be with you James but we both have dreams and those dreams are gonna get a lot harder if we're…together."

"So you're saying we shouldn't be together?" James asked once he found his voice. Kendall shrugged. "But I thought you loved me." James's voice broke and Kendall looked at him to see tears filling up in his eyes.

"Baby, I do love you." Kendall said, kissing his cheek. "More than anything in the world. But I also want you to be happy more than anything in the world. And just think for a second, how hard it's gonna be trying to be a pop star who's gay."

James bit his lip. "It's gonna be really hard." he muttered softly.

"Exactly. And I don't want you to have to go through all of that." Kendall said.

"But…" James started, then stopped himself. Kendall was right; he had to be. He wouldn't say stuff like this unless he really cared about James. "I guess you don't see many gay hockey players do you." he said slowly.

Kendall smiled softly. "Not really." he said. "And dating in Hollywood is already more complicated than dating in Minnesota. I mean, you watch all those celebrity gossip shows. Everyday it's like someone new is breaking up. And I don't want that to be us Jamie."

James sighed. "So we're done?" he asked quietly, a fresh set of tears filling up in his eyes. "We're never gonna cuddle or kiss or hold hands again?"

Kendall closed his eyes briefly. "I wish it didn't have to be this way Jamie." he whispered. "But I love you too much to gamble our relationship like this." he kissed James one last time before getting up and climbing down the ladder that led to James's rooftop. He quickly ran home and locked himself up in his room, letting himself cry the tears he didn't want James to see.

****

. . .

"You aren't seriously bringing that up are you Kendall?" James exclaimed. "Incase you forgot, you're the one who said pop stars can't be gay!" he emphasized his point by shoving Kendall back slightly. "_You_ broke up with _me_!"

"I only said that for you!" Kendall yelled at him and shoved him back. "I didn't want to make things any harder for you Jamie! And if I really meant something to you how come you never told me? You could've told me that night that you didn't want to break up but you didn't!"

"Because you made it painfully obvious that we should break up!" James snapped.

"Well what about after that? We've been living together for a year! If you felt anything for me why didn't you tell me?"

"Because you got over me!" James shouted back.

Kendall gaped at him like a fish out of a water. "I _never_ got over you!"

"Then why did you date Jo?" James demanded.

"Because I need a distraction from you!" Kendall threw his hands up in exasperation. "I mean, damn James! You're always walking around me looking so attractive and making me want you but you barely give me the time of day! You're always out with all those other girls at the Palm Woods, especially that stupid sun block slut!"

James groaned and ran his fingers through his hair. "If you think those girls at the Palm Woods meant anything to me then you're even stupider than I thought you were." he muttered and then shoved past the blonde to sit down on one of the beds in the hotel room. "You thought you need a distraction?" he asked Kendall. "_I_ needed a distraction. You have no idea how much I wanted to be with you and if you ever thought I stopped loving you then you were totally wrong. And you have no idea how much it hurt me when you said we should break up." He buried his face in his palms and took deep breaths to calm himself down. He didn't move until he felt Kendall sit down next to him. Wordlessly, the brunette moved his hands away from his face and looked his friend square in the eye. "I wasn't trying to screw with you Kendall." he whispered. "I really do love you."

"You mean that?" Kendall asked softly and James nodded. "How- how much do you love me?" he asked timidly, his cheeks tinting red.

James replied by placing his hands on Kendall's hips and gently pressing his lips against his a second time. This time, Kendall didn't push him away; instead, he closed his eyes and felt himself melt into the kiss. He moaned softly as James gently pushed him back so he was laying down onto the bed, their lips never parting. "Let me show you how much I love you." James breathed when they pulled away from their kiss. His voice was low and seductive. It was the kind of voice that sent shivers up Kendall's spine and made his boxers drop to the floor.

**. . . **

****

A/N: remember how in the prologue Logan kept calling Kendall because he thought he and James were dead? Next chapter will tell you why (;


	6. Chapter Five

****

A/N: This chapter is rated M for sexual themes. Read at your own risk.

Chapter Five

"What are you going to do?" Kendall's words were coming out strangled as he tried to steady his breathing while James tossed his shirt over his shoulder. His mind was swimming with numerous fantasies about what was about to happen and he couldn't be more eager.

"I'm going to show you that you're mine."

Kendall's face flushed and turned a deep red color. He had imagined thousands of times James saying those very words to him but he never thought in a million years that it would actually happen. "How-how are you going to do that?" Kendall asked quietly.

James smirked in reply and seconds later he had his lips over Kendall's once more. The blonde moaned out in pleasure and James moved from his lips to kissing and licking a wet trail down Kendall's throat. Kendall gasped as James sucked on his neck, twisting his tongue around the skin and biting it gently. Kendall squeezed his eyes shut tight and involuntarily squeezed James's hips. He continued to moan pleasurably as James began kissing down his chest, sucking at the skin and leaving yet another hickey there. James kissed one of his nipples, sucking as the nub hardened beneath his lips.

"S-s-soooo good James." Kendall stuttered out, his body quivering involuntarily. "_Oh_ so good."

James replied by moving over to Kendall's other nipple and giving it the same treatment as the first one and then moved to the blonde's stomach, licking and kissing along his abdominal muscles. "_O-oh_." Kendall groaned, his voice cracking.

"You like this?" James asked breathlessly, leaning upward so he was towering over Kendall.

"_Yes_." Kendall breathed and complied by grabbing the back of James's neck, pulling him down to place a needy kiss on his lips. "I need more." he whispered, when they pulled away.

"Anything for you baby." James replied and then resumed licking a warm, moist trail down Kendall's abs, finishing by dipping his tongue into Kendall's navel. Kendall's breath had quickened even more and he was clenching the side of the bed with whitened knuckles as his body shook, not noticing how he was squeezing his cell phone beneath his hands.

He also didn't notice how he speed dialed Logan at that time.

"Oh my _Lord_!" Kendall moaned out as James dived forward, taking Kendall wholly into his mouth. "_Ohhhhh God _James!"

The brunette boy replied by swirling his tongue around Kendall's tip causing Kendall to groan out loudly and thrust his hips into the air. James released him with an audible 'pop' and the blond immediately started to groan out in frustration. "You ok Kendall?" James asked teasingly, before placing a kiss on Kendall's tip. The blonde was squeezing the bed sheets again, causing his phone to go tumbling to the ground and end his call with Logan.

"M-more! Don't stop please! I-I need it!" Kendall stuttered out, bucking his hips in the air.

James chuckled lightly before taking the time to drag his tongue up and around Kendall's shaft, then taking initiative to plunge forward, nearly swallowing all of Kendall again. He sucked him a little harder then felt his own dick tent up when Kendall moaned, "I-I'm so close, _mmmph_."

Moments later Kendall's body was quaking and James was swallowing the liquid now in his mouth.

"Oh James." Kendall sighed. James pulled himself up onto the bed and laid next to Kendall.

"You think that's proof enough that you're mine?" James asked him, idly, toying with his blonde locks.

Kendall chuckled breathlessly and looked down at his chest, which had hickeys covering a good portion of it. "I'll bet anyone who looks at me will know that I'm yours and yours only."

James felt his heart pound and his stomach flutter after Kendall said those words and he leaned in to give him a kiss on the lips.

"So you showed that you love me…" Kendall started, pressing his forehead against James's. "Now it's my turn to show that I love you."

"How?" James asked softly, his insides bursting with anticipation. Kendall replied by taking the hem of James's jeans and pulling them down.

"Well," Kendall gripped James's bulge in his hands, causing the brunette to thrust his hips, instantly seeking friction. "I can see whatever it is I have in mind you're more than ready."

"Mhm." James moaned out, his eyes shutting as Kendall began stroking his shaft through the fabric of his boxers. He inhaled sharply as Kendall's hand left his throbbing cock and opened his eyes to see Kendall holding a small bottle in his hands. "Is that lube?"

"Uh-huh," Kendall applied some of the gel onto his index finger while using his other hand to separate James's toned thighs.

"Were you planning to have sex with me on this road trip?" James asked half jokingly.

"I hoped." Kendall smiled. "Are you ready for this?"

"More than ready." James replied. Kendall hissed James's forehead fondly and then gently eased his finger into James. James's breath hitched and he gasped, trying to get used to the new sensations inside him as well as the tingles going up and down his spine.

"Are you ok Jamie?" Kendall asked him.

"Uh-huh." James croaked out and Kendall slipped his middle finger into the brunette as well. Kendall scissored his fingers tenderly and when he felt James gradually relaxing under his touches, his withdrew his fingers and lathered some lube on his own erection. "I'm going to go in, James." Kendall warned him, and James nodded. The brunette couldn't withhold his yelp of pain as Kendall began to penetrate him. "Are you ok?" Kendall asked, rubbing James's shoulder blades comfortingly.

James nodded. "Just move a little." he said, burying his face in the sheets. Kendall nodded and began pushing a little farther into James. He started off slowly thrusting into James, then gradually began speeding up. The pattern continued until Kendall's member came in contact with something inside of James. "_Kendall!_" James gasped, bucking his hips into the sheets. "Do that again, _please._"

Kendall smiled, realizing he hit James's prostate, and continued thrusting in that direction.

"Kendall, I think I'm gonna-"

"Me too." Kendall interrupted, then with a few more thrusts, James was pushed over the edge. The brunette let out an incoherent exclamation of euphoria as he hit his orgasm while Kendall moaned out his own. Without warning, his knees buckled from beneath him and Kendall toppled on James's back. The two boys laid there, panting, coming down from their highs.

"Kendall…" James panted.

"Yeah, babe?"

"I love you."

With a smile, Kendall rolled over so he was laying next to James. "I love you too."

****

. . .

****

A/N: so I'm not amazing at writing smut but I tried lol and I gave you guys a sweet ending to hold onto until my next update (: ps - have a great new year everyone! :D


	7. Chapter Six

____

****

A/N: first update of the new year :D haha hope you all like it! :D

Chapter Six

You know when you first wake up after a long night you gave a hard time remembering what happened the night before? That's how James felt right now. He knew something happened last night but he just couldn't put his finger on it. The only thing he could think about right now was that he was really cold and his ass hurt. The brunette boy shivered slightly and pulled the blanket up to his chin. "Come back, I'm cold." he muttered out.

"Wh-what?" he heard Kendall stutter. He sounded weird; like he was scared for some reason.

"Come back, I'm cold." James repeated. He shifted in bed and then winced. "And sore." he mumbled.

"Where are you sore?" Kendall asked.

"My ass."

Kendall groaned softly, then took a deep breath. "James… do you remember anything from last night?"

"What do you mean?" James opened his eyes and looked around the room. He saw the beer bottles, the cigs, Kendall in his boxers looking petrified, a condom wrapper, lube… his eyes widened almost as wide as Kendall's had. "Oh my-"

"I know." Kendall interrupted.

"What did we-"

"I don't know exactly… but I have an idea." Kendall was speaking softer now. Cautiously he took a seat on the bed next to James, who flinched away slightly from him. "James…we fucked-"

"No kidding." James muttered.

"Up." Kendall rolled his eyes. "Fucked up."

"Right." James said softly, nodding. He took a deep breath and looked around the room once more. "Maybe we shouldn't have left California."

"Yeah, maybe." Kendall muttered.

"S-so we really had sex last night?" James asked softly.

"It looks like it." Kendall said.

"Uh, how-how do you feel about it?" James asked nervously, feeling himself blush at the mere mention of the fact that the two of them made love last night.

Kendall opened his mouth to reply but he was cut off by his cell phone ringing loudly. The two boys jumped in surprised and Kendall fumbled to answer it. "Hello?"

"Well it's about time you answered your phone!"

"Logan?" James shot Kendall a confused look and Kendall just shrugged in reply. "Uh, what's up?

"What's up? That's all you can say right now?" Logan sounded more pissed off than the time when James- ugh- kissed Camille and he was pretty mad then.

"Is something wrong?"

"Yeah, I thought something happened to you guys! And you not answering your phone only made things worse! You're lucky I didn't tell your mom."

"Why would you think something happened to us?"

"Because you called me last night and you kept saying 'oh my god' and you were moaning and James asked if you were ok and then you just hung up."

Kendall's eyes widened. "Oh my god."

"What?" James mouthed.

"We called Logan while we were having sex!" Kendall hissed, covering the receiver with his hand. James's eyes widened and he grabbed a pillow to cover his overheated face. "Logan, we're totally fine." Kendall said into his phone. "We, uh, called you on accident."

"Well what were you doing?"

"Wh-what were we d-doing?"

"Yeah, I mean if you weren't dying, what were you doing? Having sex?" Logan's laugh echoed in Kendall's ears and he felt his face heat up. "Uh, that was my joke guess." Logan said when Kendall didn't reply.

"Logan, I'm gonna call you back, we're about to leave." Kendall said and then hung up his phone.

"What did he say?" James asked timidly.

"Let's just go." was all Kendall said. "We have a long drive ahead of us."

****

. . .

The drive leaving the hotel was so quiet and awkward, it was making James insane. Kendall would barely look at him and every time James tried talking to him he wouldn't say anything. Naturally, James was confused and a little hurt by this.

"Are you mad at me?" James asked after another long moment of silence.

"We're almost in Idaho." Kendall said after a minute of not responding to him.

"Kenny-"

"We're probably gonna have to get a hotel here seeing as we might not make it to Wyoming before dark." Kendall continued.

"Kenny-"

"I didn't know there were so many states between California and Minnesota." Kendall said, clearly ignoring James. "I guess you don't notice them when you're flying."

"Kendall, please!" James cried, clearly desperate for a proper response.

Kendall sighed and gripped the steering wheel a little bit tighter. "No, I'm not mad at you."

"So why won't you talk to me?" James asked.

"Because I'm confused right now James!" Kendall blurted out. "I mean, what the hell were we thinking last night?"

"We were thinking we love each other and we wanted to show it." James said, trying to keep the hurt out of his voice.

"Love? James what do we know about love? We're just teenagers! We don't know anything, or what we're doing."

"So what are you saying?" James asked. "I didn't mean anything to you last night?"

Kendall rolled his eyes. "Don't sound like such a chick James." he muttered.

"I mean it Kendall!" James said. "Did I mean anything to you last night, or ever?"

"James, as much as I hate to say this, I really don't know right now." Kendall said with a sigh. "I'm just confused. I mean, I never thought my first time having sex would be with someone who I'm not even dating."

"So because we don't have some ridiculous label on us you're acting like a jerk right now?" James demanded.

"I'm just being honest James!" Kendall exclaimed.

"No you're just trying to hurt me like always." James countered.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that this whole trip I've been trying to get closer to you and you keep pushing me away."

"Well can you blame me James? We didn't even start dating until we were fifteen and then we broke up and I had to spend a year and six months tying to convince myself that it's better if I'm not with you. Then all of a sudden you're like, 'hey let's go on a road trip and try to rekindle our fucked up relationship'? How did you really think I was gonna react to all of this James? Be all happy and smiley despite the fact that I've cried myself to sleep over you because you can't keep your flirty lips off of those girls at the Palm Woods? Did you want me to forget that when I wanted to have a real relationship with you reality got in the way and messed everything up? Because I can't forget that, and I can't pretend to be happy, and I can't just go along with everyone because you want it that way. I'm confused and I don't know what I want right now and you making me feel like I just kicked your puppy isn't helping anything!"

James opened his mouth to say something, but no words would come out. After a minute of failed speech, he just shook his head in disgust. "Fuck you." he whispered.

"You already did." Kendall muttered. James stared at him long and hard for a moment before pulling his hood up over his head, effectively covering his face and the tears streaming down it.

__

****

. . .

"I can't do this!" James said, pacing backstage of the middle school auditorium.

"You can do this, just relax." Logan said soothingly to him.

"No, I'm gonna embarrass myself, I know it." James insisted. "He's gonna think I'm so stupid!"

"No he won't. He'll love that you wrote a song for him." Carlos added.

"What if my voice cracks?" James exclaimed.

"You're voice will be fine James." Logan said.

"What if I forget the words?"

"You've been singing this song for over a month, you won't forget it." Logan insisted.

"What if I puke?"

"Don't." Carlos said simply.

"What if I faint?"

"Don't."

James groaned and gripped his hair in his fingers.

"James if you don't relax you're just gonna psych yourself out." Logan said. "Just take a deep breath and calm down. You're gonna do great, and Kendall's gonna love the song."

"You really think so?" James asked timidly.

"How could he not?" Carlos asked throwing his arm around his taller friend. James smiled weakly but his smile faded when the principal called his name out on stage. Logan and Carlos gave him a shove forward and he stumbled out on stage through the curtains. Some people in the audience chuckled lightly but most of them just applauded him. Taking a deep breath, James walked over to the microphone.

"Uh-uh this is a song I wrote," James said into the microphone. **(1)**. "It's um, dedicated to a very special person in my life, whether he knows it or not. Well, I guess he knows it now though." he smiled lightly when he saw Kendall's eyes widened and a blush rise to his cheeks. "Um, but it's called In My Veins and I'm gonna sing it now." James turned and looked over at Logan and nodded. Logan nodded back and pressed PLAY on the boom box next to him.

"Nothing goes as planned." he sang and the soft guitar music started to play out of the speakers, filling up the auditorium. "Everything will break." James pushed his hair out of his face as the music continued to play and looked everywhere but in Kendall's direction. "People say goodbye in their own special way." James sucked in a deep breath and started to sing the next part a bit louder than he had been singing before. "All that you can rely on, and all that you could fake will leave you in the morning, come find you in the day."

James finally looked at Kendall and saw that he was smiling wider than he had ever smiled before. James smiled in reply, tightly gripping the microphone, squeezing his eyes shut as he belted out he next words. "Oh, you're in my veins, and I cannot get you out. Oh, you're all I taste, at night inside of my mouth. Oh, you run away, cause I am not what you found. Oh, you're in my veins, and I cannot get you out." Opening his eyes, he looked over at Kendall, pointing straight at him, smiling and giving him a wink. To the untrained eye, it just looked like James was pointing randomly out into the audience but Kendall knew otherwise and it put butterflies in his stomach.

"Everything will change," James sang, the music picking up just slightly. "Nothing stays the same. Nobody is perfect. Oh, but everyone is to blame. Hey-ey. All that you rely on, and all that you can save will leave you in the morning, will find you in the day."

Not taking his eyes off of Kendall, James's mouth twisted into a smile as he kept singing. "Oh, you're in my veins, and I cannot get you out. Oh, you're all I taste, at night inside of my mouth. Oh, you run away, cause I am not what you found. Oh, you're in my veins, and I cannot get you out. No I cannot get you out. No I cannot get you out. Oh no I cannot get you out. No I cannot get you out." James took another breath as the music began slowing down again. "Everything is dark. It's more than you could take But you catch a glimpse of sunlight, shining, shining down on your face, your face." James pointed out to Kendall again and the blonde bowed his head, blushing furiously. "On your face. Oh, you're in my veins, and I cannot get you out. Oh, you're all I taste, at night inside of my mouth. Oh, you run away, cause I am not what you found. Oh, you're in my veins, and I cannot get you out."No I cannot get you out. No I cannot get you out. Oh no, I cannot get you…"

Letting out a final breath, James beamed as everyone in the audience cheered loudly for him, but Kendall jumping to his feet clapping for him, made him smile the most.

At the end of the talent show, James was sitting backstage when Kendall walked over to him. "Hey."

"Hi."

"So, that very special person in your life…" Kendall smiled shyly at him. "Do you think he liked the song?"

"I really, really hope he did." James replied, biting his lip despite the fact he was smiling just as shyly as Kendall was.

Kendall smiled a genuine smile and moved forward, pressing his lips against his in a breathtaking kiss. He smiled against James's lips as he felt her kiss him back, looping his arms around his neck.

"I can guarantee, he loved it." Kendall said when they pulled away from their kiss.

****

. . .

Kendall Knight was such a stubborn person- a trait he inherited from his dad. So even though he said that they probably wouldn't make it to Wyoming before dark, he tried his hardest to make it there. And his stubbornness came in handy seeing as they did make into Wyoming. The only problem was that it was he had been driving for a little over 10 hours and it was now almost 10 o'clock at night. And even though he was slowly becoming more tired that he was the previous hour, he refused to let James take the wheel; he needed something to distract him. This road trip was taking so much longer than Kendall had thought it would and it was slowly killing him.

His love for James was slowly killing him.

But Kendall couldn't think about that right now. The more he drove, the closer he got to South Dakota and the closer they got to South Dakota, the sooner they'd be in Minnesota.

But then what?

What was going to happen once they were in Minnesota? Did James have something planned for them? Were they going to act like everything was cool with them? What? Kendall hated not knowing things; he liked clarity and answers. And right now he had nothing.

The blonde boy looked down at his GPS (thankfully Logan had installed one into the car right after Gustavo brought it for them). 8 hours until they reached South Dakota. That would mean if he kept driving he would have them there at about 6 in the morning. Kendall bit his lip; was he going to last until 6 in the morning? He was slowly running out of Monster Energy Drinks. Kendall pressed a few more buttons into the GPS. If he drove directly to South Dakota's capital- Pierre- that would only take seven hours, meaning they would be there at five in the morning. That seemed decent and they could always crash in South Dakota, or James could take the wheel.

James…

Just thinking of the brunette boy who was pretending to be asleep next to him brought butterflies to his stomach. But there was also guilt aching at his stomach because he knew James was right. He was pushing him away this whole trip when all James wanted to do was become closer to him. For the past ten hours Kendall was trying to convince himself that it wasn't true but he knew it was. So now he was trying to figure out why it was true. A little voice in the back of his head whispered one word…

__

Afraid.

That couldn't be it though because Kendall Knight wasn't afraid of anything. But just thinking that statement Kendall knew it was a lie. There was one thing he was afraid of more than anything in the world- losing James. And if things continued the way they are now, his deepest fear was about to become a reality.

Kendall sucked in a deep breath. "James?"

No reply.

"James, I know you're awake. I just want to talk to you."

Nothing.

"Please Jamie?" was this how James felt when he was ignoring him earlier? More guilt wracked at his stomach and Kendall said the two words he should've said much sooner. "I'm sorry."

That got a reaction out of James. The brunette boy stretched and sat up straight, looking in Kendall's direction. His eyes were bloodshot and his cheeks had tearstains on them. "For what?" he asked in a meek, broken voice that shattered Kendall's heart. The blonde sucked in another breath, mustering up enough courage to continue talking. "For everything." he whispered. "You were right, I have been hurting you this entire trip and I know that you probably hate me now but I just wanted to apologize. You don't deserve any of that."

There was a minute of total silence between the boys and that was the longest minute of Kendall's life. Finally James whispered, "I don't hate you."

Kendall stared at him bewildered. "Why not?" he demanded. "I mean, if this was the other way around I would hate you."

"Then why did you?" James asked swiftly. "Why did you hurt me knowing how you would feel if the tables were turned."

Well wasn't that the million dollar question? As much as Kendall didn't want to admit it he whispered, "Because I was afraid." James raised an eyebrow, silently encouraging him to continue. "I don't know why but the thought of us being together again just scares me… even though I really want to be with you."

James didn't say anything and once again the silence was practically slapping Kendall in the face. "That- that doesn't make any sense." he finally stuttered out.

"It does." Kendall insisted quietly. "I'm scared because I don't want either of us to get hurt."

James couldn't resist. "None of us would've gotten hurt if you didn't act like such a jerk." he mumbled.

Kendall flinched at the invisible punch James just threw at him. "I know." he uttered quietly.

James bit his lip. "But I still don't hate you."

Kendall exhaled sharply. "Why?" he asked again.

James shrugged. "Because I love you."

His answer was so simple but it still said so much. "No." Kendall said, shaking his head. "James you can't love me. I'm no good for you."

"Kenny-"

"James, just tell me you hate me." the blonde was getting near hysterical at this point, all his emotions- anger, fear, lust, sadness- building up and they all just started pouring out. "I mean, how can you not hate me James? I'm a horrible friend and an even worse boyfriend and I do nothing but complicate everything and hurt you and… just hate me."

"I cant Kendall." James insisted. "Seriously I can't think of one reason why I should hate you!"

"Wake up James!" Kendall almost yelled at him, causing him to flinch in surprise. "Don't you see what happened here? You wanted to be with me for all this time and I've been trying to forget about you. I _wanted_ to hate your guts. I wanted to take you down, I wanted to make you as miserable as I was, and that is exactly what I did. So how's that for a reason to hate me?"

"P-pretty lame." James stuttered out.

"Face it James, I screwed you. I screwed you big time."

James had enough right now. He grabbed the steering wheel and yanked it to the side, causing the car to swerve over to the side of the road in a forced pullover. James then turned the key in the ignition, yanking it out of the slot and he shoved open his car door. Kendall watched in confusion as the tall boy walked over to his side of the car, yanked his door open, and forcefully pulled him, holding up by the collar of his shirt. "So you screwed me." James's breaths were coming out ragged and tears were swimming in his eyes but he still looked so angry. "So what? Me?" he pulled Kendall close to him so he was practically speaking in his ear right now. "I made love to you."

Kendall froze, his mouth slightly agape and he stood there listening to James trying to slow his breath down. Blinking furiously, slow James let go of Kendall and stood there, just staring him in the eye. Neither boy said anything, they just stared at each other. Kendall's jaw bobbed slightly as he tried to form some words and then he just launched himself forward, crashing his lips into James's.

Automatically James's eyes shut but he just stood there, shocked beyond belief, his arms just laying stiffly at his side. Was this Kendall trying to screw with him again? Part of him wanted to think that it was and he should stop kissing him before it got worse but then… he felt something. No not in his heart or his stomach. He felt something wet hitting his cheek. Opening his eyes he saw that tears- _actual tears_- were slowly making their way down Kendall's face. And that's how James knew it was true.

Right before the blonde boy was going to pull away, James threw his arms up, wrapping them around his waist, and pulling him in closer, kissing him back with all the passion he could muster up.

After deeming that both of them need air, the two boys pulled away from each other with a slightly audible 'pop' sound from their lips. Panting slightly, they stared at each other and a small smile tugged its way at Kendall's lips.

"Thank you." he said, wiping the moistness out of his eyes.

"For what?" James asked.

Kendall's eyes went downcast for a moment as he reached over to lace his fingers with James's. "For not hating me."

James smiled at Kendall and used his free hand to lift his chin up, looking him in the eye. "I told you, I could never hate you. love you."

"I love you too." Kendall replied instantly. "I have always loved you." And with those words, James placed his hands on the sides of Kendall's face and pulled him in for yet another kiss.

"But did you have to pull me out of the car like that?" Kendall asked when they pulled away a second time, a teasing smirk tugging at the sides of his lips.

"Well I happen to know for a fact that you like it rough." James replied, smirking as well. Kendall rolled his eyes and placed a kiss on James's cheek. And with that he realized that this is what love was- crazy, emotional, up and down, angry, heartbreaking, tearful, and the most amazing feeling Kendall Knight ever experienced.

_****_

. . .

****

1. So James did not really write the song performed in the flashback. It's called "In My Veins" by Andrew Belle. I was listening to it while I was writing the fight scene and I thought it was like perfect for this chapter so I had to find some way to put it in there (: I recommend you listening to it if you don't know it because it's really great.

Ok proper A/N now: yay for lengthy chapters! :D it was my new years resolution to become a better writer and do more writing, so hopefully the future will hold longer chapters as well (: (unless I get the dreaded writer's block :P) And I think that this was one of my favorite chapters I've done. There was so much drama and angst but if you ask me it was all tied together nicely. But my opinion isn't so important. What did you all think? (:


	8. Chapter Seven

****

A/N: I'm in an angst-y mood right now :/ so Kendall must suffer. Sorry Kendall lol

Chapter Seven

When Kendall woke up in the middle of the night, he knew he should've just went back to sleep and stayed asleep for the next few days. It wasn't because sleeping in the car had made his neck and back ache, but because of the familiar pain in his chest made it obvious what day it was. Confirming his suspicions he picked up his cell phone flipped it open, glancing at the date.

It was the day his dad died five years ago.

Kendall could feel the sob building up in his throat but he desperately tried not to cry but he wasn't accomplishing much. Tears were building up in his eyes and he punched the dashboard in frustration as they started to spill out.

James stirred lightly before waking up and Kendall hastily wiped his years away. "Hey, you're up pretty early." James leaned over and kissed Kendall's cheek. The blonde boy attempted a weak smile but he made no avail. "You ok?" James asked and Kendall just shrugged, staring blankly ahead. James's eyebrows crinkled together in confusion before his eyes traveled over to Kendall's glowing cell phone in his lap widened in recognition. When he saw the date he felt his heart drop into his stomach. Without a word, James leaned over and wrapped his arm around Kendall's torso. The blonde instantly leaned into James's touch, burying his face in the crook of James's neck.

"I miss him." Kendall mumbled.

"I know you do." James murmured back softly.

"I want him back."

James sighed and rubbed Kendall's back. "I wish there was something I could do."

Kendall pulled away from James and rubbed his eyes. "It's ok, I think I'm just gonna go back to sleep."

"Are you sure?" James asked uncertainly.

"Yeah, I'm tired." Kendall said.

"Ok." James kissed Kendall's cheek again and then leaned back in his seat, but he reached over and held Kendall's hand. Kendall gave him a small squeeze before leaning back in his seat and closing his eyes, hoping to forget the painful memories that were making its way back into his mind.

****

. . .

__

"C'mon Kendall, cheer up." Mr. Knight nudged his twelve year old son in the shoulder. The blonde was currently sulking in the passenger's seat of his car, sporting a black eye and a scowl on his face.

"I see no reason to cheer up." Kendall mumbled.

"It's not that big a deal bud. We all lose at least one game." Mr. Knight said comfortingly. "Besides, if you ask me, this doesn't even count as a loss." Kendall stared at his dad, bewilderment all over his face and Mr. Knight continued. "You were defending your friend, it's not your fault that you guys got benched."

"But-"

"Now tell me this, if you would've let those boys beat up Logan just to make sure you won the game, how would you feel?"

Kendall sighed. "Horrible."

"Exactly. So even though you lost you still won in a way."

Kendall rolled his eyes. "That was pretty cheesy dad."

Mr. Knight playfully shoved his son's head to the side and the smaller boy laughed. "And obviously you got your fighting skills from your dad." he added. "Don't tell your mom but you did a hell of a job out there on the ice."

Kendall beamed. "Thanks daddy." Mr. Knight smiled down at his son then turned his attention back to the road. There was a silence between the two of them momentarily before Kendall said, "It still would've been nice to win."

Mr. Knight rolled his eyes and playfully punched his son in the shoulder. "OW!" Kendall yelled, clutching his shoulder. "I need that arm to play ya know!"

"Well what are you gonna do about it killer?" his dad teased him.

Kendall smiled and started throwing punches at his dad's shoulders. Mr. Knight laughed, kept one hand on the wheel and used the other to fend Kendall off. "Ok Kendall, calm down." he said after a few moments but Kendall didn't light up. "Kendall, seriously, I'm driving. Kendall!" The twelve-year-old rolled his eyes and slouched back down in his seat. "It's no wonder they wanted you benched at that game killer."

Kendall chuckled and nodded in agreement. "So next game, we're totally winning. You're gonna be there right?"

"I'm gonna try bud."

Kendall sighed. "Every time you say you're gonna try you never make it."

"Kendall, you know that work gets in the way sometimes-"

"Try all the time."

Mr. Knight sighed. "But I always try my hardest to make it to your games."

"Then how come you never show up?" Kendall demanded. "I mean, if I do good next week I can be named MVP and I kinda wanted my dad to see that."

"Well I said I'm gonna try to make, so I'm gonna try."

"Whatever." Kendall sighed, crossing his arms across his chest. His dad pulled the car to a stop at a red light.

"Don't be like that Kendall." Mr. Knight said.

"Oh you mean like you?" Kendall countered.

"Kendall-"

"You know what, I'm just gonna walk home." Kendall roughly pushed the car door open and walked over to the sidewalk.

"Kendall, you're being ridiculous!" Mr. Knight called out of the window. Kendall ignored him and started his trek home. "Kendall!"

Everything that happened after that was instantaneous. Mr. Knight's car was struck from the back, causing him to spin out into the intersection. Kendall spun around and his eyes widened in shock at the sight before him. "Dad!" Kendall took one step off the sidewalk and just as he did an 18 wheeler slammed into his dad's car. Kendall watched in horror as his father's car tumbled across the street, flipping over several times before landing upside down.

"**DADDY**!" Kendall bolted over to his father's car, struggling to pull open his door. "Dad, **please** be ok!" he pleaded through the glass, tears streaking down his cheeks. Even upside down Kendall say his father's head falter and it dropped down so his chin was resting on his neck. "No, **no**! Dad please! **Please wake up**!" Kendall pounded on the glass window repeatedly until he felt someone wrap their arms around his waist and pull him back. "No my dad's in there!" he screamed, struggling against the person's grasp. EMTs pulled off the car door and pulled his dad out of the car. He was bleeding profusely and laying limp in their arms. "Dad? Daddy?" Kendall's eyes widened when he got no response and the tears came faster. "**DADDY**!" he sobbed. "**NO**!" he struggled to run over to his dad but whoever was holding him back wouldn't let go. "Daddy **please**! I'm **sorry**! **I'm sorry daddy**!"

****

. . .

Kendall's eyes snapped open and he immediately started to cry. He gently eased his hand out of James's grasp and ran a shaky finger through his hair. Tears blurring his vision, Kendall hastily wiped at his eyes and looked over to see James fast asleep, his chest heaving ever so slightly. Sniffling softly he opened the glove compartments, searching for something- anything- to relieve his pain. Finally, after finding nothing that could come to use of him, he pulled the keys out of the ignition and without a second thought, drug the sharp metal across his wrist, breaking the skin, and all his hurt started to pour out.

****

. . .

****

A/N: sorry that I've been taking so long to update, I've had some things going on in my life but it's all good-ish now I guess. Review?


	9. Chapter Eight

****

A/N: so I'm wayyyy less angst-y than I was for the last chapter lol but the closer the boys get to Minnesota the more drama there's gonna be. Right now they're in Wyoming and they only have to go through one more state until they're there. This chapter is gonna be more KendallAngst and then the JamesAngst (my personal fave :D) will start up, so just sit back and relax cuz we've got some ways to go (:

Chapter Eight

A couple of hours later the sun was up and so was Kendall. Even though he really didn't get back to sleep to begin with. But in the few hours he was awake he managed to make six cuts on his wrist, clean off the key, put on a hoodie that wasn't soaked with his blood and cry until he felt literally dried up of all his tears. He never hated anything more than this time of year, and he wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone, not even his worse enemies.

But there was a plus side to all of this; whenever Kendall managed to push the thoughts of his father out of his mind his thoughts traveled to the sleeping brunette next to him. He thought of the way his chest rose and fell just slightly, the way he looked so relaxed…so peaceful with his eyes closed. The way his lips were parted ever so slightly, practically begging Kendall to place his own over top of them. So he did.

"Morning." James mumbled against Kendall's lips.

"Morning." Kendall said, his voice soft. He was proud of himself for being able to sound normal despite the pain bubbling in the pit of his stomach. "You sleep ok?"

"Just fine. You?"

"Good." Kendall lied.

"Well that's good." James smiled so happily that it made Kendall's heart clench with guilt. He hated lying to James.

"Yeah… so are we gonna keep driving today or do you wanna get a hotel room?"

"Well since I know you could use some cheering up today, how about we get a room?" James suggested.

Kendall forced a smile. Why did James have to remember, and why did he have to bring it up? "Sounds good to me." he said.

He was getting better and better at lying and it was starting to scare him.

****

. . .

__

"What are you looking at?"

Kendall hastily wiped his eyes free of all tears and sat up in his bed. The fifteen year old managed a small smile at his nine year old sister who was standing in his doorway.

"Just a picture." he said softly, holding up the frame so Katie could see it. The small girl's eyes were clouded with hurt upon seeing her late father and mother at their wedding confined in the wooden frame. "C'mere." Kendall patted the side of his bed but Katie opted for his lap instead.

"How old was I when daddy died?" she asked.

"Five." Kendall replied, not taking his eyes off of the photograph.  
"How old were you?"  
"Twelve."

Katie sighed and rested her head on Kendall's shoulder. "You look like him." she said softly.  
"…ks." Kendall tried to utter out a proper thank you but the words were getting stuck in his throat. There was a moment of silence between the siblings.

"Kendall, what would you say if I knew daddy could hear you?" Katie asked.

Kendall bit his lip, willing the tears not to fall. "I'd say… I love you… god, I miss you… and I'm sorry."

****

. . .

Upon James's request they got a one bedroom room at the hotel they decided to stay at, which Kendall had absolutely no complaints about. Whatever got him to stop thinking about his dad the better. So you would think that spending the night in the same bed at James Diamond wouldn't put much on your mind except him, right? Kendall was wrong. Which was why- after James was sound asleep in the middle of the night- the blonde boy found himself positioned in the bathroom above the sink, droplets of his blood staining the white porcelain counter. He was so wrapped up in his own thoughts he didn't realize that the bathroom door opened.

"What are you doing?"

Kendall jumped and stared at James, his eyes wide like a deer caught in the headlights.

****

. . .

__

"Kendall you can't do this anymore." James whimpered, tears sliding down his cheeks.

"But I miss him so much." Kendall sobbed. "And- and this helps. It makes the hurt go away."

"But it hurts me." James insisted. He looked down at Kendall's arm and felt his stomach clench.

"How?" Kendall asked.

"I don't like seeing you hurt yourself." the brunette replied not taking his eyes off of the various cuts going up and down Kendall's arm. "Please just promise me you'll stop. I'll help you I promise, I'll be there whenever it hurts too much. Just please stop."

Kendall sniffled and took a deep shaky breath. "Ok." he whispered. "I promise Jamie. "I'll stop."

****

A/N: omg I listed to so many sad songs while typing this chapter lol (: I hope they paid off. Music will forever be my muse -heart- Thoughts?


	10. Chapter Nine

****

A/N: sooooooo sorry for the delay. it's the end of the marking period so Im like swamped with tests :p boo! Lol but im back! (: hope you all like this chapter! :D

You know that feeling when something bad happens and it's like your heart is pounding in your stomach? James knew exactly what that feeling was only this time, his heart wasn't pounding; it was _throbbing_.

"What are you doing?" he asked again, albeit much softer than he was before. He couldn't take his eyes off of Kendall's arm, which was laying on the edge of the sink, blood dripping out of the cuts on his wrist.

"I, uh, banged my wrist on the, uh, thing." Kendall stuttered out pathetically. _He's lying._ James thought, his heart clenching painfully. Kendall _never_ lied to him. They were best friends, lovers, brothers- whatever you wanted to call them, they were close and they always promised to never lie to each other.

Wordlessly, James took a step forward but Kendall took a flinching step back. "J-James, it's nothing, I-I'm fine!"

"You're fine huh?" James's face suddenly clouded with anger and Kendall could swear his heart skipped a beat. "Then give me the razor your hiding behind your back." the brunette hissed at him.

Kendall paled. "Wh-what are you talking about?"

"You know what I'm talking about Kendall." James roughly grabbed Kendall's arm- the one that wasn't bleeding- and wrestled the razor out of his grasp. "What's this? You promised me you would stop hurting yourself." James felt the tears welling up in his eyes but he didn't dare let them fall; he was too angry at the moment.

"James, please understand. I-"

"Just save it Kendall." James spat. "I don't even want to talk to you right now." he turned to leave but Kendall grabbed his shoulder.

"Jamie, please-"

"I said I don't want to talk Kendall." James stomped over to the bed and threw himself back in it, laying on his side. His back was to Kendall. The blonde boy bit his lip and sat down next to James. "I'm sorry James." he whispered in a broken voice, but James didn't say anything in response. "Jamie, c'mon, talk to me."

James took a deep breath. "Goodnight Kendall."

****

. . .

__

James pushed open Kendall's bedroom door and cautiously walked inside. "Kendall?" he received a small sniffle in reply and James crossed the room to sit on Kendall's bed. Without a word he pulled the blonde boy into a hug and Kendall collapsed into James's arms, crying softly.

"I miss him s-s-so much James!" Kendall literally cried. "It was the worst thing I've ever seen in my whole life!"

"What happened Kenny?" James asked softly, rubbing Kendall's back comfortingly. Kendall sniffled and pulled away from James, wiping his eyes.

"We were driving home from the game and I was mad at him and - oh my God, I'm so stupid James!" tears were sliding down Kendall's cheeks at an incredibly fast rate. "We were arguing- well I was arguing with him- and I just got out of the car and left him there to d-d-die!"

"You didn't leave him there to die Kendall." James said firmly. "You didn't know what was going to happen."

"But if I would've stayed-"

"Then you would've died too. And I wouldn't be able to deal with that. Neither would Katie or your mom or Logan or Carlos."

Kendall sniffled. "I guess." he said softly. "But anyway, I just turned around and I saw him. I saw the car flip over and-"

"You saw it?" James's eyes widened. Kendall nodded remorsefully and James gave him another hug. "I'm so sorry." he whispered. Kendall sniffled again and nodded, pulling away from James.

"They found this… after the EMTS took him to the hospital." Kendall pulled a golden pocket watch out of his pocket and handed it to James, who held it as if he was dealing with a snowflake. Carefully, James ran his fingernail along the side and popped it open, revealing two pictures on the inside. On one half was a picture of Kendall and Kaite; the other, a picture of Mr. and Mrs. Knight at their wedding. Feeling tears start to well up in his eyes, James shut the watch and handed it back to Kendall. "I just can't believe, he was there and now he's not." Kendall said quietly, wiping his eyes again.

"He's still here with you. He's watching down on you everyday." James said equally as quiet.

Kendall nodded again and then glanced down. "C-can you do me a favor?"

"Anything."

Kendall raised his head, his eyes swimming with more tears. "Will you stay with me tonight?"

James smiled softly. "Of course." Kendall smiled back in return and the two boys laid down in Kendall's twin sized bed, James's arms wrapped protectively around Kendall. The only sound between them was Kendall sniffling and crying softly for a while, but after a few moments James started singing softly in Kendall's ear. "And I need you now tonight. And I need you more than ever. And if you'll only hold me tight we'll be holding on forever. And we'll only be making it right cause we'll never be wrong. Together we can take it to the end of the line. Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time. I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark. We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks. I really need you tonight. Forever's gonna start tonight."

Kendall smiled softly and he drifted off into a peaceful sleep.

****

. . .

It was safe to say that neither boy got a wink of sleep the reset of the night. The two boys laid in bed until the sun rose. As soon as there was light, James jumped out of bed and started packing their bags, ready to leave as soon as he thought Kendall was awake. The blonde, however, laid in the bed, watching James's back with tears in his eyes. He knew he hurt James; he always hurt James. Why was he so stupid? Why wasn't he the guy James thought he was- smart, caring, sensitive. Truth be told, Kendall was the opposite of all of that and it boggled his mind how James couldn't see that.

But now wasn't the time for self deprivation. Now, he had to talk to James. He had to make sure he wasn't mad at him anymore.

"Jamie?" the brunette boy in question froze upon hearing his name. "C-can we talk?"

James exhaled through his nose sharply. "About what?" he asked.

Kendall resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "Last night. I'm really sorry about what you saw and that I hurt you like that." Kendall's voice started off strong but his voice was lowering to a whisper by the end of his sentence.

James still hadn't turned around at this point. There was a complete minute of silence and right when Kendall was about to speak again, James said, "Let's just start driving."

Kendall's heart sank. "James please-"

"I'm serious Kendall, we've gotta get back on the road." James threw one of the hockey duffels over his shoulder. "We can talk later."

Kendall sighed and forced himself out of bed. He quickly threw on a pair of shoes and grabbed the other hockey duffel. Without another word the two boys left the hotel room.

****

. . .

__

"Kendall? C'mon man, we're gonna be late for school…" James's voice trailed off upon walking into Kendall's bedroom. He gasped a little and his eyes widened in shock. "Oh my god." he breathed.

The room was wrecked. Sheets, blankets, and pillowcases had been thrown off the bed. Pillows were being tossed around. Dresser drawers had been ripped open, nearly coming out of the dresser, and everything inside was scattered about or thrown on the floor. The closet had been smashed open, as if Kendall had thrown his body against it. Clothes were all over the floor. The lamp was laying on its side, the bulb cracked. And in the middle of this hectic mess, Kendall was sobbing hysterically, throwing every article of clothing out of his hamper and over his shoulder. After the hamper was empty another sob tore at Kendall's throat and he tossed his mattress off of the metal bars that held it up, and it nearly hit James as it was being shoved out of the door.

"Kendall! What's wrong?" James rushed inside and threw his arms around Kendall's stomach, trying to get him to stay still. He didn't put up much a fight and James was able to lower him to the floor.

"I-I can't find it. I was only trying to find it. Why-why isn't it here?" Kendall sobbed.

"Find what?" James asked, using his sleeve to wipe Kendall's tears away.

"My dad's watch!" Kendall cried. "I-I was changing for school and I realized it wasn't around my neck, and-and I don't know where it is!"

"Ok, ok, just calm down." James told him. "Do you remember the last time you had it?"

Kendall shook his head and then jumped up to his feet again. "I have to find it Jamie. I **need** to find it!" Kendall resumed his earlier position of throwing everything in his room around. James got to his feet and backed up cautiously.

"Ok let's just take a minute and think." he told his distressed friend. "What did you do yesterday?"

Kendall paused for a moment, running his fingers through his hair. "I-I just stayed home all day except for when me and my mom drove to the store."

A light bulb went off in James's mind. "The car!" he cried. "Maybe it's in there!"

Without a second thought Kendall bolted out of his room, James hot on his heels. As it turned out, James was right and the pocket watch was sitting in the front seat of Kendall's mom's car. Upon finding it, Kendall held it to his chest, never wanting to part with it again. "I'm sorry about back there." he muttered to James.

"It's ok." James managed a weak smile and mused Kendall's hair. "It was loud and scary but it's ok. I know you were upset."

Kendall looked up and smiled at James. "Thanks for being there Jamie."

****

. . .

Silent car rides were so irritating. Kendall and James both hated them but at the same time there wasn't anything they could do about them. Neither boy knew what to say to the other. But they drove out of Wyoming and into South Dakota in total silence. The awkwardness just kept on building up as the boys pulled into a rest stop.

"James we have to talk." Kendall insisted as the car pulled to a stop.

"Then talk." James said, not taking his eyes off of the steering wheel.

Kendall sighed and started talking fast. "I get it, it hurts you when I cut myself. But what you don't get is that it helps me. When I cut, it just makes me forget about everything and it makes it all easier to deal with. I know it's totally wrong and I should stop but it's just so hard to sometimes. And I don't do it all the time, really I don't. Just around this time- the time he died- and sometimes when it's just so hard to deal." Kendall paused to take a breath. "This all probably sounds so stupid to you but-"

"It doesn't." James interrupted. "I-I get it Kendall. I get what you're saying. I get that it hurts but… but I don't get why you have o keep it all bottled up and I don't get why you force yourself to do stuff like this."

Kendall sighed. "I don't have an answer for that Jamie." he whispered. "I'm sorry."

"I get that too." James cracked a weak smile and with that smile Kendall knew everything was slowly turning ok again. "But you have to stop." James said, nothing but seriousness in his voice. "_Please_ stop it Kendall. I-I can't just sit back and watch you hurt yourself."

"It's harder than you think James." Kendall said. "I mean, at least you still have your dad." James winced slightly. Suddenly the air in the car felt too thick to swallow. "At least your dad's alive."

"Wanna trade?" James asked almost immediately and he pushed the car door open. He needed air. Kendall stared at him with wide eyes and followed him out of the car.

"What did you just say?" he asked quietly.

James bit his lip, knowing he messed up. "Nothing, just forget it."

"How do you expect me to forget that?" Kendall demanded.

"It was a mistake." James insisted.

"But I still don't see how you could wish that your own father is dead! Do you not know how lucky you are James?" the blonde's angry rant continued.

"Not as lucky as you clearly think I am Kendall." James said.

Kendall stared at him, disbelief all over face. "Ok, what are you talking about James?" he exclaimed.

"I said it was nothing!" James growled through gritted teeth. "So drop it!"

Kendall rolled his eyes. "Whatever."

"What's your problem dude?"

"My problem?" Kendall's eyes went round. "Clearly, I'm not the one with a problem! You are!"

"Me?"

"You're the one who wants your dad dead!" Kendall screeched.

"Well you would want your dad dead if _he_ wanted _you_ dead!" James spat back angrily.

"Your dad didn't want you dead James! That's crazy talk!" Kendall shouted.

"Then maybe you can explain to me why he fucking beat me for three years straight!" James yelled at him and all was quiet. James's eyes went wide and he took a couple of step back away from Kendall.

"What did you say?" the blonde whispered almost inaudibly.

"I think you heard me pretty clearly." James whispered in reply. Kendall swallowed thickly, trying to think of something to say, but James beat him to the punch. "Let's just drive. We've only got a few hours until it gets dark."

****

A/N: well this wasn't as fight-y as I had pictured it in my mind but it was still good. And I love when James sings to Kendall -heart- the song he sung was "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler. (:


	11. Chapter Ten

****

A/N: JamesAngst is the chocolate chips on my Kames cookie (: ps: this chapter has mentions of sexual abuse.

Chapter Ten

__

"Kendall I don't think I should be talking to you right now." James twisted the phone cord around his index finger until it turned blue and then unraveled it.

"Is something wrong?" Kendall's voice ran through the receiver of James's house phone and he felt his stomach flutter lovingly at Kendall's concern.

"My dad and I just got into a fight tonight." James said. He picked up the cordless phone that was resting on the counter and hung up the phone he was previously on. "I got him pretty mad." James walked down the hall and into the bathroom.

"Oh wow, is everything ok?"

'No' James wanted to say as he looked into the bathroom mirror, a bruised and beaten face staring at him in return. "Yeah. Everything's fine."

****

. . .

The two boys hadn't spoken to each other after their- for lack of better term- conversation at the rest stop. Their silence was extended to them checking into a hotel in South Dakota; a two bed room. Almost immediately, James dropped down on one of the beds and fell asleep. But Kendall was wide awake; too wired to sleep. James was abused? Kendall couldn't wrap his mind around that single thought. Sure he knew ever since his parents separated James and his dad didn't get along amazingly; hell, they didn't even get along before all of that. But still, James's dad would never hit his own son… would he? James wouldn't dare lie about something like that so he knew it had to be true. But it still didn't make sense. How did James manage to keep this secret for three whole years? Why didn't Kendall know about it?

After a while, his thoughts were becoming a little too unbearable and Kendall needed answers. Before his conscious could catch up with him Kendall crossed the room to James's bed, where the brunette boy still laid there sleeping.

With shaky hands, Kendall lifted up James's shirt. Normally, seeing James shirtless would turn Kendall on in ways he couldn't explain but now he was noticing what he hadn't seen before. Faded bruises were all over the boy's chest. Kendall reached out and gingerly touched one, causing the sleeping boy to cringe slightly and Kendall drew his hand back sharply. He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. What else was James hiding from him? And then it clicked in his mind… the way James hated being pinned down, the mysterious bruises…

****

. . .

__

James was sitting at the lunch table, the hood of his oversized sweatshirt pulled up over his head and covering his eyes. He poked at his salad with his fork a few times before deeming it uneatable and pushing it aside. His stomach was clenching painfully and he knew that anything that went in was bound to come back up. He never felt so horrible before; so dirty, so scared, so used…

"Hey James." Kendall took a seat next to him and James immediately tensed up. 'It's just Kendall, relax' he told himself. 'He won't hurt you' "What's up?" Kendall asked and James shrugged, words beyond him at the moment. "Hey, are you ok? You look kind of weird." Kendall pushed his hoodie down and James flinched away.

"I just don't feel so hot." James said, clenching his fists to control his shaky hands.

"Are you sick?" Kendall placed a hand on James's forehead and the brunette boy flinched away again.

"I'm fine, just stop touching me!" James snapped and picked up his bag, leaving the cafeteria and a confused Kendall behind him.

****

. . .

Someone hurt his James, but who?

Something inside of Kendall told him that he needed keep checking James for more bruises. He knew flipping him over to look at his back would probably wake him up so his only other option was to check his legs, which would require him to remove the taller boy's pants.

Sucking in a sharp breath, Kendall undid the button on James's black jeans and pulled the zipper down. His dick twitched with interest as he pulled down the other boy's trousers, leaving him laying there in just his boxer briefs. For a brief moment, Kendall thought about just minding his own business and leaving James alone, but he knew that it was going to eat at him until he went insane if he didn't investigate any further. So he pushed all those sexual thoughts out of his mind, despite his cock chubbing up underneath his own jeans, and examined the broken boy. Seeing the nasty faded bruises and scars around James's abs and waist actually did make his penis eventually go flaccid again as well as breaking his heart. Cautiously, Kendall gently pushed James so he was laying in his side and he saw a faded hand shaped bruise pressed into his hips. He placed him down and saw the same thing on his other side. Gingerly, Kendall placed his hand on the bruises. It looked like pressure marks, like someone had been forcing him down…

James stirred in his sleep and Kendall jumped back like he was on fire. A moment later James's eyes snapped open and looked up at Kendall, then down to notice his pants were bunched up around his knees. "Wh-what are you doing?" he asked, his voice sounding childish and fearful, instead of angry like Kendall had braced himself for.

"It's not what you think Jamie." Kendall started to explain as James pulled his jeans up and jumped off the bed. "I was just worried about you after you told me about your dad and then I saw the bruises on your chest and stuff and I thought there were more and then I saw those marks on your hips, and I just…" Kendall paused to take a breath. "I was just wondering what happened to you."

"Nothing." James said quickly.

"James, that didn't look like nothing." Kendall insisted.

"Well it is!" James snapped.

"James-"

"Just mind your own business for once Kendall." James growled and turned to leave the room. Kendall ran after him, catching the bathroom door just as it was about to slam shut.

"James, just tell me what happened." he said, struggling to push open the door.

"Nothing happened!" James insisted, using all his strength to shut the door.

"You're a little liar because nothing doesn't make pressure marks on your hips like that!" Kendall emphasized his point by shoving the door as hard as he could open. James stumbled back somewhat but managed to keep his balance as Kendall walked inside. "So talk." he said.

"There's nothing to talk about!" James said, moving to walk past him but Kendall gripped his forearm.

"There _is_! Now _tell me_!"

"No, it's nothing." James insisted, but his voice was growing weaker and weaker as Kendall's grew louder and more demanding.

"You're lying!" Kendall pushed James up against the bathroom wall, his hands pinning the brunette boy's shoulders down tightly. Ever since this road trip had started James was being more secretive and it was driving Kendall crazy. Just how much did he not know about his best friend? "Tell me James!"

"No!" tears were stinging at his eyes like the night when Kendall had pinned him down to the hotel bed. It was that feeling when James didn't want to cry but he couldn't help to because he was scared. "Kendall please just let it go."

"I'm not gonna let it go James." Kendall insisted, pressing his shoulders down tighter. "Now damn it James, just tell me!"

"Stop yelling at me!" James whimpered.

Kendall took a breath, calming himself down upon seeing James so distressed, and forced himself to lower his voice. "James, please just tell me what happened, I-I want to help you." James bit his lip but it didn't do much to suppress the sob building up in his throat. Kendall let go of his shoulders and pulled James into a hug. The brunette gave into Kendall's touch and buried his head in the crook on his neck, his tears soaking through Kendall's shirt. "Shh, it's ok." the blonde murmured to him, slowly lowering the two of them down to the ground so they were sitting.

"He hurt me Kenny." James sobbed softly.

"Your dad?" Kendall asked. James replied by only sobbing harder and squeezing Kendall tighter. His chest was heaving as he tried to catch his breath, the memories making it harder and harder to breath; the memories of being pinned down, forced down, hurt, bruised, broken… "Jamie, how come you never told me?" Kendall asked, bringing James back to reality.

James sniffled, his face still pressed against Kendall's shoulder. "I-I just wanted to f-forget. I didn't want to talk about it, and I didn't want you to know."

"Why not?"

"C-cuz I didn't- I didn't want you to think I was… dirty, or it was my fault-"

"James I would never think that about you." Kendall placed his hands on James's shoulders, forcing him to look into the blonde's watery eyes.

"You wouldn't?" James asked in a broken voice.

"Of course not baby." Kendall reassured him and James sniffled, wrapping his arms around Kendall, hugging him tightly and crying into his shoulder. "It's ok, just let it all out."

"It hurt so bad Kenny!" James sobbed. "And- and I told him to stop but he wouldn't!"

"It's ok Jamie." Kendall squeezed James tightly and rested his head atop of James's, letting his own tears fall. "He's never gonna hurt you again. No one's gonna hurt you again."

James pulled away from Kendall and wiped his eyes. "Y-you promise?"

Kendall placed a gentle kiss on James's forehead. "I promise."

****

. . .

A/N: why does this feel longer than it really is :p i guess it's probably because i started like half of this when i first started the story and then i just finished it this weekend. so it's safe to say a lot of hard work went into this chapter and i hope you all like it :D


	12. Chapter Eleven

****

A/N: mucho thanks to btrloverkaf for giving me the idea to put Carlos and Logan in this chapter :D you know you all missed them haha and as much as I love JamesAngst the last chapter like broke my heart into a million trillion pieces so while it's being repaired, enjoy some smutty Kames action (; you've been warnedddddd…

Chapter Eleven

James was laying on his side when he woke up, Kendall's arms wrapped protectively around his waist. He exhaled deeply, the events of last night rushing back to his mind, and rolled over so he was facing Kendall. Upon moving, Kendall woke up.

"Hey." he said softly.

"Hey." James said, completely aware of the fact his voice held no emotion to it.

Kendall noticed too and his eyebrows knit together. "How you feeling?" he rubbed his hand along James's shoulder, as if he were cold.

James just shrugged and sighed. "I don't want to think about it anymore." he whispered.

"Think about what?"

"Last night, my dad, you hurting yourself…" James trailed off and Kendall wrapped his arms around him tighter, hugging him. "I just want to forget." James mumbled.

"I know baby. So do I." Kendall replied. James just sighed and nodded before letting go of Kendall and flopping back down onto the bed. Kendall bit his lip; he hated seeing James so upset, especially when he didn't know what to do to make him smile again. Kendall would do anything to see that smile. "Will a ten dollar chocolate bar from the mini fridge make you happy?" Kendall tried with a weak smile.

James let out a breathy chuckle and gave a small smile. "Sure." he said.

"Kay." Kendall placed a kiss on James's forehead and got out of bed. James rolled over in the bed and reached down for his bag, rummaging through it for his lucky comb. His hand brushed against something cold and kind of metal-y and he pulled it out to see what it was. It was just a plain lighter, nothing special; but when he looked in his bag and saw what else was resting at the bottom, a small smile grew on his face and he rolled over, laying on his back again.

Kendall walked back into the room to see James was laying on his back, a small lighter in his hands. "What are you doing?"

"I have an idea." James said. He swung his feet over the edge of the bed so he was sitting upright.

"Which is…?"

"You want to forget, I want to forget." James flicked the lighter one more time and the flame flickered in his hand. Kendall flinched just slightly upon seeing the fire in James's hand. In his free hand he had a rolled up piece of paper. "Let's forget"

****

. . .

Back in Los Angeles, Carlos and Logan were enjoying the time off given to them by Gustavo until Kendall and James returned from their road trip. Currently, Logan was reading one of his many doctor books and Carlos was skating around the living room. (it should be obvious at this point that Mrs. Knight isn't home.)

"Logan, should I be worried?" Carlos asked suddenly, bringing Logan out of his thoughts on clogged arteries.

"About what?" Logan asked, not looking up from his book.

"Kendall and James." Carlos replied as he did yet another lap around the couch. "I mean, their road trip is taking a really long time."

Logan smirked. "They probably got lost a few times… and they probably lost track of time fooling around all the time." that comment caused Carlos to trip over an object of unknown certainty and land on the floor. His legs dangled in the air, the wheel of the skate still spinning. Logan laughed. "Oh come on. Obviously they like each other. And the other day when Kendall called me, there was all this moaning in the background. I think they were, like, doing it." Logan blushed faintly at that. Carlos pushed himself up and resumed skating.

"That's so weird." he mused. "I mean, after everything that happened in Minnesota I didn't think James would give Kendall the time of day again. I mean, Kendall made him cry and everything."

"Well you know what they say… if you love someone set them free. And if they really love you, they'll come back."

Carlos smirked deviously and plopped himself down next to Logan on the couch. "Is that what you did with me?" he inquired and Logan's face went beet red.

"I- I, uh- wh-what?" the flustered boy exclaimed.

Carlos's smirk grew. "C'mon Logie, I know that you've always had a little crush on me." the Latino's hands idly intertwined with Logan's, causing the raven haired boy to blush even more if possible. "And if you'd admit to it, I'd tell you that I've always had a little crush on you." Logan was looking like a tomato at this point and Carlos just smiled at him. "You're so cute." he muttered and leaned forward, kissing Logan on the lips. Logan smiled into the kiss and opened his mouth slightly, allowing Carlos's tongue to explore the caverns of his mouth. Needing air, the two boys pulled away from each other, panting slightly. Logan smiled even wider and allowed himself to wrap his arms around Carlos's waist, hugging the Latino tightly. "I love you Carlos." he muttered.

"I love you too Logie."

Feeling a sudden coldness, Logan sat upright and snapped from his dream to find his face, shirt, and part of the couch soaking wet. "What the…?"

Carlos laughed. "And I thought the water trick only worked on TV." he tossed the now empty water bottle over his shoulder.

"Carlos!" Logan exclaimed.

"Well you were sleeping for, like, ever and I got bored!" Carlos pouted. "It's our day off and I wanna do something. Let's do something!"

Logan smiled, knowing it was impossible to stay mad at Carlos and stood up. "Ok, ok we'll do something."

"Yay!" Carlos threw his arms around Logan's waist, hugging him tightly. Logan felt himself blush but returned the hug.

"Uh, I'm kinda wet Carlos." Logan said.

"Yeah… I don't mind though." Carlos replied and Logan felt his heart swell up with happiness. His alone time with Carlos was becoming more and more enjoyable.

"I hope Kendall and James take their good ol' time on this road trip." Logan heard himself say.

"Yeah, same here." Carlos replied with a small chuckle, pulling away from Logan. The slightly taller boy ruffled the Latino's hair and went into their shared room to change his shirt so he could 'do something' with Carlos.

****

. . .

"I feel funny." Kendall stated.

James smirked and chuckled lightly. "You'll get used to it."

"How do you know?" Kendall inquired.

"Guitar Dude." James chuckled. "Me and him used to smoke sometimes in the park like late at night." James chucked again. "Trust me, the weirdness will pass."

"Will the hunger pass?" Kendall asked, rubbing his growling stomach. "I'm starving."

"That doesn't usually pass." James replied. He picked up a bag of potato chip and tossed them at Kendall. "Just eat until your full."

Kendall wasted no time tearing open the bag and devouring the chips inside. James smirked at Kendall; his greasy lips just looked so inviting…James wanted to attack the blonde boy and let him know he was his. Kendall noticed James staring and raised an eyebrow. "Can I help you?"

"Maybe you can." James replied, moving closer to Kendall. "You know how being high makes you feel weird?" Kendall nodded. "Well it just happens to make me feel very horny."

Kendall's cheeks tinted at James's words but he whispered, "Maybe I _can _help you."

James smirked. "Come here. We're gonna play a little game."

Kendall crawled over to James, smiling. "I like games."

James chucked lightly. "Good." he said. "Ok, lay down." Kendall nodded and laid down on his back and James took a hit from the join the was previously rolled and moved forward on his knees until he was hovering over his blonde companion. James pressed his lips down into his and used his pointer finger to gently pry his mouth slightly open before exhaling the smoke into Kendall's mouth. The blonde's eyes shot open wide and he went stiff, but he inhaled anyway. James sat back up and handed Kendall the joint. The blonde complied by gripping the front of James's shirt and pushing him back so he was laying down this time. He exhaled and James breathed in.

"I like this game." Kendall said, laying atop him, smiling brightly.

"Me too." James whispered in reply. The two of them laid there on the hotel floor, their hands slowly intertwining together and their chests heaving in and out in unison. Slowly, James lifted his neck up and pressed his lips against Kendall's. His eyes fluttered closed and he sighed into the kiss, tangling his fingers in James's brown locks. When they pulled away, Kendall rested her forehead on James's and the blonde boy licked his lips.

"Still feelin' horny?" Kendall asked with a teasing smirk.

"Yeah." James admitted with a laugh and then turned his head to the side so Kendall couldn't see his bright red cheeks.

The blonde put his hands on either side of Kendall's face and turned his head so he was looking at him again. "Let's see if there's anything I can do about that." he said huskily. Then suddenly Kendall pounced on James, covering his lips with his own. Without missing a beat, Kendall robbed James of his shirt and gently bit at the brunette boy's bottom lip. His lips still working skillfully against James's, Kendall slid his hands along James's toned abs, earning a moan from the boy in question. Kendall smirked and popped open the button James's jeans, pulling them down, along with his boxers.

"_Nghhhh_ don't stop Kendall." James half whined, half moaned.

Kendall released James's lips, admiring the slight swollenness he had done to them. "As you wish." he purred seductively and then moved his lips down to James's rock hard cock, closing his lips over the tip, sucking and licking as James groaned and moaned out the blonde's name.

"_Ohhhhhh, _so close Kendall." James panted, feeling himself nearing an orgasm. Kendall sped up just slightly, effectively pushing James over the edge. Kendall swallowed firmly when James's seed filled up in his mouth and the brunette boy pushed his sweaty brown locks off of his equally sweaty forehead, coming down from his high.

"You know…" Kendall climbed back up onto the bed and laid next to James. "I think we should smoke together more often."

James chuckled and playfully shoved Kendall. "I couldn't agree more."

****

. . .

****

A/N: I got the idea for the smoking bit (when they were breathing the smoke into each other's mouths) from ShadowLev's story For Your Entertainment. I loved reading that in her story and I thought it fit in well in this chapter. So now while Kendall and James continue fooling around, you all can review! Please? :D also, I know that the Cargan was pretty random; I didn't intend on making it a romantic moment between the two of them but when I started typing something took over and made me make them all couple-y. So I hope you guys didn't mind that bit of randomness. But if u didn't like it just let me know (:


	13. Chapter Twelve

****

A/N: the beginning of this chapter has an M rated scene in it and it deals with sexual abuse. If you're uncomfortable reading about that just skip over it. Also this chapter has some JamesAngst, some KendallAngst, and some KamesFluff… yeah, I just did it all haha.

Chapter Twelve

__

James was sitting on the floor inside the hall closet, his knees drawn up to his chest and silent tears sliding down his cheeks. He bit his lip to repress the sob building up in his throat when he heard the footsteps just outside of the closet. 'Don't find me, don't find me…'

The closet door swung open.

'Shit'

"Well, well, well, what do we have here?" Mr. Diamond said, a sadistic smile making its way onto his face. He reached down and grabbed James by his hair, pulling him up to his feet.

"I'm sorry." James sobbed. "I'm sorry, just please, please don't hurt me."

"You have to learn your lesson somehow Jamie boy." Mr. Diamond said.

"No, no, I learned it." James insisted.

His father grabbed a hold of his forearm and started to drag him down the hallway. "I don't think you have James."

"No, no, don't, please don't!" tears welled up in James's eyes and he desperately clawed at the wall, in hopes it would stop his dad from pulling him into his bedroom. "Please, please, **please** don't do this!" Mr. Diamond replied by wrapping his arms around James's waist and throwing him over his shoulder. "**NO**!" James shrieked, thrashing around.

Mr. Diamond- unfortunately- succeeded in bringing James into his bedroom and threw him onto the bed. Almost immediately, James sat up but Mr. Diamond pushed him back down, holding him down by his shoulders.

"No…no please, daddy, don't." James begged through his tears.

"Shhh." Mr. Diamond placed his forefinger on James's lips and the boy repressed a sob. His father moved his finger down to the waste line of James's pants and started to tug them down.

James shook his head rapidly back and forth. "No, no, no, please." His father ignored him and proceeded to pull his boxers down and sensually rub up and down his shaft. James started to struggle away. "Daddy, please, I'm begging you, please stop." tears came down at a faster pace, and James was still trembling in fear.

"Don't worry, Jamie I'll make this nice for you." his father's large hands were placed on his hips and James was flipped over. James could feel his father leaning over top of him, a certain part of his anatomy pressing against James's backside, and Mr. Diamond grabbed at James's wrists, effectively tying them to the headboard of the bed. James heard his father's pants drop to the floor and he let out a loud sob. Mr. Diamond leaned back and took his penis out of his pants, smiling at his hard on. "See what you do to me Jamie boy, it's like a curse." he said and lined up his penis at James's backside. James didn't even bother telling him to stop; he wouldn't listen anyway.

****

. . .

James's body shot up in bed and a loud scream tore at his throat. Kendall shot up so quickly he tumbled out of bed. Almost immediately, he jumped back into the bed. James's back was pressed up against the headboard, his knees up to his chest and his hands holding his head as he sobbed loudly. Kendall crawled over to him and placed his hands on his shoulders. "Jamie, Jamie, it's ok. You're ok." he tried soothing him.

But his words went unheard as James started to push Kendall away, tears streaming down his cheeks. "No, no, please stop, _please_!"

"James, listen to me- it's me, Kendall." Kendall raised his voice just slightly to make sure he was being heard. "It's just you and me in here. Everything's ok, I promise you." James let out a small whimper but he held still despite the tremors going throughout his body. Kendall smiled ever so slightly and mused James's sweaty hair. "Yeah, that's it, just calm down. It's ok. It's all ok."

It took ten minutes of hugging him, kissing his forehead, and constant whispering in his ear, telling him he was ok, before James calmed down again.

"I'm sorry." James croaked out. "I'm so sorry."

"You don't have anything to be sorry over Jamie." Kendall said, placing a kiss on the top of his head. "You just had a bad dream, it's alright."

"It wasn't just a dream though." James said quietly, pressing his head against the blonde's chest. "It-it was stuff that happened…to me. Stuff he did to me."

Kendall's arms instinctively wrapped tighter about James. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to Jamie." Kendall whispered to him. "But just know that you don't have to worry about him anymore Jamie. "He's not going to hurt you anymore; nobody's going to hurt you as long as I'm around."

"Pr-promise?" James asked; his was voice quiet and broken.

"I promise." Kendall said truthfully. "And I'm never, ever going to hurt you James."

James smiled slightly and hugged Kendall. "Thank you." he uttered quietly.

"Anytime Jamie boy." Kendall said. He glanced over at the clock and sighed. "It's like four in the morning. I don't think we're gonna be getting back on the road tomorrow."

James bit his lip again. "S-sorry." he whispered.

"It's not your fault." Kendall said again. "We can spare another day in South Dakota."

"Ok." James said quietly and the brunette boy went silent.

"Really Jamie, it's no big deal." Kendall hugged him a bit tighter and felt himself smile when he felt James melt into his touch.

"Yeah, I know it's just…" James sighed. "I thought smoking and everything would make me forget about my dad… but it didn't. And I'm kind of afraid to go back to sleep, c-cuz I don't want to have anymore nightmares."

"Awh Jamie." Kendall kissed the brunette's head again. "Don't worry, I'll hold you. You'll be safe with me."

James smiled widely and placed a sweet kiss on Kendall's lips. Kendall smiled in return and gently laid him and James down back on the bed, pulling the blanket up to cover the two of them. "I love you Kenny." James whispered, snuggling under the blankets and against Kendall's body.

"I love you too Jamie."

****

. . .

"It's just me." Kendall said walking into the bathroom the next day; or afternoon to be more specific. "I need to brush my teeth."

"Kay." James said over the shower's spray. He stuck his head out from behind the shower curtain. "Where are you going?"

"I figure since we're gonna spend most of the day in I should get us some lunch." Kendall said, spitting toothpaste into the sink. He reached for a towel that was resting on the side f the sink and wiped his mouth. "Anything in particular you want?"

"I don't care." James shrugged. "Whatever you want."

"Whatever I want?" Kendall smirked and spun around. "What if I want to shower with my boyfriend?"

"Uh how about no." James laughed and pulled the shower curtain shut tighter.

"Awh c'mon Jamie." Kendall walked over to the shower curtain and gave it a teasing tug.

"No!" James squealed, his face heating up.

"Why not?" Kendall laughed.

"Because I'm naked!" James said as if it were obvious, a shy smile on his beet red face.

"I don't mind." Kendall replied, raising his eyebrows suggestively.

"I do. I look awkward naked." James said.

"James, I've seen you naked a bunch of times before." Kendall pointed out.

"Yeah and I looked awkward then too." James insisted.

"You looked amazing." Kendall protested. "You always look amazing." James blushed some more and glanced downward. "And I am a dirty, dirty boy so-"

"Go get lunch Knight." James interrupted him with a laugh.

"Fine." Kendall rolled his eyes, but leaned in to give James a kiss on the lips. "But you owe me."

"Yes, I owe you." James chuckled. He shut the curtain after Kendall left the bathroom and chuckled to himself, thinking about how Kendall was so, so, so cute, even when he was really horny.

****

. . .

__

"You're mom's gonna freak when she sees the rug." James laughed as he and Kendall rushed into the Knight bathroom.

"I told her not to get white rugs with two kids running loose anyway." Kendall laughed in reply and then reached over to turn on the sink water.

"We're gonna need more than sink water to clean us up." James commented, looking over his muddy body.

"Point taken." Kendall said, then shut off the sink tap. "You know, I'm starting to think that having a mud fight wasn't the best idea we've had."

"It wasn't the worst one though." James pointed out. "And I did have fun."

"So did I." Kendall agreed. He glanced over at the shower, then back at James. "S-so um," he chucked embarrassedly. "Do you want to shower first or we could, uh…"

"We could what?" James asked, a teasing smile on his face.

"Wechouldshowertogether." Kendall said in a rush, his face, which was dinged with dirt, turning beet red.

James's face heated up an obvious amount before chuckling nervously himself. "Uh, if you want to."

"I do." Kendall said quickly, then started tot blush some more. "I-I mean, if it's ok with you. Cuz if it is then I want to."

"It's ok with me." James mumbled, not meeting Kendall's gaze.

"Oh-kay." Kendall's voice cracked slightly and he walked over to turn on the shower water while James started to take off his shirt. When Kendall deemed the water warm enough, he pulled off his own shirt.

"Uh, maybe we should keep our boxers on." James muttered, blushing and looked downward again.

"That's cool with me." Kendall said then proceeded to pull off his jeans. James hesitated slightly but eventually followed Kendall's lead. "After you." Kendall motioned to the shower and James blushingly stepped inside. Kendall smiled upon James's red face and reached for a washcloth. "C'mere." he muttered, running the washcloth under the shower's spray. James took a nervous step forward and Kendall started wiping the mud from the brunette boy's face. James blushed even more, smiling shyly at the blonde boy. "You're so cute when you're embarrassed." Kendall muttered with a smirk.

"Thanks." James said, then took the washcloth from Kendall to clean off the blonde's face. Now it was Kendall's turn to blush and smile shyly, which James thought was the cutest sight he's ever seen. After the boys were both thoroughly cleaned, Kendall pulled the showerhead out of its slot and held it over James's head, fully soaking the boy. A small scowl crossed James's face as he spit out the water that had fallen into his gaping mouth and muttered a sarcastic, "Thanks."

"Anytime cutie." Kendall winked.

****

. . .

James got out of the shower, dried off and dressed himself before exiting the bathroom and walking around the hotel room, searching for something to occupy his time until Kendall got back. He roamed around their bedroom, looking at really nothing in particular until something reflecting the sunlight caught his eye.

Kendall's dad's pocket watch. James wasn't surprised he brought it with him; that watch went almost everywhere. Carefully James picked it up and opened it again, examining the picture inside. He smiled upon seeing twelve-year-old Kendall; he looked positively adorable with his awkward haircut and huge dimple-y smile. He looked even cuter with his arms wrapped around Katie's small six-year-old frame. The small girl's smile matched her big brother's almost perfectly. James's gaze traveled over to the other half of the watch, where Mr. and Mrs. Knight stood embracing each other at their wedding. James then realized that Kendall was almost the splitting image of his father, and concluded that when he grew up, he was going to be very handsome.

Shutting the watch, James reached for the gold chain that was clasped to it but it slipped from his fingers and fell to the floor, bouncing off of the heating vent attached to the carpet. The watch made an audible 'ping' sound upon hitting the metal and to James's horror, the hinge holding the watch together broke.

"No, no, no, no, no." James chanted, dropping to his knees and picking up the watch. He tried to put the hinge back together but the two halves wouldn't connect anymore. "Oh my God." James moaned, picking the pieces up and setting them on back on the counter. The taller boy ran his fingers through his hair, gripping it at the roots. Just thinking about how mad Kendall will be when he realizes what he did… James doesn't even want to think about it. That's how bad he knows it'll be.

James could hear his heart pounding in his ears and his hands were shaking with every breath he took. He was sweating bullets and the only thought that he could process at the time was 'RUN' but his legs felt like they were filled with led. The last time he felt this way was when he lived with his dad and he had done something to piss him off. James felt exactly this way when his father was about to beat him.

"Hey James." Kendall said casually walking into their bedroom, his eyes focused on the white plastic bag in his hands not noticing how James flinched violently upon his arrival. "I picked you up a magazine." when Kendall finally looked up at James he immediately felt concerned for him. "Hey, what's the matter?"

James swallowed silently and started wringing his hands together, one of his nervous habits. "D-don't be mad please." he said quietly, a line he often used on his father when he was mad at him.

Kendall raised his eyebrow. "Why would I be mad at you?" he asked.

Biting his lip and avoiding the blonde's questioning gaze upon him, he took a couple of steps to the side, revealing the dresser to Kendall and, confused, the blonde walked towards it. James's didn't have to look up to see Kendall's eyes widened in shock as he nearly collapsed on the ground, picking up the pocket watch as if it were his own baby sister laying dead before him.

"Kendall, I'm really, really, really-" James's apology was cut short when Kendall roughly grabbed James's arm, spinning him around so he was facing him and then grasped him by the front of his shirt.

"What did you do?" he demanded, his voice and low with angry. James's hazel eyes were wide with fear as he tried to stutter out an answer.

"I- I- I didn't mean to." the boy choked out. He whimpered when Kendall shook him roughly.

"You didn't mean to? James, what the hell were you thinking?" Kendall yelled at him and James flinched back.

"I'm sorry." he gasped out. "I'm sorry." Kendall breathed heavily, murder in his eyes, tightening his grip on James's shirt, ignoring the boy shrinking under his touch and trembling violently. "I'm sorry, please don't hurt me." James whimpered softly.

Kendall exhaled through his nose before pushing James away from him. The boy stumbled backwards, trying to keep his balance. "Just get the hell away from me right now." Kendall said through his teeth. James didn't hesitate to run from the bedroom and lock himself in the bathroom.

Kendall growled in anger and picked up the pocket watch, angry tears sliding down his reddened cheeks. His dad's watch was broken- not beyond repair obviously but it was still broken. For the past four years, Kendall hadn't even gotten a scratch on it! And James broke it in less than a minute. Kendall put the pieces of the watch carefully in his duffle bag and dropped down onto the bed, wiping his face with the back of his hand. He couldn't believe James broke his dad's watch. Granted, Kendall knew he would never do it on purpose but still he broke it. But Kendall's mindset switched from James breaking the watch to the look on James's face when Kendall freaked out on him.

Kendall groaned, dropping down onto the bed, laying on his side. He screwed up massively, he hurt James. With a sniffle, Kendall got out of bed and walked over to the bathroom door. He pressed his ear up against the door; he could hear James quietly crying on the other side of the white paint and it broke his heart. Quietly, he knocked on the door. "Jamie? I'm really sorry. Can we talk?"

He heard James sniffle and shift in movement. After a moment, the door creaked open and James's puffy, teary eyed face stuck out slightly. "I'm sorry." he said softly, his voice cracking. "I really didn't mean to, it was an accident, I-"

"James, I know." Kendall said gently. "Look, if anyone should be sorry it's me. I shouldn't have blown up at you like that."

"It's ok." James muttered.

"No it's not Jamie. I was an ass and I screwed up and I'm sorry."

James sniffled and wiped his eyes. "It's ok."

Kendall managed a small smile and extended his hand to James. "We still didn't eat lunch you know… I'll take you out, if you don't mind?" James bit his lip but after a minute of silence, he nodded and took Kendall's hand.

****

. . .

At a local restaurant, Kendall and James's lunch date was quiet and awkward. Kendall knew James was still nervous being around him, especially after what happened in the apartment earlier, and all his conversation attempts failed. By the time the waiter was delivering their check Kendall felt more than discouraged. He had to figure out a way to get James's forgiveness back. With roaming eyes, the blonde spotted a grand piano sitting in the corner of the restaurant, no one sitting at it.

And that's when it hit him.

"Jamie, I'm gonna go to the bathroom." Kendall told him. "I'll be right back."

"Ok," James said looking up, catching the devious smile on Kendall's face.

And that's how he knew the blonde was up to something. So naturally, he didn't take his eyes off of Kendall after he left the table. James watched curiously as Kendall jumped up on top of the grand piano. The restaurant went silent almost immediately. "Everybody, my name is Kendall Knight and I'm an idiot." the crowd chuckled humorously and Kendall smiled lightly. "During the past few days I've realized two things. One, that I've totally fallen for that guy sitting over there," he pointed to James and everybody in the room when 'awh!' while James's cheeks tinted a deep red color. "And two, I'm really an idiot. But I really hope that this makes up for that." Kendall cleared his throat and jumped down from the piano. He took a seat at the bench and started to play while singing softly.

"The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting. Could it be that we have been this way before? I know you don't think that I am trying. I know you're wearing thin down to the core.

"But hold your breath because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you over again, don't make me change my mind. Or I wont live to see another day, I swear it's true, Because a boy like you is impossible to find. You're impossible to find.

"This is not what I intended. I always swore to you I'd never fall apart. You always thought that I was stronger. I may have failed but I have loved you from the start.

"Oh but hold your breath because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you over again, don't make me change my mind. Or I wont live to see another day, I swear it's true, Because a boy like you is impossible to find. You're impossible.

"So breathe in so deep. Breathe me in, I'm yours to keep. And hold onto your words cause talk is cheap. And remember me tonight when your asleep.

"Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you over again, don't make me change my mind. Or I wont live to see another day, I swear it's true, Because a boy like you is impossible to find.

"Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you over again, don't make me change my mind. Or I wont live to see another day, I swear it's true, Because a boy like you is impossible to find. You're impossible to find."

The restaurant goers all applauded and Kendall turned to James, a pleading look in his eyes. James simply smiled and jumped up onto his table. "Everybody, my name is James Diamond." he said. "And I'm in love with an idiot named Kendall Knight."

****

A/N: incase you haven't figured it out, I LOVE it when the boys sing to one another -swoon- the song Kendall sung was 'Fall For You' by Secondhand Serenade :D -heart- and yay for long chapters again! omg this was 7 pages in Word! Im so stoked right now! :D :D


	14. Chapter Thirteen

****

A/N: so going back and rereading this I realize that I make Kendall such an ass a lot lol sorry all you Kendall lovers out there but in my mind, James is the sensitive one in their relationship and Kendall's well… the guy lol. But I'm just digressing right now (: but anyway, since my grades have -ahem- declined recently my delightful stepfather has taken it upon himself to only let me use my laptop on weekends to make more "study time". So I can only write in my notebook during the week and update this story every weekend until I can use my laptop whenever again. Sigh. It sucks but what can you do? Anyway, sorry for the lack of upcoming updates :p but enjoy! (:

Chapter Thirteen

"James!" Kendall groaned in slight exasperation. "Will you please stop jumping on the bed and help me finish packing?"

James, who was bouncing happily from bed to bed, flopped down onto his butt and then leaped up to Kendall. The blonde took a surprised step backwards. "Kenny when we get to Minnesota can we go ice skating?" he asked, bouncing up and down on his toes.

"Sure." Kendall said slowly.

"And can we build a snowman?"

"If there's snow."

"OOH! And can we play hockey, and go to the park, and-"

"Wow that extra large ice cream sundae was a bad idea." Kendall cut him off.

"Can we get ice cream in Minnesota too?" James asked, running past Kendall to jump on the bed again.

"We can do all those things and more if we actually get to Minnesota!" Kendall said with a laugh. "Jeeze, when did you turn into Carlos?" he muttered under his breath.

"We should get more ice cream." James said, ignoring what he had said about packing. "Only this time, with SPRINKLES!"

"Yeah, because that's necessary." Kendall rolled his eyes and walked over to the bed, grabbing at James's hyperactive body, causing him to cease his jumping and sit still on the bed. Well as still as he could be; the ice cream had made him quite twitchy. "Just calm down and put your underwear in a suitcase." Kendall told him, holding onto his shoulders so he would remain seated.

James groaned and dropped his head forward, so it was resting on Kendall's shoulder. "Packing is soooooo much work!" he complained. "Can't we just, like, leave it here and buy new stuff?"

"No Jamie, we can't." Kendall said and the brunette boy groaned again. "James, can I ask you something?" Kendall asked, somewhat hesitantly as he mused James's hair.

"Sure." James backed up from Kendall and started jumping again, causing the blonde to roll his eyes. "What did you wanna ask me?" James asked.

"Are you, um, nervous at all… about going to Minnesota?" Kendall asked, his hands twitching nervously.

"Why would I be nervous?" James asked.

"…Cuz of your dad." Kendall muttered. James stopped bouncing immediately and stared at Kendall a moment. His smile was completely gone from his face and that worried Kendall. "Babe, I didn't mean to upset you." Kendall said as James sat down on the bed. "I-I was just wondering, cuz if you were worried or anything, I would be there for you." James didn't say anything, he just stared blankly at Kendall. "James…"

"We're not going." James said simply.

"James, of course we're going." Kendall said slowly.

"No, I don't wanna go anymore." James insisted.

Kendall sighed and took a step forward, placing his hands on James's shoulders. "James, nothing bad is going to happen to you in Minnesota, I promise you." he told him. "I'm gonna make sure nobody hurts you."

"I'm scared." James admitted, lowering his head, embarrassed.

Kendall put one hand on James's chin and gently raised his head. "I know you're scared baby, but it'll be ok."

"But what if he finds us?" James asked, tears blurring his vision.

"Then I'll kick his ass." Kendall said. James managed a weak smile and wiped his teary eyes. "So, you gonna be ok?" the blonde asked him.

"I- I think so." James muttered. Kendall smiled and placed a kiss atop James's head. The brunette boy wrapped his arms around Kendall's waist, pulling him in a tight hug. "I love you." he murmured into Kendall's chest.

"I love you too Jamie." Kendall replied. "Now…" he pushed James away from him gently. "Finish packing your dang bags!" James rolled his eyes, but smiled and nodded.

****

. . .

__

Kendall absolutely loathed history class. There was too much memorization and it was boring as anything. But one thing made the class more tolerable; James. The brunette boy sat a few seats ahead of him, writing in his notebook, glancing up periodically to copy more notes. Kendall couldn't help but to find how cute he was when he worked.

_A soft whisper shook Kendall out of his thoughts and he turned his head to the side as Logan, who sat next to him, tossed a folded up piece of paper onto his desk. Curiously, Kendall unfolded it and read when Logan had written. If you keep checking James out you're gonna fail history. Kendall's cheeks burned with embarrassment and he turned his head to glare at Logan. The raven-haired boy simply smirked and nodded towards the paper, letting Kendall know there was more to read. Just tell James you love him already._

_Kendall sighed and pulled out a pen and quickly scribbled a reply. Looking up to make sure the teacher wasn't looking, he tossed the paper back on Logan's desk. Logan unfolded the paper and sighed when he read what Kendall had written back; Hell no. Quickly, Logan wrote a reply and tossed the note back to Kendall._

_Why not? You've liked him for a LONG time._

_Yeah but I had my chance to do something and I didn't so I can't do anything about it now._

_You can be honest with him. You never know what could happen._

_What do you mean?_

_Maybe he likes you back._

_I doubt that… he loves his stupid boyfriend._

_Logan sighed, practically feeling Kendall's hatred rays radiating off of his body. For the past month and a half, James had been in a relationship with a guy from school. Well technically, the relationship only lasted a month before the guy cheated on James. They had recently gotten back together because James was way too forgiving. But Logan knew the only reason James was still going out with that jerk was because he didn't think Kendall would ever date him. Logan shook his head and glanced over at Kendall, whose head was now resting on his desk before writing a reply back to the blonde. He doesn't love him, he's just infatuated with him. He can't be in love with him after he cheated on him and broke his heart… I can't believe he gave him a second chance._

_UGH me either! James can be so stupid sometimes! Kendall had written him._

__

Yeah but that's why you love him.

_Logan heard Kendall sigh heavily and watched as he hesitated to write something back. After a few moments he gave the paper back to Logan. The shorted boy could see that Kendall had scribbled out I don't love him and had written You're right instead._

_AWH! Logan was smiling so wide you would think Kendall had asked him out._

_Shut up!_

_Logan chuckled, loving how embarrassed he was making Kendall feel right now. I'm sorry but that's so cute! YOU HAVE TO TELL HIM! Logan underlined 'have' several times before giving the note back to Kendall._

_What part of HELL NO don't you understand? Kendall angrily threw the note back at Logan. It had landed in his lap and Logan picked it up, rolling his eyes at what Kendall had written, then wrote a reply of his own._

_The 'no' part because I know that deep down you really want to tell him._

__

Kendall sighed and ran his fingers through his blonde hair. He cast another glance at James and then started to write. Ok here's the deal; I really, really, really like James but he's taken and I would never forgive myself if I was the reason why they broke up because that would hurt him too much and that's the last thing I ever want to do.

_Logan smiled sadly and wrote back. You're so sweet Kendall. James would be so lucky to be with you._

_If only he knew that..._

__

He uh.. kind of does...

_Kendall's eyes widened and he turned his head to glare at Logan. What do you mean?_

_Well I sort of let it slip to him that you like him..._

_WHY!_

_Please don't be mad! He needed to know. You guys have been friends for a long time and he really likes you as much as you like him but he's too stupid to realize that you like him and that's why he's still with that jerk face._

_And what happened?_

_He still didn't believe me =P I think he's in denial about it._

_Well that's just great. Thanks Logan._

_I'm sorry._

_I know, and I'm not mad at you, I'm just annoyed._

_With what?_

_I'm annoyed that he's with some jerk who doesn't even care bout him…he probably doesn't care that he's been secretly obsessed with Twilight since the first book came out… he doesn't care that his favorite drink hot chocolate w/ French vanilla… he doesn't care that her favorite thing in the world is singing and he has the voice of an angel… he just doesn't care_

_Logan's heart melted a little after reading that. And you do? he asked in writing._

__

Of course. Kendall wrote back immediately.

_Logan glanced up at the clock and noticed that class was soon coming to an end. You're a good guy Kendall._

_I'm just not good enough I guess. Kendall replied and as the bell rang he threw the paper onto Logan's desk and left class without waiting for James. Logan sighed and folded the note in half. He thought about throwing it out but then an idea came to mind. "Hey James! I gotta show you something!"_

**. . .**

"Hey sleeping beauty." James yawned and rubbed his eyes before rolling over in his seat so his back was to Kendall. "C'mon Jamie boy wakey-wakey."

"No." James mumbled, scrunching himself up in a little ball.

"But we're here." Kendall had said, still shaking him.

James groaned softly and rubbed his eyes, sitting up straight. "We're here?" he asked.

"Yup." Kendall grinned. "Welcome to Minnesota."

****

. . .

A/N: yes folks we are in Minnesota! Can you say finally? lol (: also sorry if the conversation in the flashback got confusing :p thoughts, reviews? I wanna hear it all (:


	15. Chapter Fourteen

****

A/N: OVER 100 REVIEWS = MIND FREAKIN BLOWN! Thank you all so much :D

A/N2: This chapter has an M rated scene in it. Read at your own risk.

Chapter Fourteen

__

"Ok, explain this to be again." Mr. Diamond said.

James took a deep breath, wringing his hands nervously. "Uh, this music producer wants to take me and my friends out to LA and record some demos and, uh, stuff." his eyes were downcast, not meeting his father's gaze.

"So you just expect me to let you fly out to LA?" Mr. Diamond asked.

"W-well I was h-hoping." James stuttered. "A-and Mrs. Knight's gonna be coming with us. And-"

"What makes you think I should even let you leave?" his dad interrupted.

James swallowed thickly. "C-cuz it could be a chance for me to make s-something of myself?" it was a statement, but it came out sounding like a question, his voice fading more and more.

"You think you're gonna be anything?" Mr. Diamond demanded as he stood up. James backed up until his back was flat against the white paint of the door, his chest heaving up and down. "You are

James swallowed thickly. "That's not true." he said softly.

"You keep thinking that boy." Mr. Diamond grabbed his bangs and slammed his head against the door. James winced in pain. "And just remember this: I will find you Jamie boy. You're mine."

nothing_, don't you understand that? You're nothing and you'll always be nothing. Even if you go to California with those three other fags, you will be nothing."_****

. . .

James forgot how beautiful Minnesota actually was. For the past year and a half he spent in California he didn't think any other place could compare to the sun and palm trees, but being back in Minnesota reminded him how… pretty everything looked. Even at night, everything was lit up like they were in the city. It was almost surreal.

"You ok over there?" Kendall asked, glancing over at him as he continued to drive down the pretty much empty street.

"Yeah, I'm fine." James lied. He was anything but fine at this moment. All he could think about was how somewhere in this state, his dad was here. God forbid they ran into each other.

"Are you sure?" Kendall asked, noticing how his boyfriend just shuddered.

"Yeah, just tired I guess." James said softly, not meeting Kendall's gaze.

"You wanna crash at a motel?"

"Sure."

"Ok." Kendall reached over to truffle James's hair but the brunette boy flinched away. Kendall eyed him warily and James bit his lip.

"S-sorry." he mumbled.

"Ok seriously, what's up James?" Kendall asked.

James sighed. "It's nothing really." he insisted.

"James…"

The brunette boy groaned. "Ok fine! It's my dad. I'm afraid that we're going to run into him or something."

Kendall ran his hands across James's shoulder blades. "Baby, I told you nothing's going to happen to you. I'll protect you."

"Yeah well that's easy to say when we're in South Dakota and not the home of a abusive rapist." James said, crossing his arms across his chest and squirming uncomfortably in his seat.

"But you don't have to worry James." Kendall insisted. "I love you and I'm not going to let anything happen to you."

"I know that Kendall but… you don't understand how terrified I am at just the thought of seeing him. And what if he tries to hurt you too? I wouldn't be able to live with myself if you got hurt because of me."

Kendall sighed and pulled the car off to the side of the road. "James," he turned his body so he was facing him. "You have to trust me when I say that it's going to be ok. I won't let him hurt you again, I promise." he reached over and grabbed James's hands, giving them a slight squeeze. "I know you're scared but I'm gonna be here by your side the entire time we're in Minnesota. And if you ever feel like leaving then we can leave no questions asked. But while we are here, I'll protect you." Kendall smiled lightly at him. "Do you trust me?"

James took a deep breath and drew it out slowly. "Yes, Kendall. I trust you." he whispered.

****

. . .

__

It was late at night by the time James was trying to sneak into his house. He shouldn't have let Kendall convince him to stay later so they could watch more movie but he was weak when it came to his blonde crush so he had ended up staying. And now it was almost eleven o'clock at night- two hours past his curfew and if he got caught… James didn't even want to think about what would happen if his dad found him right now. His dad could be unpredictable at times and James never knew what his punishment would be whenever he made him mad. Turning around, James gently guided the door shut until the lock clicked into place. James winced at the sound, hoping he was going unheard, and he spun around to rush up to his bedroom. He had barely taken two steps when he collided with his fathers 6-foot frame.

His breath caught in his throat and his eyes went wide. "You're laaaaaaaate." Mr. Diamond sang, his breath reeking with alcohol. James barely has any time to stutter out an apology before his dad grabs him by the base of his neck and throws him roughly to the floor. The teen awkwardly sprawls out onto the ground and turns around to face his father. The sadistic man, grasps his son by the hair with one hand, preventing him from moving, and uses the other to pull down the zipper of his pants. "Suck it." he commands, pulling out his erection.

James's eyes widened in shock and fear and he shook his head back and forth. Mr. Diamond grasped his hair tighter, pulling at the roots and James winced in pain. "I said…" Mr. Diamond reached over to the end table by the door and picked up a pocket knife that was resting on top of it. "Suck my dick." he placed the cold blade against James's neck and the panicked boy nods slightly.

Tears streamed down his face as his father forced his erection past his lips and deep into his mouth. He coughed and gagged but the man did not ease up. James had no idea what he was doing so he just let his father thrust himself inside of his mouth. He tried to ignore the blinding pain in his jaw, throat, head, and heart as shame bubbled in the pit of his stomach. He closed his eyes, letting more tears fall and he tried to block out his father's sick moans of pleasure.

When James felt a hot, salty liquid enter his mouth, he knew he couldn't do this anymore. He tore his head away and spit out the new intrusion in his mouth, gagging and sputtering, trying to get the taste of his father's seed out of his mouth.

He hears a chuckle and James forced himself to his feet. Before he can even consider running away, his felt his father's rough, calloused hands grabbing the collar of his shirt. "Let me go please." James begged through his tears. "Please."

"But if I do that James, you'll never learn your lesson." Mr. Diamond threw him to the floor once more and put his foot on his back, preventing him from moving. "Bad boys need to be taught a lesson they won't forget. Then they won't be bad anymore."

James opened his mouth to protest but a choked sob came out instead. He can feel his father kneeling behind him and fear builds up inside of him in ways he can't explain. Suddenly his mouth is restricted by a piece of duct tape and his jeans are being pulled down until they're bunched around his ankles. James's sobs and protests are unheard through the duct tape. He sobs harder as he feels his father's penis line up with a certain part of his anatomy and he's thrusting so hard into him, James thinks he's going to die. He doesn't just hurt- it fucking burns. He can't keep track of how long it lasts but when it's finally over, James peels the duct tape off of his mouth and promptly throws up in the kitchen trashcan. He had no idea a person could feel so dirty, and he had no idea a parent could be so cruel.

****

. . .

It was a little after two in the morning when Kendall was awoken by a strange noise in his bedroom. Rolling over in his bed, he glanced at the digital clock sitting on his beside. _'So much for my eight hours'_ he thought sourly. Sighing, Kendall pushed himself up in his bed and rubbed his eyes. He heard the noise again and he froze momentarily. It sounded like…crying? But that couldn't be; the only other person in the room with him was James. Kendall turned his head to look at his roommate.

Sure enough, James was curled up in a tight ball by the headboard of his bed, his body shaking with sobs. "Jamie?" Kendall moved closer to James and wrapped his arms around him, hugging him tightly. "Jamie, what's wrong?"

James whimpered in response, uttering words like "no" and "please don't", and resisted him momentarily, but Kendall just held onto him tightly, his arms hugging his trembling shoulders.

"It's ok Jamie, it's ok." he whispered in his ear. The taller boy's face was pressed into his chest, his tears soaking his shirt. The two remained in that same position until James's tears finally stopped.

"I'm sorry I woke you up." James said timidly, looking down at his fidgeting hands in his lap.

"It's no big deal." Kendall replied. He brushed James's bangs away from his downcast eyes before asking quietly, "Did you have another nightmare about your dad?" James bit his lip and shrugged. With a small sigh, Kendall gently placed his on James's chin and forced him to look up at him. "I have an idea to cheer you up." he said with a small smile.

"What?" James asked.

Kendall's smile widened. "Come with me."

****

. . .

"Kendall, where are we? And why is it so cold?" Kendall was holding his hand, leading him to who knows where seeing as Kendall had tied a bandana around his face, preventing him from seeing where they were going.

"You ask a lot of questions." Kendall stated. Even though he couldn't see James knew Kendall was wearing his trademark smirk.

"Well you don't answer many." James replied. "But seriously Kenny where are we?"

"We are here." Kendall stopped the two of them and untied James's bandana. The brunette boy looked around and felt his face twist into a smile. They were at the ice rink.

"You wanna go ice skating at three in the morning?" James asked in disbelief, the smile never leaving his face.

"Yup." Kendall thrust a pair of skates into his hands.

"You're certifiable." James said.

"And you need to be reminded why you should be happy about being in Minnesota." Kendall countered, lacing up his skates and then wasting no time getting out on the ice.

"How did you even get us in here?" James called to him.

"I have my ways." Kendall said mysteriously skating around in a circle.

James got out in the ice. "You're crazy, you know that right." he said, gliding over to him.

"But that's why you love me." Kendall replied, looping his arms around James's waist. The brunette boy smiled and placed a kiss on his boyfriend's lips before snatching his beanie off and skating away, the blonde hot on his heels.

****

A/N: I'm soooooooo sorry that I took so long to upload this ): I'm a nub! But I hope you all enjoyed this!


	16. Chapter Fifteen

****

A/N: so my weekend got extended a two extra days (one because of Presidents day and the other because I missed my bus and didn't go to school) so that means extra laptop time! :D and I was working on this chapter a lot in the past two days so I didn't want to wait until the weekend to upload this (: um what else to say… well I brought the Cargan back :D and there's some pretty interesting flashbacks in this one lol so I hope you all enjoy! :D

Chapter Fifteen

"Maybe we should try and get some sleep." James suggested, tugging at Kendall's beanie, which he was now wearing. "It's almost five in the morning and we've been skating for two hours. I can't feel my ears or my nose anymore!"

Kendall smirked, skating over to him. He placed a kiss on James's nose then moved his mouth to his earlobes, slowly running his tongue across the shell of James's ears. The brunette boy moaned out in pleasure and his eyes drooped shut. "See? Now you know they're still there." Kendall said cheerfully.

James reopened his eyes and smiled lustfully at Kendall. "Well thanks." he chuckled. "But seriously, we need sleep."

Kendall made an approving humming sound and wrapped his arms around James's waist. "I like sleep with you." he mumbled, pressing his lips against James's neck, kissing it lightly.

"Why do I have the feeling you and me are talking about two completely different sleeps?" James said with a short chuckle. He let out a breathy moan when Kendall bit down on his neck gently, and sucked on said spot. The blonde boy pulled away with an audible 'pop' and smiled at his new creation on James's neck.

"You're such a tease." James rolled his eyes.

"Oh, I'm the tease?" Kendall asked, smirking. "I seem to recall a certain fifteen-year-old boy _very_ interested in a certain game he used to play with his boyfriend."

James burst out laughing. "Shut up, I was just curious. I wasn't trying to be a tease!"

"Mhm, sure." Kendall said drawing out the word. James laughed again, shoving him playfully before throwing his arm around Kendall's shoulder as they walked out of the ice rink.

****

. . .

__

"I'm bored." James whined, laying upside down on Kendall's couch. Kendall was sitting on the floor, eating popcorn and reading a magazine.

"Well what do you want to do?" Kendall asked, closing his book and got up to sit next to James, who flipped over and sat upright.

"No idea." he said with a sigh.

"Ok well…let's look online." Kendall suggested. James got out his laptop and turned it on. When it loaded, he got up Google and searched 'what to do when you're home alone and bored'.

A bunch of results came up but one that caught their eye was The Nervous Game. James clicked on the link and they read what it said.

Home alone with your special someone? The nervous game always seems to break the ice…

James started to sweat nervously and his armpits flooded. The nervous game? How could he play that with Kendall? His crush and best friend? He glanced at him and to his surprise- and horror- he was smiling.

"Do you wanna play?" the blonde asked.

James bit his lip. "If you want to." he mumbled.

"Ok, stand up." Kendall instructed. The two of them stood up, facing each other. James was a few inches taller than him but they managed to look each other in the eye.

"You first." they said together and then laughed at the awkwardness. James looked down at his feet. He was so…well, nervous! He never played the nervous game before but he didn't want Kendall to think he was a prude.

"You- you can go first." Kendall insisted. James glanced at him and saw a hint of red in his cheeks. Could Kendall be as nervous as he was? He doubted it, but then why would he be blushing?

"Um alright." James mumbled. "Um, where do I start?"

"My legs I think." Kendall replied.

"Ok, ready for me to nervous you up?" James asked.

Kendall chuckled. "You bet." he said.

"Uh, maybe it'd be easier to play if we were… sitting." James said, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

"Ok." Kendall nodded and they both took a seat. James placed his hand on his knee.

"Are you nervous?" he asked.

"No." he said simply.

James moved his hand up his leg and Kendall didn't get a bit nervous. Then James started reaching… forbidden territory. His hand was nearing his crotch with every second and Kendall couldn't take his eyes off James's hand.

"Are you nervous?" he asked.

Kendall swallowed. "N-no." he said. His voice was shaking.

James smirked. "You're nervous aren't you?" he asked.

"No I'm not. Continue please." Kendall said, but squirmed a little bit. Just ever so slightly.

"If you insist." James shrugged. He placed his hand on his crotch and Kendall felt tingles throughout his whole body. He started to sweat some more. He waited for James to ask him but he just seemed to sit there with his hand on his crotch. He felt so violated! But at the same time… he was enjoying it.

"Do you want an Advil?" James asked.

"That's not the question you ask." Kendall whispered.

"Are you nervous?" James asked.

"Nope."

James moved his hand just upwards slightly so he was still on Kendall's dick

"It feels so big." James muttered.

"Uh…" Kendall bit his lip and stared at James curiously.

"I'm sorry, am I making you nervous?" he asked and started to blush.

"No uh, I'm fine." Kendall stuttered.

"I'm making you nervous." James said. He as surprised; he never thought he'd be the one to make Kendall Knight nervous.

"A little bit." Kendall admitted softly.

"Well then…" James unzipped Kendall's jeans, earning a soft gasp from the boy in question. "Let's just see how nervous you can get." he whispered.

****

. . .

"I cannot believe Mama Knight actually let you buy that!" Logan complained as he and a now very happy Carlos walked back into apartment 2J. Back in LA Carlos and Logan had been bonding more and- eager to try something new with his Logie- Carlos convinced Mrs. Knight to let him buy two Nerf guns. Her only rule was to not get them kicked out of the Palm Woods. And that wasn't too hard… at least Carlos hoped it wouldn't be.

"Calm down Logie. It'll be fun!" the Latino said cheerfully. He tossed one of the guns to Logan, who caught it just in time.

The raven haired boy raised an eyebrow. "Seriously Carlos? We're almost seventeen, what are we gonna do with two Nerf N-Strike Mavericks?"

Carlos stared at him in disbelief. "Are you serious? There's a LOT we can do with these." he paused in thought. "Besides the label says 6 years and up. I'm definitely older than 6."

"That's debatable." Logan muttered, earning a foam dart shot to the side of his head. "OW you… twerp!"

"Get over it punk." Carlos smiled at his and Logan's eight-year-old nicknames for each other. "C'mon, It's just you and me Logie. Don't you like our alone time?"

Logan started to blush. "Of course I liked it Carlos." he said.

"Well then now that we're on the same page… wanna play a game?" Carlos wiggled his eyebrows at him.

"I don't know." Logan shrugged nonchalantly, but his mind was reeling. _Are we flirting? Could this even be considered flirting? Whatever this is, I REALLY like it… _"How can I play if I don't know the rules?"

"No rules Logie, don't you remember?" Carlos stepped forward, closing the gap between them. Their noses were practically touching, and Logan felt his cheeks heat up. It was nice liking someone in your line of vision. "No rules." Carlos whispered, his breath tickling Logan's lips.

"Let the games begin." Logan whispered in response before turning around to run off into the bedrooms. Carlos let out a loud battle cry and took off in his own direction. After resting in their bedroom a minute, Logan peered his head around the corner. He saw Carlos crawling on the floor in the kitchen, safely by the cabinets. Logan chuckled. This boy was easy bait.

But before Logan could even consider firing at Carlos, two bullets soared past his head. "What the-"

"You think too much Logie." Carlos said and jumped atop the kitchen table. "I thought you'd learn by now that this is a game of action, not reaction."

Logan's eyebrows raised, obviously impressed with Carlos's vernacular. But still, he refused to be the loser.

"Is that so?" he asked. "Well then consider this," Logan cocked his gun. "A reaction." and with that he fired all six of his bullets into Carlos's chest and stomach, none of them missing their target. He went to go get more bullets but stopped himself when he saw the Latino boy slump forward and fall off of the table. _Thank God for that helmet_. Logan thought rushing over to him. Loan nudged him with his foot, his gun still raised incase of a retaliation. Carlos coughed once before laying limp on the floor.

With a sigh, Logan knelt down and laid Carlos down properly. He paused but then leaned down to place a kiss on the boy's cheek. "Good night sweet prince."

And before he walked away, he saw Carlos's lips curl into a smile.

****

. . .

__

"It's just not fair!" eight-year-old Carlos whined as he and his best friend Logan walked through Toys R Us. "If Jamie and Kendall can have one why can't I?"

"Because you break more stuff than they do." Logan offered as a reply.

"SO!" Carlos yelled and promptly stomped over to the Nerf gun display. He stood on his tippy-toes and pulled one down.

"I don't blame your daddy for not letting you have one." Logan continued following him. "They're dangerous."

Carlos stared at him blankly. "Dude, it's made by Nerf. Not the CIA. How dangerous could this thing be?" he ran his tiny hands along the side of the gun and accidentally fired a bullet at Logan's foot.

"HEY!" Logan cried, jumping away.

Carlos chuckled and smirked. He raised the gun and pointed it at Logan. "You feeling lucky punk?" he asked and Logan raised an eyebrow. "I heard it in a movie my daddy was watching once." Carlos replied with a sigh. "But anyways… are you?"

Logan was backing up. "Wait a second, this isn't fair, I don't even have a gun!" the short boy protested.

"There's one behind you." Carlos pointed out. Logan spun around and pulled the gun off of the display rack. "So what are the rules?" Logan asked.

"No rules Logie." Carlos replied and shot at Logan again.

"You're such a…twerp!" Logan yelled and fired at Carlos.

That was the last time the two of them went to Toys R Us together for a very long time.

****

. . .

"Remind me again why I'm giving you a piggy back ride at five in the morning." Kendall said as the two boys reentered their hotel room. "And why are you still wearing my beanie?"

"Cuz it looks cute on me." James smirked. "And you're carrying me because I asked and you can't say no to me."

"Ugh, I need to grow a back bone." Kendall moaned.

"If you don't have a back bone what's this hard thing I'm feeling right now?" James teased.

"You mean besides your boner?" Kendall retorted and flipped James off onto the bed. The brunette boy let out a startled cry and rolled over so he was laying on his back. Kendall climbed into bed next to him and laced their fingers together.

"No more nightmares?" he asked softly.

James smiled and placed a kiss on Kendall's nose. "No more nightmares."

****

A/N: so I like really, really love this chapter :D I think it's so cute! hehe. Thoughts?


	17. Chapter Sixteen

****

A/N: I have recently discovered the most EPIC child abuse movies ever (_For The Love of a Child_). It's a Lifetime Original Movie and I love it, even though it's really, really sad. Anyways, it will forever be my AbusedJames muse (: just sayin lol. Oh, and sorry this update took so long! :p

Chapter Sixteen

Kendall's eyes opened and he winced at the harsh sunlight that was pouring through the blinds. He raised a hand to shield his eyes and then rolled over so he was laying on his side.

"Morning sleepy head."

Kendall reopened his eyes and looked around the room until his eyes landed on James. The brunette boy was dressed for the boy, his outfit completed with Kendall's beanie still donned on his head, and he was smiling widely at Kendall.

Kendall yawned before forcing himself into a sitting position. "You sleep good?" he asked, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

"Very good, thanks to you." James smiled and walked over to sit on the bed next to him. Kendall smiled as well and rested his head on James's shoulder. "So, you ready to head out for the day?" James asked.

"Where are we heading?" Kendall asked.

"Don't know." James replied simply. "We'll know when we get there."

"Sounds good to me." Kendall placed a small kiss on James's cheek. "I'm gonna get changed real quick. You sit, stay."

"Kendall, I'm not a dog." James rolled his eyes.

Kendall smirked mischievously. "Then why are you always begging like a bitch?" he asked.

James's jaw dropped lightly, but he was smiling. Kendall simply chuckled and placed another kiss on his boyfriend's cheek.

****

. . .

"Ok, now do you remember this?" James asked, tugging Kendall by his wrist while he ran down the street. He stopped on the sidewalk on Maple Street, just a few blocks from where he lived on Ash Street.

"God, how could I forget?" Kendall asked. "This is where you, me, Carlos, and Logan played those eighth graders in roller hockey and you shot the puck through the windshield of Mr. Rick's car."

"He was so mad!" James laughed. His expression turned somber. "And you all abandoned me to get killed!"

"We didn't abandon you!" Kendall insisted.

"Then what would you call a little blonde fifth grader hauling ass when I hit the old man's car?" James challenged.

"Ok, one- I wasn't little, and two- that wasn't abandonment, Mr. Rick was a scary old man!" Kendall explained.

"Yeah, I know!" James exclaimed with a small laugh. "He spent a good fifteen minutes yelling at me and it scared the life out of me!"

"You were just a sissy." Kendall rolled his eyes.

James gaped at him. "You are so mean to me!"

"I am not." Kendall went to hug him but James stepped away. "Jamie!"

"Not talking to you!" James said, throwing his hands over his ears and started to jog away. Kendall laughed and ran after him. When he caught up to him, he wrapped his arms around James's waist and tackled him to the ground.

"Abuse!" James yelled through his laughter.

Kendall climbed on top of him and covered his mouth with his hands. "EW!" Kendall shrieked. "Don't lick me!"

"Then don't cover my mouth with your hands!" James laughed and rolled over on his stomach, attempting to army crawl away.

"Oh, no you don't!" Kendall smacked James on his ass, halting him immediately.

"The abuse never ends!" James teased him, and burst out into a new fit of laughter.

"All this Minnesota air is making you higher than those drugs you swiped from Guitar Dude." Kendall commented and climbed on top of James's back, resting his chin on the brunette boy's head. "Stay." he commanded.

"I thought we already went through the dog thing Kendall Donald." James said.

"Shut up." Kendall said, pushing James's head down into the grass. James's shoulders shook with laughter. "You know I HATE my middle name."

James's reply was muffled and Kendall couldn't understand it, but something on James's neck caught his eye. It looked like a scar, but it was in the shape of a circle, a little smaller than a penny. Gingerly, Kendall reached down to touch it.

"_Stop it_!" James shrieked and flung Kendall off of him immediately. The blonde's eyes widened in shock at James's outburst, and the brunette scurried away from him, his hand covering the mark that Kendall had just touched.

"I-I'm sorry Jamie." Kendall stuttered out. "I didn't know it hurt." James swallowed thickly and Kendall watched as his chest heaved up and down. "Are you ok?" Kendall asked tenderly.

James let out a shaky sigh and pulled his knees up to his chest. "My dad did that to me." he said quietly. "I got him really mad one day and he, uh… he burned me with his cigarette."

Kendall's eyes widened in shock. "Oh my God, Jamie I'm-"

"It's ok." James smiled lightly at him. "You didn't know." he stood up and extended his arm to Kendall. The blonde stared at it for a moment before taking James's hand and standing up. James didn't let go of his hand and they started to walk again.

"Hey," James said after a moment of silence. "Remember when we saw Nightmare on Elm Street for the first time?"

"God, yes." Kendall rolled his eyes. "Carlos wouldn't go near our Elm Street for almost a month."

James chuckled. "Yeah. I remember you being scared too."

Kendall stared at him in disbelief. "I wasn't scared." he insisted.

"You were almost crying when Logan dared you to go to Elm Street at midnight." James said.

"Why are you picking on me so much today!" Kendall cried and James laughed again.

"Because I love you so much." James said and gave him a one-armed hug.

Kendall smiled contently. "Jamie can I ask you a question?"

"Yeah sure."

"When did you know you were in love with me?"

James paused in thought. "Around the time you and Jo got together." he said softly. "I hated the fact that she could hug you and kiss you whenever she wanted and I couldn't. I hated that you belonged to someone else." James's voice was getting gradually lower and lower as he continued to speak and Kendall was straining to hear him. "That's when I realized that I wanted to be the only one to be with you. That's when I realized I was in love with you."

Kendall smiled and kissed the boy's temple. "You're such a sweetheart Jamie boy." he whispered and threw his arm around James's shoulder.

"Ok, your turn- when did you know you were in love with me?" James asked.

Kendall let out a chuckle. "I don't think I can give you a specific time Jamie." he replied. "I mean, you know that I started liking you when I was thirteen but ever since then, I've just been looking at you differently."

"What do you mean?" James asked.

"Well before then, whenever I looked at you, I just saw my best friend. But not anymore. You're not 'James Diamond, my best friend' any more, you're 'James Diamond, the love of my life', and I don't want that to change."

James smiled and kissed Kendall on the cheek.

"Plus, I think you hitting puberty and turning into a sex god kind of helped out the incaution thing I had going on." Kendall joked.

James chuckled, and playfully shoved Kendall. The blonde boy tripped over his feet and went colliding into an iron fence. He tilted his head up to see what he had crashed into and the smile faded completely from his face. James looked up and froze as well. The two boys read the sign above their heads.

__

Silver Creek Cemetery

James looked over at Kendall, who was wearing an unreadable expression. He nudged his shoulder gently and Kendall looked at him. James simply nodded and Kendall exhaled deeply, nodding in reply. He pushed open the iron gates and walked inside. James laced his fingers in the iron rods of the gate and watched Kendall, a small smile on his face.

Kendall weaved his way through headstones until he was in front of his dad's. He stood there, motionless, just staring at it, memories rushing into his mind one after the other. "Hi daddy." he whispered, his voice cracking. And then, as if the weight of the world finally lifted off of his chest, he burst out sobbing. The blonde lowered himself down to the ground so he was laying next to the grave plot, curled himself into a ball, and wept.

****

. . .

A/N: so sorry for the super sad ending, but I hope you all enjoyed reading this (: BTW, Silver Creek Cemetery and all those street names I used are legit. Silver Creek Cemetery is in Clearbrook in Clearwater County in Minnesota, and I don't know where in Minnesota the boys are from, so I just picked a place at random haha, and it's only a 3 hour drive from Clearwater to Duluth (where they mentioned playing hockey in BTTerror) so it's pretty realistic if you ask me. But um yeah, this wasn't my favorite chapter I've done so tell me what you guys thought.


	18. Chapter Seventeen

****

A/N: so I just got home from a road trip to Baltimore (: and I worked on this chapter on my cell phone, hence the shortness lol. But I hope you like it!

James pressed his forehead against the cool iron bars of the cemetery gate, never taking his eyes off of Kendall, who was still laying on the ground by his dad's grave. It broke his heart to see Kendall so upset right now, but at the same time he knew that Kendall needed it. He needed to let out all of the emotions he had been holding in for so long. If he didn't, then he would hurt himself again, and James couldn't take it if Kendall started to hurt himself again. He loved Kendall and he would do whatever it took to make him happy. Whatever it took.

"Is he going to be ok?" James turned his head to see an older man standing next to him, a bouquet of roses in his hands.

"I hope so." James replied, biting his lip.

"Dealing with a loss is never easy." the old man said. "When Stacy died," he sighed. "it took all my energy just to get out of bed in the morning."

"Was Stacy your wife?" James asked.

The old man pulled his wallet out of his pocket and opened it, revealing a photo of an old woman sitting in a hospital bed. She had tubes and wires hooked up to her, but she still looked happy as could be. "We were together fifty years before the leukemia took her life." he said. "I never loved anyone more than I loved her."

"I'm sorry that she's gone." James said, and he meant it. He couldn't imagine being with Kendall for fifty years, then just loosing him all together.

The old man nodded and put his wallet again. "It happens. But the important thins is how you deal with it. And when you have somebody you love to help you, it makes dealing with it all the more easier." James turned back to look at Kendall, who hadn't moved from his spot on the ground. "Just give him time James." the old man advised. "Kendall could never stay sad whenever he was with you."

James did a double take. "How did you-"

"And while you boys are here, don't go busting any windows in my car." the old man winked at James before walking through the iron gates of the cemetery.

James smiled to himself. "Nice to see you again Mr. Rick." he said softly. He then followed suit and pushed open the gates, walking inside the cemetery and up to Kendall. He knelt down next to him and gently rubbed his back. "C'mon baby, let's go." he muttered softly.

"I can't." Kendall sobbed.

"It's ok, Kenny," James soothed him. "We can come back again, let's just leave now."

Kendall sniffled and forced himself to sit up. James wrapped his arms around his shoulders and rested his chin on one. "My mom gave me the key to our old house so we can stay there." Kendall said, his voice surprisingly steady.

"Let's go then." James stood up and extended his hand to Kendall. "C'mon, we can play house when we get there." James raised his eyebrows suggestively, and smiled widely when Kendall finally smiled at him.

****

. . .

"James, stop that." Kendall put his hands on James's shoulders and steered him away from the window. The two boys had made it back to Kendall's old Minnesota house and James had managed to cheer Kendall up, but paranoia had taken over James after realizing how close he was to his old house. He had spent the past fifteen minutes peeking out of the living room window and hiding behind the curtains whenever something moved outside. "You're gonna make yourself crazy." Kendall continued. "Let's just relax and talk."

"Ok." James sighed and sat down on Kendall's couch with him. "Um… do you wanna hear a secret?" he asked.

"Always." Kendall replied.

"I never used to like singing." James said.

Kendall stared in disbelief. "I find that very hard to believe." he said.

James chuckled. "I only started singing because of my mom." he explained. "She used to sing all of the time, and it used to drive me crazy, but she said I was a good singer too and she loved hearing me sing. So after she let, I would sing all the time because I thought if she heard me, she would come back."

Kendall smiled faintly. "I know what you mean. After my dad died, I would sing all the time because it made me feel closer to him, since he used to play piano all the time."

James nodded and rested his head on Kendall's shoulder. "Sometimes, I wonder if it's even worth it anymore."

"Wonder if what's worth it?" Kendall asked.

"Singing." James said simply. "I mean, if she's heard me by now, she obviously isn't trying to find me, so what's the point?"

"The point is you have a new reason to sing." Kendall said after a moment of silence.

"What?"

"Me. I love your voice and I love hearing you sing." James smiled and snuggled closer to Kendall. "Sing to me James." he said.

"What do I sing?" James asked.

Kendall paused. "Something that makes you think of her." he said after thinking a moment.

James paused in thought. "Can I use your dad's piano?" he asked.

Kendall smiled. "I'd be honored if you graced my dad's piano." he said.

James beamed and got up from the couch, walking over to Kendall's dad's old piano. He sat on the bench and lifted the dusty lid covering the keys. After exhaling a heavy breath, he began to play. Kendall's ears perked up at hearing the song that James was playing. He knew this song. His dad loved this song.

"Something has changed within me." James sang. "Something is not the same. I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game."

Kendall surprised James by taking a seat next to him and singing the next part. "Too late for second-guessing, too late to go back to sleep. It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap!"

"It's time to try defying gravity." the two boys sang together. "I think I'll try defying gravity. Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity and you wont bring me down."

****

. . .

________

__

Eight-year-old James walked into his mom's study where she was playing piano. He pushed his long bangs out of his eyes and leaned against the wall, watching his mother play the pretty song. "What song is that mommy?" James asked, walking inside the room.

Michelle Diamond stopped playing and turned to her son. "A song I just learned. It's from a movie."

"What movie?" James asked.

"It's called Wicked." Michelle replied. "And this song is called Defying Gravity."

"Will you sing it for me?" James climbed up onto his mom's piano bench, and sat next to her.

Michelle smiled. "I'd love to." she resumed playing the song and started to sing to her son. "I'm through accepting limits 'cause someone says they're so. Some things I cannot change but till I try, I'll never know."

****

. . .

__

Eight-year-old Kendall sat on the living room couch, listening to his dad play his piano. Kendall loved listening to his dad play the piano, and he loved hearing his dad sing, even if he did play the song over and over again until he got it right. Recently, his dad had been playing this song from a movie that had just come out and even though it was driving Kendall kind of crazy to hear that music over and over again, he really liked it. Especially when his dad started to sing.

"Too long I've been afraid of, losing love I guess I've lost."

****

. . .

"Well, if that's love," Kendall and James sang together, hearing their respective parent's voices in their heads singing along with them, making them sing stronger than they ever had before. "It comes at much too high a cost.. I'd sooner buy defying gravity. Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity. I think I'll try defying gravity, and you wont bring me down! I'd sooner buy defying gravity. Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity. I think I'll try defying gravity. And never bring me down. Bring me down!"

James ended the song by singing the final notes and ceasing the piano playing. Kendall leaned towards him and placed a kiss on the side of his head.

****

A/N: ok this chapter… eh. Not amazing but I wanted to update something

****

since it's been a while. Sorry it was so lame :p but anyways, since I've gotten into Glee, I've been in love with Kurt and Rachel's version of this song. I think it's soooo great (: And James's mom may or may not come back up again in this story -hint, wink, hint- ;) And if she does pop up, it may or may not be a good thing -cough-. Ok, so that's all for now. Hope you guys liked reading this!


	19. Chapter Eighteen

****

A/N: so this chapter was almost not uploaded because my laptop got a virus ): but thank God my step dad saved him (: so everyone enjoy! And I dedicate this chapter to him even though he doesn't read fan fiction (and I highly doubt he would read mine lol)

Chapter Eighteen

James stepped out of Kendall's shower and wrapped a towel around his waist just as Kendall was pushing open the bathroom door. James let out a yelp and dove back behind the shower curtain.

"Whoa? Where's the fire?" Kendall asked.

"Don't you knock?" James asked in reply. "I mean, I just got out the shower."

"I know." Kendall smirked. "I was hoping I could get a glimpse of what I've been missing for the past few days."

"_No_." James sang, tightening his grip around his towel.

Kendall rolled his eyes. "Why do you get so weird when I try to see you naked outside of us having sex?"

"I told you; I look awkward naked!" James said as if it were obvious.

"But you don't look awkward naked while we're having sex?" Kendall asked, confused.

"Yes, but when we're having sex I'm all caught up in the moment and I don't realize how awkward I look." James explained. "If we're not doing it and I have total conscious recognition of my naked body, you cant see it."

"That's not fair!" Kendall whined.

James stuck his tongue out at Kendall and smirked in reply. The blonde boy glared at his boyfriend a moment before a smile worked its way onto his face. Moving quickly, he jumped behind the shower curtain so he was next to James and reached for his towel. The brunette boy let out another yelp and ran out of the bathroom. Kendall ran after him and grabbed his arm, stopping him in his tracks. James used his free hand to hold onto his towel while Kendall pushed him up against the wall, making sure not to press down to hard so he wouldn't scare him.

"Kendall-" the blonde cut him off with a kiss and he smiled when he felt James melt under his touch. Kendall's hands moved down from James's shoulders to his waist and he gently grabbed the towel. James pulled away from the kiss immediately and wrapped his hands around Kendall's wrists.

The blonde smirked. "Am I making you nervous Jamie?"

James's face formed into a smirk. "If I recall, I was the one who always won this game." he said.

"Well now it's my turn." Kendall declared before scooping James into his arms, bridal style, and taking him upstairs to his former bedroom.

****

. . .

__

James pulled the zipper down of Kendall's jeans slowly, the blonde's eyes drooping shut and his breath quickening. "I like this game." he panted.

James chuckled and popped the button of his jeans. "Me too."

"So… so what are you going to do?" Kendall asked, opening his eyes.

"I, uh, I think I'm supposed to um," James's face reddened deeply. "Give you a…kiss." Kendall blushed when he said that. "Cuz the rules said I'm supposed to kiss wherever I stop." James continued.

"Well then." Kendall's voice cracked and he blushed even more. "If that's what the rules say…"

James smiled and pulled Kendall's jeans down to his ankles. He bit his lip to keep from chuckling at the blonde's quaking knees and gently eased Kendall's boxers off. He felt his face heat up at the sight of Kendall's erection. Clearing his throat awkwardly, he placed a gentle kiss on the tip and Kendall's hips jutted forward.

James let out a breathy chuckle. "Someone's excited." he said. Kendall blushed, even more if that was possible, and bowed his head in embarrassment. "Can I ask a question?" James asked.

"S-sure."

"Would it make you nervous if I did this?" James placed his tongue at Kendall's tip and slowly slid it upwards. Kendall's toes curled under and his breath got caught in his throat. "Or, would it make you nervous if I did this?" James swiveled his tongue around the tip and Kendall moaned out euphorically.

Meanwhile, James was so hard to the point where his lower abdomen started to hurt but he didn't care. He was having too much fun making Kendall nervous.

"Does this make you nervous?" James whispered huskily before taking the plunge forward and taking all of Kendall into his mouth. The blonde became a wriggling, sweating, groaning mess, fisting and un-fisting the couch cushions tightly every time the brunette boy sucked him harder.

"J-James, I'm gonna c-c-cum." he warned, gasping out each word. James nodded and sucked him harder and in no time, he was swallowing Kendall's seed in his mouth. Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, he took a seat on the couch next to Kendall, who was still laying there, trembling.

"Did that make you nervous?" James asked, fighting a smile.

Kendall sighed contently. "Yes." he breathed.

"Does that mean I win?" James chuckled.

Kendall rolled his eyes. "For now." he said.

The brunette boy leaned forward to place a kiss on Kendall's forehead. "Diamond- one. Knight- zero." he whispered.

"For now." Kendall repeated before kissing James on the lips.

****

. . .

Kendall pushed James down onto his bed and straddled him while kissed him passionately, rubbing his hands down James's toned chest and abs. His hands stopped at James's towel once again and James's hips bucked involuntary at the light touches Kendall was placing around his lower stomach. The blonde chuckled and removed the towel completely from James's body. The brunette boy squirmed and quaked with both lust and uncomfortable-ness as he felt Kendall's eyes on his erection. He closed his eyes and his chest rose and fell at a rapid pace when he felt Kendall forcing his shoulders down against the bed, his tongue lapping around James's abs, working their way down to his hardened member. But as soon as demand of Kendall's blow job came, it disappeared and James found himself feeling more and more uncomfortable as the moments passed. It was as if Kendall wasn't the one touching him, but his father instead, and as the simple acts of romance continued, James simply felt violated, dirty, and scared.

The brunette boy whimpered and tried to squirm away, but Kendall mistook his actions as approval to continued and he lathed his tongue across James's penis.

"Kendall stop!" James choked out and the blonde boy immediately backed off.

"Jamie, are you ok?"

James felt tears burning in his eyes. "I wanna get dressed." he whimpered softly.

"Ok." Kendall whispered and climbed off of James. The brunette boy hurriedly left the bedroom and retreated downstairs to get his clothes.

Kendall rubbed the back of his neck, wondering where he had went wrong when moments later James reappeared wearing sweatpants and a hoodie. "James, if I was too rough on you, I'm really sorry." Kendall said as soon as James took a seat on the bed next to him.

James didn't say anything; the feeling of hysteria hadn't completely passed and he still felt like he was about to break down and cry any second. To his humiliation, he raised his knees up to his chest and hugged them tightly. Kendall watched him worriedly and reached over to rub his back between the shoulder blades.

"James, talk to me, what's the matter?" Kendall asked, desperate for an answer so he could help James.

Kendall's innocent touches calmed him down partially but he still felt like he could jump out of his skin. He squirmed anxiously and hugged his knees even tighter. "James, it's me, Kendall. I'm not him and I'm not going to hurt you." Kendall told him.

"I-I know." James whimpered.

Kendall whapped his arm around James's shoulder and hugged the boy tightly. "Jamie, can I ask you something?" Kendall asked. When James nodded, he continued. "Are you scared of me?" Kendall asked in a whisper.

James swallowed thickly and bowed his head. "K-kinda." he admitted softly. "I- I don't want to be but sometimes when you t-touch me, I think of… him… and I get scared."

"What makes you think of him?" Kendall asked, still whispering.

James shrugged. "It just happens sometimes. I don't mean for it to but it does. And then…" James trailed off, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.

"And then what baby?"

James took a deep, shuddering breath. "And then I start to get scared because I think you're gonna get mad and you won't stop if I ask you to." he muttered.

"Jamie, that's not true." Kendall said immediately. "I'm not him, and I would never, ever hurt you like he did."

"Yeah, I know." James mumbled. He sniffled and rested his head on Kendall's shoulder.

Kendall sighed and placed a kiss on James's temple. After a few moments, he stood up and walked in front of James, kneeling in front of him. "I want to show you something Jamie." he said.

"What?" James asked, confused.

"I want to show you I'm not him." Kendall said, taking his hands. "I want to show you and remind you that I'm not going to hurt you and whatever we do, you're going to enjoy." James smiled lightly. "Only if you want me to though."

James hesitated. "I do." he said.

"You sure?"

"Positive."

"Ok." Kendall nodded and pulled down James's sweatpants. He felt the brunette boy tense up and then relax. "Just me, Jamie." Kendall whispered, rubbing James's thigh. "Not him, just me."

"Just you." James whispered.

Kendall nodded again and took the top of James's boxers with his teeth. Sensually and slowly, he tugged them down to James's knees, his ears perking up at the sound of James's pleasured moans. He brought his mouth up to the boy's erection and began sucking. The brunette moaned out in pleasure once more. He wasn't scared anymore and his dad was the furthest thing from his mind.

Because Kendall Knight gave amazing blow jobs.

****

A/N: for once I really don't know what to say here lol (: Thoughts?


	20. Chapter Nineteen

**A/N: intense chapter ahead of you all! Uh well at least I think so lol. I was working on this one all week.**

**Chapter Nineteen**

James and Kendall sat on a wooden bench on the outskirts of the frozen lake, sipping hot chocolate and watching the little kids skate around. Gliding past them was a little girl, who couldn't be older than give or six. Her legs were wobbly on the skates and she promptly fell down, landing on her stomach. Kendall and James stood up and helped her to her feet.

"You ok sweetie?" Kendall asked, steadying her to her feet.

"Uh-huh. I fall down a lot but I'm getting better." the little girl said to Kendall, brushing her blonde hair out of her eyes. She smiled a toothy smile at him, revealing some missing teeth. "Do you fall down a lot?"

Kendall chuckled. "Sometimes."

"My name is Lexi." the girl said. "I'm this many." she held up her glove covered hand and then looked at it when Kendall and James laughed. "Oh, wait." she bit down on the top of the glove and pulled it off with her teeth. When she spit the glove out on the ice, she wiggled all five of her fingers. "I'm this many!"

"Well it's nice to meet you Lexi." Kendall said. "I'm Kendall and I'm this many." he held up all ten of his fingers and then held up seven fingers.

"You're old." Lexi giggled. She looked at James. "Are you old like him."

"I'm older." James chuckled just as an older man was skating over to Lexi.

"Lex, you're not supposed to talk to strangers." the man said, then smiled apologetically at Kendall and James.

"But they're not strangers, they're my friends." Lexi explained. "This is Kendall and this is Kendall's friend. They're this many." she opened and closed her hands a few times, causing a chuckle from the three guys. "This is my daddy." Lexi said after the laughter died down. "He's my best friend. Where's your daddy?"

James glanced at Kendall, who managed to keep the smile on his face as he softly said, "My daddy's in heaven."

Lexi's smile fell. "I'm sorry. My mommy's in heaven. Do you think that your daddy is an angel with my mommy?"

Kendall's smile grew slightly. "Yeah, I do." he said.

"C'mon Lexi, let's go skate some more." Lexi's dad said, taking her hand.

"Ok. Bye-bye!" she waved eagerly to Kendall and James as she skated away.

"She's so cute." James said then turned to Kendall with a combination of a pout and a smile on his face.

"What?" Kendall asked warily.

"I want one." James said simply and Kendall's eyes bugged out.

"You want a kid?" he exclaimed.

James flashed him a toothy grin and bobbed his head up and down.

"Did somebody spike your hot chocolate?" Kendall asked.

"C'mon Kenny!" James whined, grabbing his hands. "You're so good with kids, and I've always wanted to be a dad."

"Yeah but-"

"We can adopt!" James continued. "Everybody adopts now a days. We can adopt a little Japanese boy!"

"James-"

"What? Japan is largely in need right now!"

"James!" the brunette shut his mouth and Kendall sighed. "I don't think having kids is in the cars for us right now." he said. James stuck out his lower lip and Kendall sighed again. "I mean, we need some time to mature as a couple before we think about a family."

"So someday?" James asked hopefully.

"Uh… I guess." Kendall shrugged.

James's hopeful smile dropped. "Kendall, what aren't you telling me?" he asked.

"Nothing." Kendall mumbled.

"You're lying." James insisted.

"No I'm not."

"Yeah, you are so tell me what you're not telling me."

"Jamie-"

"Tell me!"

"Ugh ok!" Kendall groaned. "But you're not going to like what I have to say." before James could reply, Kendall continued. "You know everything your dad did to you? Well chances are his dad could've done that stuff to him and that's why he did it to you."

"So?"

"So, this whole abuse thing is a cycle. It often repeats itself."

James's expression hardened. "You think I'm going to hurt my child?" he asked in a deathly quiet voice.

"There's a chance James." Kendall said. "Abusive relationships are a cycle."

"I would never lay a hand on my kid Kendall." James insisted.

"What if your dad said that about you?" Kendall countered.

James started stuttering angrily, his face turning red. "You actually think I'm going to be like my dad?" he exclaimed. "So since your dad died you're gonna die if you have kids?"

Kendall opened his mouth then closed it.

"See how stupid that sounds?" James continued. "Just because I have an asshole dad doesn't mean I'm going to be an asshole dad!"

"I'm sorry." Kendall whispered. "I was out of line."

"Yeah you were." James said, crossing his arms around his chest.

"It was just something I was concerned about." Kendall explained. "I mean, my mom's dad used to hit her sometimes and his dad used to hit him-"

"So your mom hit you?" James asked.

"Well no-"

"She hit Katie?"

"No but the point I'm trying to make is that abuse is a cycle."

"Well consider the cycle broken." James insisted. "Kendall you know me. I rarely get mad and I practically flinch when someone tries to hug me. If I was really the abusive type don't you think I'd have more of a temper… like you?"

Kendall sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "You know what? I'm just being stupid. James I'm really sorry and I didn't mean to upset you."

James's expression softened. "It's ok."

Kendall smiled lightly and laced his fingers with James's, idly swinging their hands back and forth. "I'm sorry I'm such an idiot."

"That's ok because I love you, idiot and all." James smiled.

"Yay." Kendall said and leaned in to kiss him. James smiled into the kiss but moments later, a voice whispering "Faggots" to the two of them caused him to pull away from Kendall, a melancholy look on his face. Kendall's face mimicked his as the two boys awkwardly separated their hands from one another.

. . .

_"So I'll see you tomorrow?" Kendall asked, rocking back and forth on his heels awkwardly. He rubbed the back of his neck as he shyly glanced in James's direction._

_"Yeah, that's be good." James said, wringing his hands together. "Uh t-tonight was a lot of fun." he continued._

_"Yeah, it was." Kendall agreed. "Not bad for a first date."_

_"And you didn't spill anything on me." James joked._

_Kendall chuckled and nodded. "So I should be heading home but first can I, uh…" Kendall trailed off, his face turning red._

_James blushed as well but took the initiative step forward and placed his lips on Kendall's. The blonde was pleasantly surprised but quickly and eagerly kissed him back._

_"Good night James." he whispered when they broke the kiss._

_"Night." James whispered in reply then returned to his home, a wide smile on his face._

_"Welcome home." his father's voice startled him as he shut the front door. His father got up from the couch he was previously sitting on and walked over to James. An unlit cigarette was resting between his fingers. "So I saw something very interesting tonight."_

_James paled. No. No way, he couldn't have seen him and Kendall. He couldn't have! James's throat went dry and he broke out in a cold sweat._

_Mr. Diamond closed the gap between the two of them. "When were you planning on telling me you were a faggot?" he asked._

_James swallowed thickly, his back against the black painted door._

_"You know." Mr. Diamond pulled a lighter from his back pocket and lit the cigarette. James's eyes widened in fear. "Back in the day they used to kill boys like you for being fags." Mr. Diamond grasped James's arm tightly. The scar on the back of his neck began to throb in pain at the thought of another one being added to it._

_"No, no, please don't." James begged._

_"Maybe I won't…. if you repeat after me." Mr. Diamond said, raising the cigarette until it was two inches from James's horrified face. The boy nodded his head and Mr. Diamond continued. "Say, I'm sorry father that I am such a faggot."_

_"I'm sorry." James whimpered. "I'm sorry father that I'm such a…"_

_Mr. Diamond moved the cigarette closer to James's face. His skin itched when he felt the heat on his cheek. "Such a what?" Mr. Diamond asked._

_James closed his eyes and, like his tears, the words just poured out. "I'm sorry father that I am such a faggot."_

_Across the street, Kendall walked inside of his house happily. "Hey sis." Katie was having a play date with her friend Erica. His mother and Erica's mother were sitting on the couch._

_"Hi Kenny." Katie said. "Why were you kissing a boy?"_

_Kendall's face paled then reddened. "Uh…"_

_"Me and Katie saw you kissing a boy outside." Erica said._

_Damn it! Kendall looked at his mom who, to his utter surprise, was smiling. "Was it James?" she asked._

_Kendall's face reddened even more. "How did you-"_

_"A mother just knows." Mrs. Knight smiled. "Good for you honey."_

_Kendall instantly relaxed and smiled._

_"Um, excuse me." Erica's mother said and then turned to Mrs. Knight. "Challen, you approve of this?"_

_"Yes." Mrs. Knight said simply. "Why?"_

_"Well personally, I wouldn't want a faggot as a son." Erica's mom whispered and Kendall's jaw dropped. "No offense." she added._

_Mrs. Knight just smiled. "Well, no offense Daisy, but fuck you." she said cheerfully. Kendall's jaw dropped even more. Kendall's mother NEVER cursed; the closest she had gotten in front of the kids was saying 'crap' once or twice. "You have no right to judge my son on who he decides to be with." she continued and Kendall's heart was swollen with pride. It made him so ecstatic to know his mother wasn't going to judge him for being different but at the same time, his heart still ached when he thought about being called… that word. What was so wrong with being gay?_

. . .

"Jamie, those jerks in the park had no right to say that to us." Kendall said as the two of them walked back into Kendall's house. "Don't let them get to you." he watched James as he sat down on the couch, staring unseeingly ahead of him. He had a ghostly expression on his face. Worriedly, Kendall took a seat next to him. "Jamie?" he put a hand on his shoulder and James flinched.

"I'm sorry." James whimpered, his eyes welling up with tears. "I'm sorry I'm just a faggot."

"Oh, James." Kendall threw his arms around James, hugging him tightly. The brunette boy sniffled and wiped his eyes furiously, trying to stop the tears from falling. "James, why did you say that?"

"C-cuz my…" James took a deep breath. "After our first date my dad saw us kiss and he made me apologize for being a faggot or he was going to burn me with his cigarette."

Kendall's heart dropped. "I so hate your dad." Kendall murmured, burying his face in James's feather soft hair. "Like seriously, I want to freaking murder him." James just shrugged in reply and leaned his head against Kendall's. "Is there anything else I should know?" Kendall asked.

James sighed. "I'm rich." he said bluntly. Kendall sat up straight, his eyebrow raised in questioning. James sighed again and rubbed the back of his neck. "Every year since I was born my grandma sent me one hundred dollars for my birthday, but my dad's been keeping the money ever since." he explained. "And since I don't think she knows I left for LA, she's still sending me money. I have- correction, my dad has- about $1,700."

Kendall stared at James blankly for a moment. "We should get it." he finally said.

James's eyes widened. "What? Are you insane?"

"James-"

"I cannot go back into that house!" James insisted.

"James, it's your money he's hoarding." Kendall said. "You deserve to have it."

"He'll know I took it." James said in a quiet, childlike voice. "He'll know I'm back in Minnesota and he'll…" James trailed off. "I can't do it."

"Your dad doesn't deserve to keep your money." Kendall insisted. "That's just more power he holds over you."

"But-"

"Just think for a second James." Kendall said. "Hasn't your dad ever done anything that made you madder than you ever felt before?"

. . .

_"Stop it, stop it, stop it!" James squeezed his eyes shut and put his hands over his ears. "You're lying, my mom loved me. She **loved** me! My mother would **never** let you touch me!" he shrieked._

_"Ok, you keep on thinking that!" Mr. Diamond yelled at his son, grabbing his wrists and pulling his arms down. "You keep on believing those lies when in fact everything I've been saying is true! She couldn't stand the sight of you, and neither can I. Your mother was a selfish cunt, and the biggest mistake she made wasn't that she left me; it was that she didn't take you with her!"_

_James froze. Rage was building up in his chest and it was making his blood boil. "What did you just call her?" he demanded in a low voice._

_Mr. Diamond smirked sadistically. "What's wrong James, you didn't like that?"_

_James's breaths were coming out ragged at this point. "**Don't** say that about my mother, **ever**." he growled._

_"Say what?" Mr. Diamond smirked. "A **cunt**?"_

_Even to this day, James swears that he saw red. As soon as that word left Mr. Diamond's mouth James pulled his arm back and punched his father's jaw as hard as he could, causing him to stumble back into a dresser._

_"That's for my mother!" James yelled at him and then fled the room before his father could recoil from the shock of being punched by his son._

. . .

James bit down on his lip and nodded. "So don't you think he deserves this?" Kendall pressed. James turned to look out the window at his house for a moment before taking a deep breath and replying, "Let's do it."

**A/N: didn't I tell ya it'd be intense! I wonder what's gonna happen next ;) just so you know I do not approve of the word used in this chapter (the C word). I think that's the worst thing you can call a woman and it shouldn't be used in that context but for the purposes of this story I had to use it. If it offended any of you, I apologize.**


	21. Chapter Twenty

**A/N: soooooooooooooooooo sorry for the wait guys! I got distracted and I kinda forgot to finish typing this :p But I'm back and I hope I don't disappoint you with what I have to write (:**

**Chapter Twenty**

They had been watching the house for the past fifteen minutes and finally the front door of the Diamond house opened. James felt his breath get caught in his throat and his bones turned to lead. Even from a distance he could tell his dad still looked the same- tall, built, and scary. The brunette boy involuntarily gripped the curtains so tightly his knuckles turned white. Vaguely, he felt Kendall rub his back between his shoulder blades. Neither boy took their eyes off of the man across the street.

Brian Diamond didn't seem to notice Kendall and James watching him so intensively. He reached into the pocket of his jeans and pulled out a pack of Marlboro, putting one of the cigarettes between his lips, and then he pulled out his car keys. Kendall pressed his face closer to the window, not wanting to miss a movement. He barely blinked as he and James watched Mr. Diamond get into his car and back out of the driveway. James swallowed and moved behind the curtains, hiding himself from his dad, but Kendall stayed in his spot. The black car drove past Kendall's house and the blonde boys kept his eyes on it until it disappeared down the road.

"Let's go." Kendall breathed and took James's hand in his. The two boys stealthily bolted across the street and stood in James's yard, looking at the house before them. "How do we get in?" Kendall asked.

James licked his lips nervously. "Uh, my bedroom window probably never got fixed… we can probably climb in through there."

Kendall nodded wordlessly and ran over to the large oak tree that had been growing outside of James's bedroom since before he was born. The tree was large and tall enough to let the boys climb up it and get inside of James's old bedroom. Kendall placed his foot on a low branch and grabbed one right above his head. With a deep breath, he hoisted himself up onto the higher branch and continued upward until he was perched outside of James's bedroom window. As he was pushing it up, James started up the tree. Moments later, both boys were inside.

James's eyes darted nervously around his old room. It was still pretty much the say as he left it - unusually clean (his dad was always easier on him whenever he kept things clean). He subconsciously crossed his arms around his middle, hugging himself tightly.

This action did not go unnoticed by Kendall, who put his hands on James's shoulders. "Trust me, it's all going to be ok." he said softly. "We're gonna get the money and then we're getting out."

"Kay." James mumbled, and then took a deep breath. "Uh, let's check his room."

Kendall nodded and the two boys left James's room, and went down the hall until they were standing outside Mr. Diamond's bedroom. Kendall glanced at James, who turned unnaturally pale and started to wring his hands together. Kendall touched his back. "I can look in here by myself." he told him. "You can check downstairs. You know, save us time."

James exhaled, the color returning to his face. "Alright. Just be careful not to mess up too much stuff."

"Got it." Kendall placed a kiss on his cheek before the brunette boy disappeared downstairs. Kendall turned the gold knob and entered Mr. Diamond's room.

The room wasn't very big; just average sized. His bed was against the side wall, a bedside table on either side, and his closet was across from that. There was a window on the back wall with the blinds drawn shut and a large dresser underneath it. On the dresser there was a picture laying face down. Kendall didn't know where to start, the money could be anywhere. Finally, he decided to look under the bed, mattress, sheets, and pillows. He checked all of the drawers on each bedside table, and the dresser. He searched high and low in the closet. Nothing. Time was ticking by and Kendall was getting frustrated. He leaned against the dresser in thought, his hand resting on top of the turned down picture frame. It felt oddly thick to him…

Bingo!

"James!" Kendall pulled the back of the frame out and resting on top of whatever picture was inside was numerous five and one hundred dollar bills. "James, I found it!"

Seconds later James was running into the room. "You found my money?" he exclaimed.

"Every last penny." Kendall beamed and pulled out the money. "It was in this picture frame." James reached for the picture atop the glass and his smile wavered. It was his family… at least, what his family used to be. James had to be ten or eleven in the picture. He was sitting on a wooden stool in front of his parents who, even he had to admit, looked genuinely happy. His mother, beautiful as ever, had a hand on his shoulder, showing off her wedding ring, and his father had his arm around her waist, hugging her closely. They looked so in love, and the three of them looked so happy. What went wrong?

"James?" the brunette blinked and turned to Kendall. "You ok?"

James nodded, putting the picture back in the frame and the back of the frame back on. "Let's just go."

Kendall opened his mouth to say something but a noise cut him off.

The sound of the front door opening.

James's and Kendall's eyes widened in utter horror. Wordlessly, the two boys ran from Mr. Diamond's room, accidentally slamming the door shut in the process. Kendall swore under his breath and the two of them ducked into James's bedroom. The sound of Mr. Diamond's footsteps coming up the steps pounded in their ears.

"Closet!" Kendall hissed, grabbing James's forearm and the two of them ducked inside of James's closet, just as his dad was walking inside of his room. Kendall and James squeezed into the corner of the closet, Kendall's back pressed against the wall as far as he could and James's back was pressed against his chest. Kendall wrapped his hand around James's mouth and James's hands flew up to cover Kendall's. Through the cracks of the closet door, both boys could see James's dad walking around the room, looking around… it sent chills up their spines. As he stepped closer and closer to the closet, both boys backed up into the wall some more. Kendall could practically feel James's heart beating faster and faster, like his own heart was. Mr. Diamond was getting closer and closer. At any second, he could open the closet door and see the two of them there…

And then he just turned around and walked out of the room. James and Kendall didn't even breathe until they heard his descending footsteps, followed by the sound of his car driving down the street.

Before Kendall could even exhale, James had bolted out of the closet and climbed out of the window. Kendall was quick to follow him but as soon as James's feet touched the ground, he started running. He didn't stop at Kendall's house, he just kept running and he didn't look back.

**A/N: so… suspenseful? I'd say so. Thoughts? (:**


	22. Chapter Twenty One

**A/N: ok so the long wait for this was really not intended, especially after that cliffhanger. But I'm having severe laptop troubles and my step dad has to send it in to get fixed. So I'm currently using my mom's laptop to type this chapter. It's different from what I had before because that's on the dead laptop and my friend helped me think of this but nonetheless, I think this turned out good (: hope you all enjoy!**

**Chapter Twenty-One**

Being over six foot obviously means having long legs, right? And long legs means you can run pretty damn fast. Add playing hockey for quite a number of years and a hyped up adrenaline and James Diamond could have ran all the way back to LA if he wanted to right now.

And the scary thing is that he really did want to.

He just couldn't take it here anymore. And of course Kendall didn't know that; he made sure of it. He didn't want Kendall worrying about him because all Kendall wanted was to take care of him and if he felt like he was failing at that, then it would be all downhill from here.

So James kept it all to himself. He didn't tell Kendall about how he couldn't sleep at night because he was having too many nightmares. He didn't tell Kendall how freaking paranoid and nervous it made him being so close to his old house. He didn't tell Kendall how he was going insane being back in Minnesota. Why did he even want to go on this trip again? Oh right, to get close to Kendall again. _Because that wasn't possible to do in LA. Way to go genius_, he mentally scolded himself.

Well it didn't matter now. James could surely convince Kendall that he was fine, that there was nothing for him to worry about. They would keep walking around Minnesota, going to their old hangouts, reminiscing about all the good times. Kendall would never suspect a thing.

No wonder James adjusted to LA so well. He was such a good actor, he was almost able to convince himself.

**. . .**

The sun was setting when Kendall finally caught up to James. He had no idea where the boy was running to and he refused to stop when the blonde called out his name several times, but a couple of blocks and nearly no breath later, Kendall found him.

James was standing on the edge of the old frozen lake on the outskirts of the park, staring out at what looked like nothing. Even though his back was to Kendall, he could tell that he was crying by the way his shoulders were shaking. "I remember… before my mom left, my dad would take me here a lot." he said, his voice shaking as he spoke. "He taught me how to play hockey here when I was five." James took a step out onto the ice. "We would spend hours, just skating around. I would fall all the time and he would just pick me up and say, practice makes perfect." he took another step.

"James, the ice looks pretty thin, I don't think you should be walking on it." Kendall warned him.

James ignored him and took a few more steps out onto the ice. He crossed his arms tightly across his chest as if he were cold. "I was so happy when I was little. My dad actually loved me and…" he let out a short laugh, despite the tears beginning to fall down his cheeks. "I was happy." his smile wavered. "Why can't I be happy Kendall?" he asked, turning around to face his boyfriend. "I want to be happy; why can't I be happy?"

"J-James…" Kendall had no idea how to reply to that. He took a deep breath and started to walk towards him. "James, when we get back to LA you're going to be happy again. You'll be far, far away from your dad and this place and all those bad memories… you can leave all this behind you and you'll be happy again."

James wiped his eyes. "I wish it was that simple Kendall." he said in a quiet voice. "But it's not. It doesn't matter if I'm in LA, or Minnesota, or anywhere, I'm never going to be happy! He- he's always going to be there; in my memory, when I sleep- _he's always going to be there_!" James's voice was rising as he spoke each word. "You don't understand that, do you?" Kendall opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out. He just stared at James, his mouth agape. The brunette laughed bitterly. "Of course you wouldn't understand that, you had the normal family!" he snapped. "You with your perfect mom and your perfect dad and your perfect sister. You never had to feel pain like this Kendall! And I thank God that you didn't have to go through what I went through but don't preach to me about how I'm going to be ok because _I'll never be ok_!" James's legs buckled beneath him and he dropped down to the ice, his arms wrapped around his middle as he sobbed loud, heart wrenching, stomach aching sobs.

Kendall snapped out of his initial shock and rushed over to James. He wrapped his arms around his shaking form and- for lack of a better term- drug him off the ice. "James," he panted, laying on the ground next to him. "James, you have to believe me; it really is going to be ok. I'm going to be here for you no matter what and- and I'm going to make you ok even if it kills me. You believe me, don't you?" Kendall hesitated asking James that question but he couldn't resist it. He needed to hear James say that he believed him; he needed that reassurance after everything that happened.

But to his dismay, he didn't get that reassurance. James didn't say anything; the brunette simply hung his head as his body shook with more sobs. Kendall closed his eyes tightly and wrapped his arms around James. "I'm sorry." he whispered in a broken voice. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…"

**. . .**

He failed.

He was a failure.

James was the most important thing to him besides his family and he couldn't even keep him happy anymore. He failed.

Those two words would haunt him forever. He failed James and the worst part is that James knew it. James knew that Kendall wasn't good enough to keep him safe and happy. He wasn't good enough to keep the nightmares away or chase the monsters away.

He wasn't good enough.

Kendall couldn't sleep- sleep was a foreign thing to him tonight. He was hurting, no he was _dying_ inside because he couldn't help James. He needed to stop the hurting, and he was going to do it the only way he knew how.

With the razor.

**A/N: ehhhh I tried to make it intense at the end but I'm not sure if it was. But yeah, angst-y James and angst-y Kendall all in one chapter (: gotta love it.**


	23. Chapter Twenty Two

**A/N: so today is Kames Day :D as dubbed by my amazing twinny The Savage Soul (: and I felt it necessary to update my story on today of all days haha. Enjoy**

**Chapter Twenty-Two**

Kendall missed this, as strange as it sounds. He missed the feel of the razor cutting his skin because the strange thing is that he didn't feel it anymore. He was numb to it all and whenever he cut, all the pain went away.

One.

That was for the complete terror he felt inside of James's house.

Two.

That was for the hurt, fear, and confusion he felt when James ran away.

Three.

That was for the heartbreak he felt when he saw James having his breakdown on the ice.

Four.

That was for when James said he wasn't happy.

Five.

That was for when James didn't believe that he could make him happy again.

Six.

That was for when James didn't believe that he could make him happy again.

Seven.

That was for when James didn't believe that he could make him happy again.

Eight.

That was for when James didn't believe that he could make him happy again.

Well damn, why didn't he just cut James's name into his arm!

"Kenny?" speak of the devil. The blonde boy threw the razor in the cabinet under the sink and immediately started to think of a way to get himself out of the hole he had just dug himself into. And then it came to him; he took his bleeding wrist and smeared the blood under his nose, to make it look as if he had a nose bleed, and then pulled the sleeve of his shirt down to cover his wrist. He picked up the towel, that already had some blood on it, and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Bathroom!" he called back, sounding nasal. He really hoped this would work.

"Oh my gosh, what happened to you?" James asked, rushing into the bathroom. "You're bleeding! Are you ok?"

"Calm down James, I'm fine." Kendall reassured him. "I just got a nose bleed, it's no big deal."

"Did you hurt yourself?" the brunette asked.

Kendall froze. He wasn't prepared for all these questions. "It, uh, just kind of happened on its own. But it's really nothing to worry about; the bleeding stopped." he wiped the excess blood off of his face and disposed of the towel. He flashed James a smile. "See, I'm fine."

James relaxed. "Ok good." he smiled lightly and turned to leave. As soon as he was sure he was gone, Kendall grabbed the razor again and made one more cut.

That was for being such a damned liar.

**. . .**

The room was spinning. His vision was spotted. The floor felt like it was slipping from beneath him. He felt something hard hit his head; now it was bounding. Like a blinding pain that wrapped all around his skull. His arm hurt- no it burned. It wasn't supposed to hurt. Nothing was supposed to hurt anymore. He was supposed to be fine. But he felt like he was leaking. It felt like someone punctured a hole in his heart and everything was just falling out.

"Kendall!"

There was that voice again… it was the voice of an angel. It was the voice that made everything ok.

"Kendall!"

Why did the beautiful voice sound so sad? What was wrong?

"Kendall please!"

What did the angel want? Anything he wanted Kendall would gladly give it him. Anything to take the sadness away.

"Kendall! Don't leave! You can't leave me!"

The voice sounded choked up. Please don't cry angel. It hurts me when you cry.

"Kendall, I love you! God, I love you so much. Please, don't leave me!"

_I love you too angel. I'm not going anywhere_.

**. . .**

James finally breathed when Kendall's eyes fluttered open. He never realized how amazing it was to see those beautiful green eyes. "What happened?" Kendall mumbled, rubbing his head.

"You passed out." James said with a sniffle. "You- you had too much… blood loss."

"Blood loss?" Kendall muttered and then his eyes widened in shock. "Oh God, James no. I didn't-"

"Just don't Kendall." James said softly. "I don't want to talk about this right now."

"James we can't just ignore it." Kendall insisted, pushing himself up off of the floor.

"Honestly Kendall if we talk about this right now we are going to have a fight that made every other fight we had before this look like a little chat over tea." James said in a surprisingly calm voice.

Kendall blinked in surprise. "But that's our problem Jamie." he said. James just sighed and got up to leave the bathroom. Kendall immediately jumped up to go after him, ignoring the pound in his head and the wave of dizziness that washed over him. "James you can't just walk away from me!" he cried. But James didn't listen to him, he just took a seat on the living room couch, ignoring him. And Kendall felt every single ounce of pain and hurt coming out right now. "Do you remember what we said after we had sex?" Kendall asked, blinking furiously to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall out of his eyes. "When we were fighting? Do you remember?"

James turned to look at him. "What did we say?" he asked, scrunching his eyebrows together, trying to remember.

Kendall let out a bitter laugh. "You really don't remember?" he asked, the smile falling and he just looked like a kicked puppy.

James's heart ached. "I-I'm sorry Kendall. I kind of just blocked all of that out. It was a bad fight."

Kendall sniffled and wiped his eyes before taking a deep breath. "I said that I'm no good for you and you said…" Kendal choked on a sob and the tears started to fall. "You said you could never hate me and you l-loved me." his voice cracked with emotion. "So what happened to that?"

"K-Kendall." James's breath got caught in his throat. He got up off of the couch to walk over to him. "I- I do love you-"

Kendall shook his head. "No, I thought you did but you obviously don't. You don't care about me at all James because if you cared you would actually talk to me about everything that's going on."

"Kendall-"

"No, no it all makes sense to me now." Kendal cut him off, running his fingers through his hair. "I wasn't good enough for you to begin with and throughout this entire trip, I still haven't been good enough for you. And now I've come to face the fact that I'll never be good enough for you! And that's why you don't care about me anymore!" he dropped down onto the couch, covering his face in his hands and he sobbed. James felt tears filling up in his own eyes and he took a seat next to Kendall, wrapping his arms around him. He hugged him tightly and buried his face in the crook of his neck. "When- when you s-said that you weren't happy I felt like such a failure." Kendall sobbed, his entire body shaking. "I don't want anything else in this world except for you to be happy. A-and then you didn't b-believe me wh-when I said I was going to make you h-happy again and- and I just didn't know what else to do."

"Shh, it's ok Kenny." James murmured, squeezing him tightly. His own tears fell onto the flannel of Kendall's shirt.

"No it's _not_." Kendall insisted, choking on another sob. "It's not because you're not happy."

"Kendall I am though." James forced himself to move away from Kendall and sit on the coffee table in front of him. "When I said I wasn't happy, I was just upset because of everything that went on with my dad. But when I'm with you… baby, that's the happiest I've ever been in my entire life." he used his thumb to tenderly wipe Kendall's tears away. "You don't always have to be the strong one. You can cry and get upset. You can't cut yourself anymore or I'll tell your mom, but you can talk to me whenever you're feeling bad, and I promise to talk to you. No more secrets, ok?"

"Ok." Kendall said with a small smile.

James grinned. "There's the smile I love." he whispered and gave Kendall a chaste kiss.

**A/N: so I'd like to thank the song "Walking By" by Holiday Parade because I pretty much had that on repeat while I typed (: especially this part because it sounds so much like the Kames relationship in this story:**

**"It's about the way you're scared, baby, just maybe I'm aware this is what you need 'cause every time you walk in the room, can't help myself I wanna be with you. Hit the mic, a quick check one, two singing out my lungs just to reach you"**

**:D so yeah. This chapter was kind of ehhh in my opinion but I hope you guys liked it :D ps- love you guys!**


	24. Chapter Twenty Three

**A/N: ok so after much consideration, thinking, planning, typing, google-ing, music-listening-to, eating, sleeping, and editing, I've come to the conclusion that the next two chapters are going to be the last two of this story. I'm going to make them pretty lengthy to please you guys, even if it takes some time. I want them to be perfect.**

**Alright, now for this chapter, it's very flashback-y. most of the flashbacks are from previous chapters but there's some that haven't been read before. If you ask me, this chapter is pretty good (: hope you all enjoy! :D**

**Warnings for this chapter: sexual situations**

**ps: I can't thank you guys enough for the 200 reviews :'D**

**Chapter Twenty Three**

"So lets talk." James said. He and Kendall had retreated to Kendall's bedroom where they were currently laying on the blonde's bed, their heads next to each other, but their body going off in opposite directions.

"Talk about what?" Kendall asked.

"Everything." James rolled over so he was laying on his stomach. "I don't want there to be anymore secrets between us. I just want everything out in the open."

Kendall let out a huff of breath and mimicked James's actions so he too was laying on his stomach. "So where do we start?" he asked softly.

"From the beginning." James said firmly. "Our first night together on the road trip."

**. . .**

_"Wanna hear a secret?" James asked him, tossing his cigarette onto the rooftop and stomping it out with his shoe. He reached over to Kendall and took his unlit cigarette out of his mouth and lit it._

_"You took another hit of that coke stuff when I wasn't looking?" Kendall joked. He took a small hit of the cigarette when James and blew the smoke right in James's face. The brunette's cheeks flushed and he took a hit._

_"No." James said, answering Kendall's question. "But what I was going to say was… I'm really glad it's just you and me here, Kendall."_

_Kendall's head sharply turned to look at James, his eyes wide and his cheeks red. James was biting his lip and looking down, but Kendall could see that he was blushing as well. Right now, Kendall was soaring. Those were the words he had been dying to hear since their trip started._

_"James, can I ask you something." Kendall asked as he took the cigarette out of James's hand before it burned his skin. He put it too his lips and took a puff._

_"Shoot."_

_"Why Minnesota?"_

_James bit his lip, he knew this question was going to pop up sooner or later. Luckily he had been able to put it off for a while but there was no avoiding it now. Taking a deep breath, he whispered, "Minnesota was where it all started with us."_

_Kendall raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"_

_"I mean… we had a life in Minnesota, we had memories, and… feelings back then and California made everything weird and different and I… I didn't want us to forget how it started with us… if there even is an us anymore." James was looking like a tomato at this point and Kendall was still soaring. He dropped the cigarette to the ground, stomped it out and timidly reached out and grabbed James's hand. The brunette boy looked up at him, confusion in his eyes. "There is an us." Kendall whispered to him, and James's smile couldn't be wider._

**. . .**

"You were so cute." Kendall said, pinching James's cheeks. The brunette boy rolled his eyes and shoved Kendall's hand away. "I can believe you thought I would forget how it all started though." he added.

"Well I was worried." James said. "We spent the past year and a half almost avoiding each other and avoiding our feelings, and I had no idea you still liked me!"

"Yeah, I was pretty good at hiding it." Kendall smirked. "But only because I thought you had gotten over me." he added quickly.

"I didn't." James said softly.

"I know." Kendall placed a kiss on his cheek. "I wish I had known that earlier."

"I was scared." James admitted. "You and Jo looked so happy together. I didn't want to ruin your happiness."

Kendall smiled weakly. "Well one, looks can be deceiving Jamie. And two, if you told me that you loved me sooner than this trip, I would've been the happiest guy in the world."

James smiled widely and placed a kiss on Kendall's lips. "Wait a sec," he said when he pulled away. "What do you mean looks can be deceiving?"

Kendall sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "Me and Jo looked good together on the outside but… we actually fought a lot. Mostly because she always said she had this feeling, or whatever, that I had eyes for someone else…"

**. . .**

_"Jo, you're being ridiculous. You know I only have eyes for you!" Kendall insisted, running this fingers through his hair. "I mean, I'm with you, aren't I?"_

_"I don't know, are you?" Jo asked, crossing her arms across her chest. Her glare had softened since they first started fighting and she was trying hard to keep her tone down but Kendall was so stubborn it was making it rather difficult for her. "Kendall, you say you're with me and you love me but there's this feeling that I have that I can't shake."_

_"You don't have anything to be worried about though!" Kendall exclaimed._

_Jo closed her eyes briefly and took a deep breath. "Kendall… please stop lying to me." she whispered._

_Kendall groaned. "Jo-"_

_"I see the way you look at him Kendall." Jo cut in._

_Kendall, for once, was speechless. The color drained completely from his face and his heart started to pound. "I- I-" he stuttered and then swallowed thickly. "I don't know what you're talking about." he mumbled._

_Jo sighed impatiently. "Kendall, I'm not stupid. I see how your eyes linger on him longer than they should, and how whenever you guys brush shoulders you turn bright red, and-"_

_"Jo!" Kendall hissed. "That's not true. I don't have any feelings for James."_

_Jo had to fight so hard to keep the smile from forming on her face. "I never said anything about James." she said. Kendall squeezed his eyes shut and massaged his temples. He just dug himself the biggest hole humanly possible. "Kendall it's ok if you like James."_

_"I'm not gay." Kendall denied quickly._

_Jo shrugged. "That's not stopping you from liking James."_

_"But I'm not gay." Kendall groaned._

_"So you're James-sexual!" Jo said, throwing her arms up in the air. "Honestly, it doesn't care what you are! What does matter is that you love him, and you need to admit it to someone other than yourself."_

_Kendall ran his hands over his face and held them there. It took Jo a minute to realize he had started to cry. "Oh Kendall!" Jo placed her hands on his shoulders and eased him down onto her couch. "Hey, it's ok. Don't cry." she rubbed his back soothingly._

_"He doesn't love me though." Kendall quietly cried. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hands but tears were still falling down his cheeks. "I- I just want him to love me."_

_Jo gently placed his hands on his chin and lifted his head up. "Who says he doesn't?"_

**. . .**

James was speechless. "Wh-why didn't you- you should've told me!" James exclaimed, smacking the blonde boy in his shoulder.

"Ow!" Kendall cried, grabbing his arm, but he let out a laugh. "We've already established why I didn't tell you Jamie."

"I know, I'm sorry." James apologized and then sighed. "Can I apologize for one other thing?" he asked.

"What?"

"I'm sorry for kissing you." James said. "You weren't ready for it."

"Well I'm sorry for getting mad and fighting with you." Kendall replied.

**. . .**

_James smiled lightly and turned his head to look at the blonde boy. And then before he could stop himself, he was leaning forward, pressing his lips against Kendall's._

_And this time, it was real._

_But just as soon as it happened, James went flying back into the wall. "Um, that didn't go as planned…" he muttered to himself._

_"Why did you do that?" Kendall asked him._

_"Cause when some likes someone else they kiss them." James explained slowly. "What's the big deal?"_

_"The big deal is that you don't like me!" Kendall exclaimed._

_"Yes I do." James insisted. "And you like me… or at least I thought you did-"_

_"Stop teasing me James." Kendall growled almost angrily. "You know that I still like you."_

_"Then why are you acting like this over a kiss?"_

_"Because it's not nice to kiss someone if they don't mean anything to you!" Kendall exclaimed._

_"You do mean something to me!" James insisted. "You mean a lot to me actually! I mean, I know I have a reputation as a player but I'm not an ass and you know that Kendall! If I didn't like you why would I kiss you?"_

_"That's what I wanna know!"_

**. . .**

"Not our finest moments." James grimaced, shaking his head.

"Not at all." Kendall agreed. "But it's ok. Because we got through it." Kendall slung his arm around James. "Just like we always do."

"Just like we always will." James said softly, a smile on his face. The two boys sat there, just basking in the moment of their togetherness.

"So let's talk about something else now." Kendall suggested after a moment of silence.

"Like?"

The blonde boy hesitated. "Your dad."

James sighed and rested his head on Kendall's shoulder. "But I don't want to talk about that." he mumbled. "Just happy things."

"But this is important Jamie." Kendall insisted. "I need to know everything I can so I can make sure you're happy and safe around me."

"I do though." James said, tilting his head up to look at Kendall. The blonde boy bit his lip.

**. . .**

_He wrapped his arms around his shaking form and- for lack of a better term- drug him off the ice. "James," he panted, laying on the ground next to him. "James, you have to believe me; it really is going to be ok. I'm going to be here for you no matter what and- and I'm going to make you ok even if it kills me. You believe me, don't you?" Kendall hesitated asking James that question but he couldn't resist it. He needed to hear James say that he believed him; he needed that reassurance after everything that happened._

_But to his dismay, he didn't get that reassurance. James didn't say anything; the brunette simply hung his head as his body shook with more sobs. Kendall closed his eyes tightly and wrapped his arms around James. "I'm sorry." he whispered in a broken voice. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…"_

**. . .**

"I was upset Kenny!" James groaned. "I was upset about seeing my dad but it's no big deal; I do believe you."

"James, it's ok to feel scared sometimes." Kendall said soothingly.

"But I don't, and it's because of you."

Kendall smiled. "As happy as I am to hear that, you can't deny that a lot of the problems we've been having on this trip is because you haven't come to term with you… abuse."

James shrugged. "What's to come to terms with?"

Kendall sighed. "It's called closure. When you get closure things are easier to deal with-"

"I've been dealing with this for years." James interrupted. "I'm fine."

Kendall sighed again. "Can you at least tell me why you won't talk to me about this?" he asked quietly. James bit his lip and shrugged. "C'mon James, talk to me." Kendall coaxed him. "Jamie, please."

"I can't." James whined, burying his face in his hands. He pulled his knees up to his chest and hugged them tightly, his face hiding in his kneecaps.

"Why can't you?" Kendall asked gently.

"It- it hurts." James whimpered, sounding like he was starting to cry. "When I think about it… my stomach hurts and- and it feels like it's happening again, and I get scared. I don't want to think about it anymore."

"Shh, it's ok." Kendall hugged him. "Just let it all out. Don't hold anything in anymore; let it all out."

James swallowed and brushed his bangs to the side. "I- I don't know what to say." he stuttered. "I- I mean, I wanted to tell you so badly but he told me nobody would believe me." James turned his head so he was looking at Kendall. "But I knew that wasn't true. You would've believed me, and Carlos, and Logan, and your mom… but I guess he figured that out because then he told me if he ever found out I told someone he would kill me." James's voice started to crack at the last few words. "So I knew I couldn't have told you, it would've been to risky. B-but then after that one night…when he first…" James held back a sob and looked away from Kendall. "I wanted to tell you but I was so scared…"

**. . .**

_James bit his lip but it didn't do much to suppress the sob building up in his throat. Kendall let go of his shoulders and pulled James into a hug. The brunette gave into Kendall's touch and buried his head in the crook on his neck, his tears soaking through Kendall's shirt. "Shh, it's ok." the blonde murmured to him, slowly lowering the two of them down to the ground so they were sitting._

_"He hurt me Kenny." James sobbed softly._

_"Your dad?" Kendall asked. James replied by only sobbing harder and squeezing Kendall tighter. His chest was heaving as he tried to catch his breath, the memories making it harder and harder to breath; the memories of being pinned down, forced down, hurt, bruised, broken… "Jamie, how come you never told me?" Kendall asked, bringing James back to reality._

_James sniffled, his face still pressed against Kendall's shoulder. "I-I just wanted to f-forget. I didn't want to talk about it, and I didn't want you to know."_

_"Why not?"_

_"C-cuz I didn't- I didn't want you to think I was… dirty, or it was my fault-"_

_"James I would never think that about you." Kendall placed his hands on James's shoulders, forcing him to look into the blonde's watery eyes._

_"You wouldn't?" James asked in a broken voice._

_"Of course not baby." Kendall reassured him and James sniffled, wrapping his arms around Kendall, hugging him tightly and crying into his shoulder. "It's ok, just let it all out."_

_"It hurt so bad Kenny!" James sobbed. "And- and I told him to stop but he wouldn't!"_

_"It's ok Jamie." Kendall squeezed James tightly and rested his head atop of James's, letting his own tears fall. "He's never gonna hurt you again. No one's gonna hurt you again."_

_James pulled away from Kendall and wiped his eyes. "Y-you promise?"_

_Kendall placed a gentle kiss on James's forehead. "I promise."_

**. . .**

"He made me feel like dirt." James said, tears rolling down his cheeks. "And- and he would s-stop! I told him to stop but he wouldn't! And he h-hurt me s-so bad." James's body shook with sobs and Kendall held him close.

"It's ok, it's ok." Kendall murmured in his ear.

"It's not fair Kendall." James sobbed. "Why did it have to happen to me? What did I do to deserve this?"

"You didn't do anything." Kendall reassured him. "It's not your fault this happened. It was never your fault."

James sniffled and clutched Kendall, holding him just as tight as the blonde had been holding him. "It still hurts." he whimpered. "And I still have nightmares about it."

"It'll stop." Kendall said. "One day, you're gonna stop thinking about him."

"When?" James asked with another sniffle.

"I can't tell you when, but I know it'll happen." Kendall said firmly.

James tilted his head to look at him, his eyes still swimming with tears. "When did it happen to you?"

Kendall blinked. "What do you mean?"

The brunette boy ran his sleeve under his eyes. "When did you stop having nightmares about your dad?"

Kendall took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair. "It was hard, and it took some time but… I don't know, one day I just went to sleep and I didn't have that nightmare. I can't say how it happened but when it did, everything got a little easier from there."

James nodded and looked down at his lap for a moment. Without a word, he reached for his arm and pulled up the sleeve of his shirt. He stared at the cuts and scars for a moment before moving his hand up to Kendall's elbow and gently moved his hand up to his palm where he intertwined his fingers with him. "Never again." he whispered.

Kendall kissed his forehead. "Never again." he agreed. And just like that there was an understanding between the boys. Everything was ok. There was a moment of silence between the two of them before Kendall spoke again. "Wanna hear my favorite memory of this trip?"

"Yeah." James said.

"It was after our first fight, when we were driving and you pulled the car over…"

**. . .**

_"James, just tell me you hate me." the blonde was getting near hysterical at this point, all his emotions- anger, fear, lust, sadness- building up and they all just started pouring out. "I mean, how can you not hate me James? I'm a horrible friend and an even worse boyfriend and I do nothing but complicate everything and hurt you and… just hate me."_

_"I cant Kendall." James insisted. "Seriously I can't think of one reason why I should hate you!"_

_"Wake up James!" Kendall almost yelled at him, causing him to flinch in surprise. "Don't you see what happened here? You wanted to be with me for all this time and I've been trying to forget about you. I wanted to hate your guts. I wanted to take you down, I wanted to make you as miserable as I was, and that is exactly what I did. So how's that for a reason to hate me?"_

_"P-pretty lame." James stuttered out._

_"Face it James, I screwed you. I screwed you big time."_

_James had enough right now. He grabbed the steering wheel and yanked it to the side, causing the car to swerve over to the side of the road in a forced pullover. James then turned the key in the ignition, yanking it out of the slot and he shoved open his car door. Kendall watched in confusion as the tall boy walked over to his side of the car, yanked his door open, and forcefully pulled him, holding up by the collar of his shirt. "So you screwed me." James's breaths were coming out ragged and tears were swimming in his eyes but he still looked so angry. "So what? Me?" he pulled Kendall close to him so he was practically speaking in his ear right now. "I made love to you."_

_Kendall froze, his mouth slightly agape and he stood there listening to James trying to slow his breath down. Blinking furiously, slow James let go of Kendall and stood there, just staring him in the eye. Neither boy said anything, they just stared at each other. Kendall's jaw bobbed slightly as he tried to form some words and then he just launched himself forward, crashing his lips into James's._

_Automatically James's eyes shut but he just stood there, shocked beyond belief, his arms just laying stiffly at his side. Was this Kendall trying to screw with him again? Part of him wanted to think that it was and he should stop kissing him before it got worse but then… he felt something. No not in his heart or his stomach. He felt something wet hitting his cheek. Opening his eyes he saw that tears- actual tears- were slowly making their way down Kendall's face. And that's how James knew it was true._

_Right before the blonde boy was going to pull away, James threw his arms up, wrapping them around his waist, and pulling him in closer, kissing him back with all the passion he could muster up._

_After deeming that both of them need air, the two boys pulled away from each other with a slightly audible 'pop' sound from their lips. Panting slightly, they stared at each other and a small smile tugged its way at Kendall's lips._

_"Thank you." he said, wiping the moistness out of his eyes._

_"For what?" James asked._

_Kendall's eyes went downcast for a moment as he reached over to lace his fingers with James's. "For not hating me."_

_James smiled at Kendall and used his free hand to lift his chin up, looking him in the eye. "I told you, I could never hate you. love you."_

_"I love you too." Kendall replied instantly. "I have always loved you." And with those words, James placed his hands on the sides of Kendall's face and pulled him in for yet another kiss._

**. . .**

"That was a good memory." James agreed.

"Minus the fighting." Kendall chuckled.

"Fighting is never good." James said. "But I don't mind fighting with you so much."

"Why not?" Kendall inquired.

"I can't explain it but it's like when we fight, I just get this feeling that you really, really care about me." James explained. "Like, even when you make me so unbelievably mad, I can't stay mad for long because there's a part of me that reminds me you're just afraid of losing me."

Kendall smiled. "Any other person would just see me as a dick." he said.

"You're not." James told him. "You've got a temper and your mouth doesn't have a filter but, you're not a dick. You're sweet and sensitive and I love you to pieces."

"And I love you more than that." Kendall replied and kissed him once again.

"So can I tell you my favorite memory?" James asked when they pulled away from the kiss, and Kendall nodded. "When you sang to me at that restaurant." he smiled widely.

**. . .**

_"Everybody, my name is Kendall Knight and I'm an idiot." the crowd chuckled humorously and Kendall smiled lightly. "During the past few days I've realized two things. One, that I've totally fallen for that guy sitting over there," he pointed to James and everybody in the room when 'awh!' while James's cheeks tinted a deep red color. "And two, I'm really an idiot. But I really hope that this makes up for that." Kendall cleared his throat and jumped down from the piano. He took a seat at the bench and started to play while singing softly._

_"The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting. Could it be that we have been this way before? I know you don't think that I am trying. I know you're wearing thin down to the core._

_"But hold your breath because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you over again, don't make me change my mind. Or I wont live to see another day, I swear it's true, Because a boy like you is impossible to find. You're impossible to find._

_"This is not what I intended. I always swore to you I'd never fall apart. You always thought that I was stronger. I may have failed but I have loved you from the start._

_"Oh but hold your breath because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you over again, don't make me change my mind. Or I wont live to see another day, I swear it's true, Because a boy like you is impossible to find. You're impossible._

_"So breathe in so deep. Breathe me in, I'm yours to keep. And hold onto your words cause talk is cheap. And remember me tonight when your asleep._

_"Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you over again, don't make me change my mind. Or I wont live to see another day, I swear it's true, Because a boy like you is impossible to find._

_"Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you over again, don't make me change my mind. Or I wont live to see another day, I swear it's true, Because a boy like you is impossible to find. You're impossible to find."_

_The restaurant goers all applauded and Kendall turned to James, a pleading look in his eyes. James simply smiled and jumped up onto his table. "Everybody, my name is James Diamond." he said. "And I'm in love with an idiot named Kendall Knight."_

**. . .**

"I made the biggest fool of myself there!" Kendall laughed and fell backwards onto the bed. He grabbed James's hand and took him down with him.

"It was so cute." James gushed. "I don't think I've blushed any harder in my life."

"You're so cute when you blush." Kendall said and then smirked. "And I happen to know all the right moves that can make you blush."

James rolled over so he was on top of Kendall, straddling his hips. He smirked at the blonde boy. Kendall shifted, feeling the familiar rush of heat between his legs whenever James touched him. "You mean like this?" he asked. Kendall just wiggled his eyebrows suggestively and James laughed. "So tell me, what was going through your mind when we made love for the first time?" he asked.

Kendall smirked and raised an eyebrow. "Wouldn't you like to know." he said in a low voice before grabbing a hold of James's shirt and pulling him down into a forceful kiss. Kendall's mouth parted slightly and James took that as invitation to run his tongue over the blonde's lower lip. Kendall's hands slid down James's back, down to his waist, then between his thighs where he started to unbutton his jeans…

**. . .**

_"I wish your dad hadn't come home so early." Kendall complained into the phone. "Everything was getting so hot and heavy."_

_James chuckled. "What exactly were you planning on doing with me Mr. Schmidt?"_

_Kendall smirked. "Well first I was going to run my hand up your shirt nice and slow, feeling your stomach and chest muscles. Then my hand was going to rub your nipples until they were nice and hard, just like your dick." Kendall could feel his own dick tenting up at his words. Thankfully he was locked in his bathroom and his mom and sister were in their rooms._

_James was practically gnawing on his lip but it didn't do much to suppress that was building up in his throat._

_"Are you liking this?" Kendall asked, his voice low and husky. "Am I turning you on?" he was getting painfully harder thinking about James being turned on by him; thinking about him touching himself. He used his free hand to rub throbbing his denim-clad crotch._

_"Y-yes." James choked back. He clicked the lock on his bathroom door and leaned his back against it. He was, in fact, getting extremely hard hearing Kendall talk to him like his._

_"Are you touching yourself?" Kendall inquired._

_"No…" James felt himself start to blush as Kendall asked him that._

_"Touch yourself for me Jamie." Kendall instructed, unbuttoning his pants and freeing his erection as he said that. "I want you to touch yourself and imagine me touching you."_

_James moaned again. "Ok."_

_"But you have to do everything that I say, as I say it. Nothing extra."_

_James let out a groan, knowing that Kendall lived to tease him. "Ok." he said again._

_"Alright so let's start with your nipples. First I would take it between my fingers and squeeze it nice and hard. Do that for me." James thought this was entirely awkward but still, he slid his hand up under his shirt, caressed his nipple, and closed his eyes imaging that it was Kendall touching him like that. He wasn't even aware that he was moaning until Kendall said, "That's what I like to hear. Now I would take your shirt off and my hand would slowly run down your chest until I was right above your waist. My hand would slowly massage your stomach, feeling the tense muscles in your abs from being so hard."_

_Doing everything Kendall had said, James groaned, tilting his head back and banging it against the wood of the door. The pain didn't even register since he was in complete ecstasy right now._

_"I would bring my knee up and press it between your legs and rubbing it against your boner."_

_James made his hand into a fist and chafed it against his jeans, rubbing his length probably rougher than Kendall would if he were here right now. He wanted nothing than to put his hand in his pants and start jacking off. But despite that, he abided by Kendall's instructions and everything he said, exactly as he said it._

_"Then I would use my hand…" Kendall continued. "But I wouldn't take off your pants just let." he smiled upon hearing James whine in protest. "I wanna feel your hard length through your jeans. Do you like this?"_

_"So much Kendall." James moaned out, squeezing his eyes shut._

_Kendall loved the sounds James was making; they were taking him way past the point of being turned on. He started slowly pumping his own shaft. "Th-then." he stuttered before swallowing thickly. "Then I'd dip my hand in your pants and rub you, feeling how hard you are, before taking off your pants and boxers and start pumping you nice and slow."_

_"Slow?" James squeaked out._

_"Yup. I'd start by playing with your balls-" Kendall almost came right there, hearing the noises James was making. "Then I'd slowly run my hand down until I was at your tip. Then I'd swirl my finger around your tip and run my hand slowly back up to the top."_

_"Stop teasing." James whined, slowly running his hand over his own throbbing shaft._

_Kendall smirked, his breath hitched in his throat. "Ok fine. No more teasing. Now I'm gonna pump you faster and faster until you lose control and come all over my hand."_

_James started jacking himself off faster and soon he was stuttering and gasping between his breathy moans. "K-Kendall! I'm gonna… I need to… ngh."_

_"I know, me too." Kendall choked out, pumping himself faster. By the feeling in his stomach he knew his orgasm was building, and by the noises James were making, he knew that he was nearing closer too. Hearing the brunette boy let out a cry, signaling he reached the peak of his orgasm, was enough to send Kendall toppling over the edge. His vision swayed dangerously, and everything sounds muted and distant as he came, gasping for breath. Sweat trickled down his face and his heart was racing. It took some time but slowly he came down from his high._

_"That…" he panted. "Was one of the best orgasms I've ever hard."_

_"Ditto." James gasped out. "My God, that was hot."_

_"Way better than the Nervous Game." Kendall couldn't help but to smirk at that. "Kendall one, James zero."_

_"Yeah, yeah." James teased him with a laugh. "Well, I've got some cleaning up to do now, so can I call you tomorrow?"_

_"You know my number." Kendall smiled. "I love you baby."_

_"Love you too." James clicked the phone off and tossed it aside before starting a shower for himself and using a spare towel to clean up the mess Kendall helped him make._

**. . .**

Basking in the afterglow of yet another high point in the sexual aspect of their relationship, James was spooned up against Kendall, his arms locked around his waist tightly. Kendal was idly running his fingers through James's brunette locks and placing lazy kisses on his forehead. "You're so amazing James." Kendall whispered in his ear. "I really don't deserve you but I'm so thankful that I'm with you. I feel so complete when I'm with you. You're the only person who can make my heart beat faster and slower at the same time. I love you so much baby…"

**. . .**

_"I hate things like these." Kendall muttered under his breath, trying to tie his tie for the fifth time. Kelly was getting married to her boyfriend, a guy by the name of Derrick, today, and naturally, Big Time Rush was invited to the wedding. And they were performing at it. In the words of Carlos, 'they were like four Adam Sandler's' today. "Damn it!" Kendall growled when the knot slipped once again. It was times like these when he really missed having his dad around. He was gone too soon for Kendall to learn from him, like how to tie a tie._

_"Need some help?" James asked, walking into the room. Kendall looked at him and felt his cheeks heart up upon seeing him in his tuxedo. He looked beyond cute._

_"Uh, y-yeah." Kendall stuttered._

_James smiled lightly. "Here; let me give it ago." he took the two ends of Kendall's tie in his hands and skillfully tied it into a Windsor knot. "There you go." James smiled at Kendall through his bangs and the blonde boy smirked at him._

_"Thanks." he said. "By the way you look, um… nice."_

_James blushed. "Thank you. So do you."_

_"Thanks." Kendall chuckled. The two boys stood their awkwardly before they exited the room to join the rest of the wedding guests. He, James, Carlos, and Kendall took the front of the church with the rest of the wedding band she booked. The music started up and the Big Time Rush boys bobbed their heads to the beat of the song._

_"It's a beautiful night," Kendall grabbed the microphone. "We're looking for something dumb to do. Hey baby," he side-glanced at James and smirked. "I think I wanna marry you."_  
_James's cheeks were burning. "Is it the look in your eyes," he sang. "Or is it this dancing juice? Who cares baby, I think I wanna marry you."_

_The song picked up and the boys started to dance to the beat. "Well I know this little chapel on the boulevard we can go," Logan sang with a smile. "No one will know."_

_"Come on girl." Carlos sang his part with a grin._

_"Who cares if we're trashed? Got a pocket full of cash we can blow, shots of patron." Logan sang and turned to Carlos,_

_"And it's on girl." the Latino lightly bumped his hip into Logan's, causing a blush from him and a chuckle from the audience._

_"Don't say no, no, no, no-no;" Kendall started to clap his hands, everyone joining in with him. "Just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah; And we'll go, go, go, go-go. If you're ready, like I'm ready."_

_"Cause it's a beautiful night, we're looking for something dumb to do." the four boys sang together. "Hey baby, I think I wanna marry you. Is it the look in your eyes, or is it this dancing juice? Who cares baby, I think I wanna marry you."_

_"I'll go get a ring, let the choir bells sing like oooh. So whatcha wanna do?" James took up the verse._

_"Let's just run girl." Kendall sang back._

_The brunette boy blushed. "If we wake up and you wanna break up that's cool. No, I won't blame you."_

_"It was fun girl." Kendall threw his arm around James._

_"Don't say no, no, no, no-no;" Carlos and Logan sang together. "Just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah; And we'll go, go, go, go-go. If you're ready, like I'm ready."_

_The four of them took on the chorus again. "Cause it's a beautiful night, we're looking for something dumb to do. Hey baby, I think I wanna marry you. Is it the look in your eyes, or is it this dancing juice? Who cares baby, I think I wanna marry you."_

_"Just say I do," Kendall sang._

_"Tell me right now baby, tell me right now baby." the other three boys sang._

_"Just say I do," _

_"Tell me right now baby, tell me right now baby." _

_"Cause it's a beautiful night, we're looking for something dumb to do. Hey baby, I think I wanna marry you. Is it the look in your eyes, or is it this dancing juice? Who cares baby, I think I wanna marry you."_

_As their song ended the band quickly switched to the wedding march and Kelly started down the aisle. Everyone stood up to watch her. She looked absolutely beautiful in her wedding dress and Kendall couldn't help but to wish that one day James would be walking down the aisle- not in a wedding dress, that's be too weird- and he would be waiting for him at the other end._

**. . .**

A couple of minutes had passed since they had sex. James, who was previously laying on top of him, had rolled over so he was laying on his side, spooned against Kendall. His eyes were shut and he was slowly falling asleep. Kendall listened to his steady breathing, his chest rising and falling contently. "Hey Jamie?" he asked softly, nudging him so he would wake up a little. Kendall gripped the sheets so tightly, his knuckles turned white. He could feel himself shaking with anticipation.

"Hmm?" James mumbled, fighting off a yawn with his eyes still closed. Sleep was taking over him. Kendall took a deep breath; it was now or never.

"Will you marry me?"

**A/N: Holy Schmidt! Bet none of ya'll saw that coming :D next chapter will be the last one!**

**Also, the phone sex scene was inspired by MerielTLA's story The Jerk in Knight Armor. If you haven't read it before I HIGHLY recommend it! It's amazing :D**


	25. Chapter Twenty Four

**A/N: last chapter… very bittersweet moment for me. Long A/N at the end. Hope you all like it :D**

**Chapter Twenty Four**

_"Mommy, I don't wanna go!" James whined, burying his face in his mother's thigh. Currently the little boy was being dropped off to his new school for his first day of Pre-K and, while at first he was excited, now he didn't want to be here. As soon as they walked inside the school, he wrapped his arms around her leg and latched himself onto her._

_"It's ok honey, you'll like school." Brooke Diamond said, patting James on the head. James just mumbled something incoherently. "Trust me, you'll have lots of fun here."_

_"Well, who do we have here?" the teacher, Mrs. Jones, walked over to James and Mrs. Diamond._

_"This is James." Brooke mused her son's hair. "He's a little nervous."_

_Mrs. Jones knelt down to James's level. "You don't have anything to be nervous about James. You're going to have a lot of fun here, and you're going to make lots of new friends." James still looked doubtful at the lady's words but he turned his head in the direction of a boy playing with match box cars, making loud sound effects as he pushed them around the colored rug._

_"Cars!" James cried and immediately ran over to the boy. He plopped himself down onto the mat next to the blonde boy. "Hi. I'm James."_

_The boy looked up at James through his messy bangs and smiled. "I'm Kendall. Wanna play cars?"_

_"Yeah! Can I be the puahple one?" James asked, already reaching for the small toy._

_"Yeah cuz I wanna be the gween one." Kendall said. The two boys played with their cars for almost ten minutes before James noticed that his mom had left. Tears filling up his big, brown eyes, he stopped playing with the cars and balled his hands into fists, rubbing at his eyes. "Hey, what's-a matter?" Kendall asked, noticing his new friend's tears._

_"My mommy left!" James whined. "I miss my mommy." he snuffled and Kendall crawled over to him._

_"It's otay. She'll be back soon." Kendall said, reassuringly._

_James sniffled and wiped his eyes. "You pwomise?"_

_Kendall bobbed his head up and down. "I would lie to my fwiend!"_

_James beamed. "We're fwiends now?"_

_"Bestest fwiends!"_

_"YAY!" James tackled Kendall with a hug. "I wuv you bestest fwiend!" he said, squeezing the blonde tightly._

_Kendall laughed. "I wuv you two bestest fwiend."_

**. . .**

James shot up in bed, turning his head in Kendall's direction. "What did you just say?" he asked softly.

Kendall took a deep breath and sat up as well. "I said…" he reached for James's hand and the brunette boy paled. Kendall's blue irises longed to meet his lover's hazel ones and when James raised his head to complete the eye contact, he felt something clench inside of his chest. Maybe this was what it felt like when they said your heart skips a beat. "Will you marry me?" he asked softly.

James's mouth went dry and his jaw just hung open as he tried to say something. "I- I um- wow." James stuttered out lamely. Kendall chuckled nervously and bit his lip. "Wow." James repeated.

"I- I know it's probably not the way you'd imagine a proposal," Kendall started, feeling more nervous than when he had initially asked him. "B-but I'm gonna get a ring and- and it's gonna be pretty, just like you." Kendall felt a blush creeping to his cheeks. Why did he have to stutter and stumble over his words so much? Especially right now! "And, uh, and…" he took a deep breath and started speaking faster. "Jamie, I'm really nervous right now and these words are coming out all mixed up but the point is that I love you and I wanna spend the rest of my life with you." he exhaled and looked at James through the fringe of his hair. "So what do you say?"

James blinked a few times and ran his fingers through his hair. "Kendall… you can't be serious." he said softly.

"But I am." Kendall insisted.

James shook his head. "Kendall you're crazy. We can't get married, we're only sixteen."

"Then we'll wait a few years." Kendall shrugged. "As long as you want to."

"Kendall-" James sighed but the blonde cut him off.

"And we can get married in LA, away from here and all this, and once we're old enough, we'll find a place to settle down together. I'll become a pro hockey player and you'll be a pop star. We'll have crazy hours and I know there'll be a few kinks to work out, but we'll make it work. At the end of the day, we're going to get into bed together and talk about our day. We're going to hold each other and kiss each other good night. We're going to fall asleep in each other's arms. And we'll wake up the next day and do it all again. And maybe one day we'll start a family. But that doesn't mean we have to have any kids. 'Cause we don't. But, we can, I just didn't want you to think that I was laying down some kind of a mandate. I mean, kids. It's plural, so it sounds like a lot. But we can just have one kid, one's fine, or more if you want more, or we don't have to have any kids. We could just get a plant. Or a dog. You like dogs."

"I like dogs." James whispered.

"So do I." Kendall smiled. "And whether or not we start a family and have a kid-slash-dog-slash-plant, it won't matter because we'll be together. Nothing even matters but you and I… and I totally didn't mean to plug one of our songs into that but it makes sense. Some days we may fight, we might even say some things that we don't mean, but it'll be ok because, like our song says: We don't even need to fight, everything will be alright. And at the end of the day we'll still love each other. Just like we love each other now. Jamie, I want to marry you."

"Stop saying that." James whispered.

"Why?" Kendall asked. "Can't you see that we're meant to be together!"

"Kendall-"

"Jamie, I knew that we were meant to be together since we were thirteen." Kendal interrupted and then lowered his tone. "I remember this clearly. We'd just lost the Duluth East game 27 to 14. You were standing on the northeast corner of the ice at the end of the game waiting for Logan and Carlos to come out of the locker room. You had on a grey hooded sweatshirt and you were listening to your iPod." James let out a breath, feeling his eyes well up with tears. "Now if that isn't proof we're meant to be together, then I don't know what is." Kendall continued.

James sighed and wiped his eyes. "Kendall, I love you but-"

"But what Jamie?" Kendall asked and James sighed, growing tired of Kendall not letting him finish a thought. "I mean, you love me, I love you, what buts could there be? I mean, if this road trip's proven anything it's that we were meant to be together!"

"For now!" James snapped. Kendall froze, his mouth slightly agape and James instantly felt bad. "I didn't mean for that to come out sounding so harsh." James apologized.

Kendall sucked in a deep breath. "What do you mean for now?" he asked quietly.

James closed his eyes. "Last time we were in Minnesota, we were in love and it was beautiful. But… when it came time to leave for California all of that ended. And we were heartbroken and I hated it. And now we come back to Minnesota and all of a sudden we're together again." James swallowed, feeling himself getting emotional. "And I'm afraid that it's going to end between us again." for the second time this evening, James felt his eyes fill up with tears. "I mean, I thought there was a better chance of all four of the Beatles getting back together than you ever calming down long enough to get your act together and be with me again. And now that you are with me I'm scared to death that I'm gonna lose you again."

"Jamie." Kendall sighed, cupping the brunette's cheek. "You're not gonna lose me, this is forever, you and me."

"But I'm still scared Kendall." James insisted. "We just got this thing between us good again and now you want to marry me? Kendall table-for-one Knight and James I'm-sorry-can-I-get-an-industrial-forklift-for-my-emotional-baggage Diamond getting married? It just doesn't sound right."

"It sounds right to me." Kendall said, his voice cracking slightly. "Kendall Knight and James Diamond. Nothing roles off the tongue easier than that."

James sniffled and blinked rapidly, hoping the tears wouldn't fall. "I don't want you to change your mind." he whispered. "I don't want you to leave me once you realize how hard it's gonna be. I mean, you remember those boys in the park- they called us _fags_ Kendall. LA's going to be ten times as brutal."

Kendall sighed and went silent a moment. "James, do you remember that night you came back to the apartment drunk?"

James shook his head. "I was pretty smashed that night. I barely remember anything."

"Well I remember it." Kendall said. "And you said something to me that's making a lot of sense right now…"

**. . .**

_"James, what on earth were you thinking?" Kendall groaned, James's entire body weight pressing against him right now. The two of them were walking around the Palm Woods park currently in the dead of night._

_"I wasn't thinking, I was drinking." James slurred and then burst out laughing. Kendall rolled his eyes and dropped James's drunk self down onto a bench. The blond ran his fingers through his hair going through what had happened in the past couple of hours; first James had left the apartment to a location of pure mystery and when he returned at almost midnight, Kendall awoke to find him stumbling to the bathroom, is breath reeking of vodka. Fearing that he would wake up his mother, Kendall grabbed a hold of James and dragged him out of the apartment, hence the reason the two of them were in the park right now. The blonde boy groaned; whatever was going on in James's mind where he had to get himself was drunk was beyond him._

_James's head snapped up upon hearing Kendall groaning. "Are you mad at me?" he asked and then forced himself up onto his shaky legs. He put a hand on Kendall's shoulder for support. "Please don't be mad at me." he said, his eyes suddenly wide with fear. "Please, I'm really sorry."_

_"James, it's ok." Kendall said, not understanding where the sudden fear was coming from. He placed his hands on James's forearms. "It's fine, just promise me you won't get drunk anymore. At least not without me with you."_

_James's expression changed immediately and he was grinning stupidly again. "Otay." he threw his arms around Kendall, hugging the blonde boy tightly. "I love you Kendall." James said._

_Kendall patted James's back awkwardly. "I love you too buddy."_

_James pulled away from Kendall and then placed his hands on either side of Kendall's face, pulling him into a forceful kiss. The blonde's eyes widened and he made an attempt to pull away, but James had too tight a grip on him. "James!" Kendall managed to choke out. "Jamie!"_

_The drunken boy finally released Kendall and giggled. "Sorry." he said._

_"You don't seem very sorry." Kendall mumbled, not meeting James's eyes. "C'mon, let's get you home."_

_"Can we get pie?" James asked, stumbling as he and Kendall walked out of the park. He looped his arm around Kendall's waist and failed to notice the blonde turning a bright red color._

_"I don't think they sell pie at two in the morning." Kendall replied._

_"Awh!" James pouted and Kendall couldn't help but to laugh._

_"You're so lucky you're cute Jamie." Kendall said and then almost fell to the floor when James pressed all of his weight against his back. "What the-"_

_"Piggy back ride!" James cried gleefully._

_Kendall rolled his eyes and hoisted James up on his back. "Really lucky." he mumbled to himself._

_"I am lucky Kenny." James said, resting his head against Kendall's, the blonde's soft hair nuzzling against his skin. "I'm lucky cuz I have you."_

_"What do you mean?" Kendall asked._

_"Just that I have you and you have me and together, we can make it through anything." James told him. "That makes us both lucky."_

_Kendall couldn't help but to smile. "You're right James." he said. "We are lucky." he paused. "I love you James." he said, even though he knew that once the boy woke up the next day with his hangover that he wouldn't remember any of this._

_"I love you too Kenny." James smiled. "And you know what I just thought of?"_

_"Enlighten me."_

_"That story bout the scorpion and the frog." James explained. "The scorpion says to the frog, "Hey, frog. Give me a lift to the other side of the pond." Frog says, "No way. You'll sting me and I'll die." Scorpion says, "Will not! 'Cause then we'll both drown." Frog says, "Cool." So the scorpion gets on the frog's back and frog makes it to the middle of the pond and scorpion stings him. As the frog is going down he says, "Why would you do that? Now we'll both drown." Scorpion say,: "Sorry, it's just my nature."."_

_Kendall ceased his walking. "What made you think of that?" he asked._

_James took that as his cue to climb down off of Kendall's back. "Well," he started. "Sometimes, you're like the scorpion. You sting me and I sink. But don't feel bad because sometimes, I'm like the scorpion and I sting you, and you sink. But it doesn't matter who scorpions who because we both know that it's worth sinking over."_

_Kendall smiled again. "Who knew that when you're drunk you're really insightful."_

_James chuckled. "Must be something in that vodka." a moment passed and his smiled wavered. "Wait a second… maybe it was a turtle."_

_Kendall chuckled. "Regardless of the amphibian, I get the point."_

_James leapt forward and threw his arms around Kendall's middle, hugging him tightly. The blonde boy wrapped his arms around him without ease this time and rested his head on James's shoulder. "You're my best friend Kenny." James mumbled. "I love you. But sometimes, I don't want to love you as a best friend."_

_Kendall froze, knowing where this conversation was heading. "C'mon Jamie, let's get back to the Palm Woods and go to sleep."_

_"M'kay." James yawned and the two started walking. James looped his arm around Kendall's waist and rested his head on his shoulder. And even though Kendall knew he shouldn't be enjoying these little acts, because they didn't mean as much to James as they did to him, he couldn't fight the smile working its way onto his lips. "Kenny, one day, will you marry me?" James asked._

_"Yes." Kendall replied without hesitating._

_James tilted his head to look up at him. "Well you don't have to answer so-"_

_"Yes." Kendall said again._

_"You can take a moment to-"_

_"No."_

_James smiled widely and snuggled against Kendall as the two of them walked back to the Palm Woods. Kendall was thankful it was still dark so James wouldn't see the tears slipping down his cheeks. He wished that this evening would mean as much to James as it meant to him._

**. . .**

"Kenny, I was smashed." James groaned. " I was talking out of my ass and I sounded like an idiot."

"But you made sense." Kendall insisted. "Where would you like me to start? Why we're both so lucky? Because "I have you and you have me and together, we can make it through anything". Or what about the frog and scorpion story? Where "Sometimes, you're like the scorpion. You sting me and I sink. But don't feel bad because sometimes, I'm like the scorpion and I sting you, and you sink. But it doesn't matter who scorpions who because we both know that it's worth sinking over"."

James sighed. "What about that proposal?" he asked. "What does that tell you?"

"It tells me that even though you're scared, you want to be with me for the rest of your life." he replied softly.

James bit his lip and adverted his gaze. "You're right." James whispered. "You're so right."

Kendall managed a small smile. "James, you can trust me- I want nothing more than for you to be happy. And this road trip made me realize that you're happiest when you're with me. So naturally, I'm not going to do anything to mess that up. I love you. I have always loved you. I'm _in_ love with you, and at the risk of sounding like a broken record, I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I want to grow old and gray with you-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" James interrupted. "But as long as L'Oréal is making hair dye, there won't be a gray hair on this head."

Kendall chuckled. "Fair enough." he said. "But seriously Jamie, this isn't about what I want, it's about what we want. This is our relationship and we're going to fly this plane together."

"What plane?" James asked, cocking an eyebrow.

Kendall rolled his eyes. "It's just an expression."

"Who made that expression?" James scoffed.

"I don't know, a pilot!" Kendall exclaimed and then laughed. "The point is, I want what you want. Whatever makes you happy, makes me happy."

James smiled shyly at him. "You make me happy. I want you." he said.

Kendall smiled and leaned in for a kiss. He got one, a sweet chaste kiss, and then he wrapped his arms around James. "I'm not going to hurt you anymore Jamie." he murmured. "Scorpions die after their stingers fall off you know."

"Uh, that's bees." James said, stifling a laugh.

Kendall let out a huff of breath, pulling away from James. "Well it's near three in the morning and I'm a jumbled mess of nerves here. Sorry my science isn't all that correct."

James laughed. "I love you so much Kenny." he said.

"So," Kendall smiled shyly at his boyfriend. "What do you say?"

James bit his lip, grinning widely, as he took Kendall's hands in his. "I say yes." he whispered. "I say yes."

**. . .**

_**Five Years Later**_

"Ohmygosh, ohmygosh, ohmygosh," Kendall muttered under his breath as he paced back and forth in the back room of the church. "I'm so nervous!"

"Don't be nervous." Logan said to him. "Today is going to be the best day of your entire life."

Kendall groaned softly. "What if we're making a mistake? I mean, we're only twenty-one. Wh-what if we're too young to be married?"

"Kendall, you and James have been together since you were thirteen. Trust me, it's meant to be." Logan said soothingly. "Besides, I'm your best man. What could go wrong?"

Kendall let out a breath and relaxed. "You're right." he said.

"When aren't I?" Logan asked with a smirk. "Now get out there, it's time to get you married!" the raven haired boy shoved Kendall through the doors and followed him out.

Before he knew it, the wedding was starting.

Kendall took his place at the alter. He gave a nervous smile as his and James's best men, Carlos and Logan, and grooms-maids, Jo and Camille, (they weren't really sure what to call them because normally girls were brides' maids and there clearly wasn't a bride at this wedding) walked down the aisle. Jo and Camille wore matching purple dresses and held bouquets of red roses while Logan and Carlos donned black tuxedos. Then Katie- who agreed to be the flower girl upon being paid twenty bucks from both Kendall and James- and Tyler- the ring bearer because Katie made him- walked down the aisle. Unlike Jo and Camille, Katie's dress was pink but she threw red rose petals onto the floor of the church, and Tyler stood by her side, holding a pillow with two rings on it. Guitar Dude stood at the alter, behind Kendall and the minister, playing soft, romantic music on his guitar.

Then the wedding march music started and everyone stood up and turned towards the back of the church as James, with Mrs. Knight, as his escort, glided down the aisle. Kendall swore his heart was going to burst out of his chest; it was pounding so hard it was the only thing he could hear. He was smiling so wide, his cheeks started to hurt. He fought the urge to wipe his sweaty palms on his pants as Mrs. Knight and James stopped in front of him. She gave him a kiss on the cheek and took her seat in the first pew.

"Who gives this man to be married?" The priest asked.

"I do." Mrs. Knight said.

"I do too." Katie added.

"And so do we." Logan and Carlos said in unison, earning a laugh from the congregation.

"We are here to bring these two young people together in hold matrimony, whoever has a reason that they shouldn't get together, please speak now or forever hole your peace."

They were met with silence and both the boys' smiles grew.

"May I have the rings?" the priest asked Tyler, who handed the rings to Kendall and James.

**. . .**

_"Why do I always have to wear the dwess?" five-year-old James whined as Kendall pulled the white brides' dress over his head._

_"Because you're the pwetty one!" Kendall said, exasperated. "Now hush!" James groaned but silenced himself as the dress was put onto him. Kendall handed him a bouquet of fake flowers and wrapped his dad's tie around his neck. "Okay, now it's time to be marwied._

_"How do we be marwied?" James asked._

_"I have to give you a wring," Kendall explained. "Then you have to give me a wring, and then we kiss and then we're marwied and you have to make me dinners for when I come home from work."_

_"Sounds easy." James shrugged. Kendall reached inside his pocket and pulled out two ring pops, still in their wrappers- blue for James and green for himself- and handed one to James. The brunette boy unwrapped his ring pop and took Kendall's hand. "Kenny, I now 'nounce you my husband." he said, sliding the ring on Kendall's finger._

_Kendall took James's hand. "And Jamie, I now n'nounce you my wife."_

_James took his hand away before Kendall could put the ring on. "I'm a boy!" he cried. "I'm not a wife!"_

_Kendall sighed and rolled his eyes. "Fine!" he grabbed James's hand again. "Jamie, I now n'nouce you my husband too, also."_

_"Yay now we're marwied!" James cheered._

_"Not yet." Kendall said. "We still haf to kiss."_

_James eyed him warily. "But doesn't kissing give you cooties?"_

_"Only if you kiss girls." Kendall explained. "Logie told me that. Boys don't haf cooties."_

_"Oh. Okay then, let's kiss!" the two boys leaned forward until their puckered lips touched._

_"I like being marwied." James said shyly._

_"Me too." Kendall giggled._

**. . .**

"Um, if you don't mind," Kendall said, taking the silver ring from Tyler. "I have a different kind of ring I would like to use." he reached into his pocket and pulled out a blue ring pop. "Don't worry, I'll give you the real ring later." he whispered to James as he unwrapped the candy.

James smiled and reached into his pocket, halting Kendall momentarily. "Great minds think alike." he whispered, pulling out a green ring pop.

"Now," the priest said. "Do you, Kendall Donald Knight, take James to be your lawfully wedded husband? To have and to hold, to love and to cherish, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, as long as you both shall live?"

"I do." Kendall whispered.

"Now place the ring on James's finger and say, 'with this ring, I thee wed'." the priest instructed. Kendall did as he said and the priest placed his attention on James. "And do you-"

"I do." James said quickly, causing another laugh from the congregation.

"Not yet." the priest chuckled. "Do you, James David Diamond, take Kendal to be your lawfully wedded husband? To have and to hold, to love and to cherish, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, as long as you both shall live?"

"I do." James said, beaming at Kendall and slid the ring pop onto Kendall's finger.

"By the power invested in me and by the law of Southern California, I now pronounce you husband and husband." the priest said. "You may now kiss your husband." Kendall beamed and leaned forward to plant his lips on James's to the cheers of their family and friends. "It is with great pleasure I now pronounce for the first time, Mr. and Mr. Kendall Knight." the priest said.

**. . .**

The wedding reception was held at the Palm Woods, out by the pool. When everybody was there, Logan and Carlos requested that everyone raised their glasses for a toast.

"You know," Logan started. "Nobody knew more about Kendall and James's love than Carlos and I."

"And that's because we've been dealing with it for eight years." Carlos cut in, earning a laugh for everyone.

"Dealing with may not be a good term." Logan chuckled. "But yeah, for eight years Kendall and James have been together… and not together… and together again. And once they got together again, it was clear to us and everyone around them that they were so in love."

"A love like that is hard to find." Carlos said. "But they found it and we're so happy that they did. So a toast, to Kendall and James. May your lives be filled with love, happiness, and corndogs."

"To Kendall and James." everyone echoed, raising their glasses up in the air.

"And now, I would like to say something." Jo said, stepping forward. "Now as many as you know Kendall was my boyfriend for a little while and I couldn't think of any guy I'd be happier to break up with." everyone laughed. "I mean that in a good way." Jo chuckled. "I knew Kendall was in love with James and I wanted them to be together. And now that it's happened, I'm really, really happy for you two." Kendall and James both beamed at Jo. "The rest of my speech wasn't really a speech; it was a song. When I hear this song it makes me think of Kendall and James because this song really speaks the story of their love. And without further ado, I'd like to dedicate this song to the two of them." she turned to her left. "Guitar Dude?" he nodded and started to strum his guitar. Logan handed Jo a microphone and she started to sing.

"I remember what you wore on the first day you came into my life and I thought 'hey you know, this could be something'." Jo smiled at the new couple, and both boys started blushing faintly. "'Cause everything you do and words you say, you know that it all takes my breath away and now I'm left with nothing.

"So maybe it's true that I can't live without you, and maybe two is better than one. But there's so much time to figure out the rest of my life, and you've already got me coming undone. And I'm thinking two is better than one." Kendall took James's hand in his and pulled him out of the crowd to dance with him. Everyone backed up to give them some space, loving smiles on their faces. "I remember every look upon your face, the way you roll your eyes, the way you taste. You make it hard for breathing.

"'Cause when I close my eyes and drift away, I think of you and everything's okay. I'm finally now believing.

"That maybe it's true that I can't live without you, and maybe two is better than one. But there's so much time to figure out the rest of my life, and you've already got me coming undone. And I'm thinking two is better than one

"Yeah, yeah, I remember what you wore on the first day you came into my life and I thought, 'hey…'

"Maybe it's true that I can't live without you and maybe two is better than one. There's so much time to figure out the rest of my life and you've already got me coming undone

"And I'm thinking, ooh, I can't live without you 'cause, baby, two is better than one. There's so much time to figure out the rest of my life but I figured out with all that's said and done. Two is better than one, two is better than one."

The song ended and James and Kendall concluded it with a kiss, which was greeted with everyone around them clapping. "Thanks Jo, that was beautiful." Kendall told her.

"Anything for you guys." Jo gave them both a hug.

"Boys, anything you'd like to say?" Mrs. Knight asked.

James and Kendal smiled at each other. "It all started with a road trip." James said.

**A/N: I started this story on December 18th, 2010 while watching The Hangover… now it's June 5th 2011 and I just completed the last chapter. I can honestly say that I love this story so much and it's been quite a trip writing this; I've never been so dedicated to a fanfic before. I would stay up late typing chapters, I'd write stuff in my notebook while my history teacher gave us notes, I'd type chapter on my cell phone when I wasn't home, I'd get input and ideas from my bestfriend... well you get the point lol. Music also really inspired this story; songs like "Fall To Pieces" by Avril Lavigne, "In My Veins" by Andrew Belle, "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler, "Fall For You" by Secondhand Serenade, "Defying Gravity" from Wicked, "Marry You" by Bruno Mars… those are just a few of the songs that really helped shape this story. But I'm really digressing right now :p The point I'm trying to make is that I'm so proud of this story. I never thought that it would get the feedback it got and I can honestly say that I'm so grateful for it. I mean, 200+ reviews? I didnt think that was possible :') you have no idea how much it means to me. Before I end this super lengthy A/N, I want to give a shout-out to my Kames loving twinny, The Savage Soul. She's been by my side the whole time I was writing this, leaving me the most amazing reviews, and it was her support and kindness that inspired so much of this story. Savage, this is dedicated to you (not that you didn't see this coming lol) and I just want to thank you for being the best twinny in the world. I love you (: and to the rest of my readers: thank you all so much and I love you all so much. You've all been by my side from the beginning of this story, leaving me the kind of reviews and feedback I only dreamed of getting. I'm just so thankful for all of you. And to keep this A/N from getting any longer, I'm gonna end this by saying thanks for everything (:**


End file.
